Death goals

First lets address the synchronicity. After passing out at my bro crib i met his sister and her boyfriend. The conversation ranged from guns to drugs to death. Ironically the subject that caught me was the gun talk. I havent really been knowledgeable about but i have a interest in weapons. Later on that night i met up with another young man who topic was.... Guns. Now as cultured as i am i still know the hood. The hood is a social place you must do gangster shit with your hood friends so your status is verified. Here is a connfession i didnt have that many friends . (shocking) one i didnt want them snake in grass as niggas around"im listening but im not speaking because in Philly you can be in the same hood and still be beefing" another reason i was too different another reason was i didnt want death to take my friends. So even if i did have friends who actually fucked with me they might die i saw it happen. I dont like that feeling of trying to call someone or wanting to talk to someone and to just realize they gone forrever. This ironically made my obsession with death. Ive studied it for years to the point she was my side piece. The kicker yea the big surpise even through i got so many future plans with so many people now. I dont have any goals. While People have goals to have a family get married make money Nd be happy the only thing im thinking about is how my death gonna be and the effect it will have on people in my life.it sounds sad but im inpatient and as beautiful i know life is i know it comes to an end so waste all this time. See this is where my pyramid come in at. I have love people but not one love to a person so my will is diminished and i wont be free. I guess this is my struggle smh