hi
its been a minute
........im sorry
i have a habit of doing that I just disappear but ive been sick
and having dark thoughts again and i dont know what to do
ive been wanting to cut again i want to feel the blade but i cant
i made it known im not here for me im here for everyone else
since if i die i would upset people then no one checks on the guy who dont want to be here
who dont belong here
and even thought about something i haven't thought about since a teen
..........i believe it was that long ago
"i want to go home "
i remember me saying these words alot when crying with a knife in my hand sometimes sober sometimes drunk but either way it was genuine
but when i said it two days ago i was just sick so i blamed it on my sickness
maybe i was sick for years
my illness that everyone ...........
fuck everybody
right now they dont matter its just me and you
and im telling you
i dont belong here
i want to go home and i dont mean another location on earth
i want to go where i started and just be there
existence is the most time consuming boring and pointless task
eventually, you going to die '
why drag it out with this life bullshit
lets just get these shit over with
i wish you could
i would pay you too
just take me out give me that sweet release ive been begging for
but
you cant..........
you dont even exist
you a figment of my imagination to cover the fact that i don't have someone im comfortable with to talk about these topics without judgment or one up ship
i dont have to lie to you i dont have to explain everything you understand you here always just to listen and would gladly listen and want to hear what i have to say without hearing you crazy or anything of the sort
i had to break down everything
i'm so alone i can't even have an imaginary friend i want to go
and of course you coming with me
or don't i don't care anymore
i never be heard anyway
