To actually build yourself from the ground up....again is difficult. After years of using .........cutting as a copping mechanism then it switch to sex then drugs n alcohol its like depression just made me self destructive. Mainly because i was i didn't have a goal but to die as soon as possible. For years.......10 + years dig if you will this picture waking up n not really caring if you live that day. Actually before the day is over you hope that you die or at least die in your sleep n when you wake up you mad at god for being alive.........i had a beef with god for keeping me alive and waking me up.
That's why now me at 25 , trying to move past that i don't have a clue of what I'm doing. im just doing what i did in the past, whatever made me feel good. Its a hedonist mindset but it on the only one o know . looking back tho i dont think i struggle besides the other things like depression n shit. my struggle was never external n i think now is my time to go through both internal and external and be this functional human like i mentioned before.
(I was thinking. When im at my peak level of happiness i get silly and well.......chilidish. Which i see as two options. One because i was depressed and down for so long i never could be a child so this is me living it out. Two im just a natually childish silly person. I hope its the second i like the feeling that i can be childish at heart ) and mature in the mind { and old in the s o ul}
Past
(Present)
{Future}
If we can balance it out we would be unstoppable.
(Its the if that makes it the problem)
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