Who am i

I honetly dont think you realize what goes on in my mind on a daily. This is a struggle for me each day i dont know who i am. My depression took a big chunk of my life. Everyday i act however i feel everyone wants me to act and its easy ive studied people for so long its easy to copy. I dont get to say what ibfeel or what i think people would not get it and i dont want wish to be alienated anymore idk if im born to be introverted or if i made myself introverted and in the back i hear the repeated sound of not get hurt not to get angry not to let the emotions take over. I want to hide but i cant i want run but i cant i want to make all this go away but i cant n im scared that my life is gonna be like this forever

The joy of anger

Anger comes from pain.
Even if it's self afflicted or otherwise anger comes from pain.
If you have an anger addiction you know that joy. That feeling of release when you lash out rather lash out on people close to you or not just that blind fury. Its soo exhilarating. it gets your adrenaline pumping.
However explosive anger like that is dangerous. Not only would it get you in to trouble ie fights, cops come ,arrested or killed it just not something people want to be around. Before you know it you pushed everyone away with your anger.


For me on the other hand lately i craved loneliness. I always get the feeling. Like if i clone myself i will be straight i want someone to understand with no judgement and even if no judgement comes its still no understood which makes me want to turn to drugs or other vices so i can be fine here. In this ......"world" i look down i look up and see nothing new. I tried meditation and thats the reason im not cutting myself a great blessing if i say so myself. But .....idk i lot of people i know i working back to the top me on the other hand i dont know what its like. I never tasted it the only thing i tasted was defeat. So much so i studied it i studied pain istudied death i studied depression. But not happiness or peace i just want it. And lot of people had it and lost it and i wont undermine my mirco sucesses or overlook my obstacles that i got over. But i litterally have a plan but its always something stopping and to be honest thats frustrating and it makes me angry. But lashing out is impossible.....
Im already on the watch list i can't be trusted with certain things
I thought about how much pain i was in. I wanted everyone dead everyone. I dont want to be that anymore i want to be ok i want sane i want to be.....happy. These masks are getting dirty why i revel my true face without being labeled a crybaby or sensitive .......by my own damn self. I keep it all in because of my own psyche. I get beat in here just showing anytype of unpleasant emotion. I rather try to be emotionless that why i wont get that fear of being verbal jumped by my own mind. I dont even know who i am before the depression let alone after ....

Happiness is a state of mind and if my state of mind wont let me believe that happiness can stay with me what does that leave me. Responsibility is not pushing me to happiness trying to juggle what i want and what i need. Then to think of the fact that i have attachments to people so i have think about them.


I know its just being an adult. But can i at least have a reaction to something but no i continue to make money and rest up to make the same amount lets let this cycle continue