Its not really for any other reason besides the fact i cant stand my own work no matter how good it maybe. However, lately i have been working on trying to find time to do so and trying to figure ways to get better. Ok so let me explain my disappearance. My blog was once a place for me to vent without the need of people. Then facebook took that role then it was my music. My biggest goal in life is to do alot with the least amount of help from outside sources ie people. Its not that i dont like people(im not a "people person" its a difference) its just the fact that i dont want to share the pain or the glory with people who would either twist my vision into something they want or dont have my best intrest at heart. I have the fear or more so paranoia of people. I've seen the worst in people so i know what they are capable of and without morals or certain beliefs, people can turn into savage deplorable animals who would do anything to advance their own personal goals.
I know im no different...............deep down that bothers me. To know that when pushed to a point , i can become a nasty disrespectful ignorant rude and downright disgusting Human being. The thing i hate the most. So for years i built restraints on my mind body and soul so that can never really show. However this stunted my growth. It make me wonder "was i being liked because im likeable or was it just because i was pleasant or even worst was i accepted because i pose no threat" ......too weak to be anything that can really cause harm and dont demand power. For years ive wrestled with these and other consepts that made me walk the line of righteous. Sometimes walking it blind ...and sometimes walking it the wrong way.
Acceptance is the biggest desire that seems to be over this country. We as a people wish to be accepted for who we are. Black , gay, women, trans, disabled etc all just wished to be accepted. (those examples are the main one i see that begs for it the most and everyone who are against it still let fear stop them from giving.....oh well divide and conquer will rule supreme) With this negative and inclusion exclusion us vs them mentality we look at people as groups rather than as just people or should i say just a person. A person soul and mind is built unique to them through experiences they have went through or people they are around or even genetics. These and many other factors make a person who they are. (I believe in astrology for the soul part but thats just me )
So what happens when you dont fit in the tennents of a group? You become a misfit and outkast (yes i spell it like the hip hop group....i dont care if its not the correct way im an individual ....remember)
When you become apart of this rejected group its alot of feelings you might feel. Anger (well fuck them i dont need anyone) sadness (i just wanted to be liked so bad) happy ( i am me and thats good enough for me ) just to name a few but what i personally felt was confusion, denial and eventually self loathing. I just didnt get it like why didnt people like me ? Why was i the "weird" one ? Why did i always stick out? And being the type of person that i am ( someone who needs solid answers to be satisfied) i started digging. I need to find out what was it that made people hate me (it wasnt until later i found it that most of it was insecurities that others had that was projected on to me ) i started to pick away at every thing i did. From the way i walk ,talk, dress, speak, thought and even breathe.......i thought my breathing was a problem BREATHING THE THING YOU NEED TO SURVIVE I WAS DOING WRONG .........in my eyes.
So naturally anything i created i did the same too. I became very critical to my own artwork not liking anything i do. "I saw a better version of it before" "people won't get it" " i don't see a point of keep going" "i said this wrong " i spelt that incorrectly" . I took being your own worst critic to another level which made me not put effort into anything i did. Because whats the point in putting in the effort if you know its gonna be "trashed". Besides the fact that at the time i was trying to beat myself down so noone can beat me down lower and you just have a recipe for a spineless gutless lil worm. That was me
However at the ripe young age of 26, i realized something there is nothing ... wrong ....with... me. And i dont mean it in a narcissistic way but more if a self acceptance way. I am who i am. I always standout because i was born to stand out. Im weird because im born to be weird. Yes i could be like everyone and follow trends and do what the majority do but why if i dont like it . I'll in turn not like myself. So why fight it ? The best way to fight something like this is just by embracing it . owning it. Knowing that there can truly only be one you why cheapen it by trying to be something else. Some people have a function in this society that others might seem as more revered others roles might be alil more simple. For an example, imagine a baker who make cookies to sell at a farmers market there might be a man who buys those cookies every tuesday for his wife. Which in turn brighten her day and alil staple in their relationship. The baker labor makes sunshine in someone else life. Alil basic but the point is still made we dont know how we affect someone life so its best to be yourself.
From now on thats what im doing imma be me unapologetically. I will not go quietly into the night!" I will not vanish without a fight! I am going to live on! I'm going to survive! Today i celebrate my Independence Day! (Yes i did copy the script from independence day )
