Frustration of the present past

When i was younger my not give a fuck attitude was freeing. Thinking back its still pretty freeing, just now i have responsibilities a need to earn more money, to open up more , to care about my appearance n to actually give a fuck about my health. I have become  what i fought against . Im not a clone (of course not) but I'm not the same back when the only thing on my mind was falling in love, music, getting high, n trying to die. As dark as those times was i was happy all because i was free. Im trapped into obligations that I owe people. I literally had my own mind and thats it my best friends would call me weird because i stayed there. My girlfriend was imaginary like seriously n it helped with my loneliness. Now i have a bunch of friends n i appreciate them to the fullest but since i spent so much time  on  me finding out who i am . Then tearing it down for it to be rebuilt   (you dont like me ) no nothing like that  but its just our friends are your friends noone likes me they love you (i came from  you you cant say they love without loveing you) yea i guess but i just want that freedom( n you think i dont) no  because you gree which is ok but its no longer  unpredictable  we would walk around and  just enjoy  the time now we walk n get on fb ( we can stop that ) or on the phone (ok? You dont want friends you want fans ) yes if thats bad so what ive rooted for others where is the ones who say you talented and cool (....)nothing to say just like everyone says  that strong silent  type is getting old (so is snapping every time things don't go your way) so i cant be frustrated  (not saying that but have some control i hate working i hate to have to do things i have to do i wish i could go around tge city  like the old days  get drunk write poetry  and record songs but we gottta do this wack shit first) i get it i just don't like it when the suicidal thoughts was just an assumption  it was better but know everyone knows so you on a list (i want a hug too ) what ? ( you  want love ) no ( yes when we didnt care who we dated just as long as we can date domeone who was feeling us it  was  cool since its good in everyone but now we have preferences and  trust issues)we did before ( yea but not like this) its been so long tho ( iknow  2 years almost ) we need the board( yea we do we also need to write ) who going to make us feel alright ( we will ) not  enough (art?) You  became  soo "deep " that you  forgot one thing (whats that ) art cant love you back (...............) exactly