Throughout my life, I've noticed the difference between age and maturity. We can all get older but only a certain number of us actually grow up.
My mom always told me I was always acting older than I was. Basically implying I was an old soul. This is a concept that stuck with me. If she would have stuck with me. If she would have informed me of the old soul thing, I would have been ok with it. I would have taken it with pride but she didn't. After I got to a certain age she said now I act more like a child (i was still a child) this was a shock to me but I didn't know how I acted before was too mature that it would set a standard that I had to live up to for the rest of my life. After I left my mom house I tried to just have fun. At the significant age of 12, 13,14 (basically preteen ) I was transitioning from a childish boy to a childish teen. I found friends on my dad's block who was younger. We would play tag, hide n seek, racing up and down the block, playing Nintendo in favor of the more "mature" PlayStation. However unknowledgeable to her, my mother words echoed 'you need to act your age" this time by older members of the same block. They would see me playing and remark" you're too old to playing tag, you should be going to the mall, You shouldn't be wanting to play these baby games, you should be talking to girls. You shouldn't waste your money on candy you should be buying clothes." Noone actually taught me how to "be a teen ". They just said it was a problem never told me how to fix it. So I was wondering now "am I too childish? Should I consider ditching my friends for a more "mature" and age-appropriate crowd? Due to my unshakeable and unwavering loyalty, I never left them deciding if it become a problem I'll know and we would grow together as a team...... a crew....... a squad."Youre only as old as your ability to process new infomation" Phonte
Sadly we didn't..........
Fast forward to high school where because I didn't go through prior training, when it comes to social interaction with kids my age, I was awkward to say the least. This is before I knew about introverts and extraverts. So I figure I was just a shy weirdo. Also, my depression kicked in even harder due to my inability to fit and the other aspects in my life that I have yet to figure out. I wanted to die at 21 if not then at least 25 most definitely. Being a free spirit man-child, growing up was the worst thing in the world to me. I wanted to convey these feelings of depression and isolation or even dread for the future to my peers but I couldn't. They would only discuss the limited amount of things. Women, money, drugs, fashion, music, and sports. Wash, rinse and repeat. Eventually due to lack of connection and my desperate need for some sort of attachment I became more "mature". I gave up N64 for being in dirty whores and I liked for a while but my taste in enjoyment grew to something that some may say is pretentious. I would call it more...."adult" Not in a sleazy way (like that dirty whore joke smh I apologize profusely for that joke. I'm very ashamed of myself for it ) but more in a museum, book clubs and deep conversation way I wanted to be more cultured. Something guys my age wasn't really into. That's not really what high schoolers (the ones i was around at least) was in to.
Once again, the phrase "you are too grown for your age" echoes in my mind. So like last I pushed this feeling down and try to enjoy my life."I'm only young once and ill be old forever. So let's be young wild and free now". It wasn't until the first dreaded year of 21 where my life changed forever. At this time I was down on my luck. My views were darker than ever and my future was dim and dull. i accidentally slipped in a relationship. Not just any relationship like in the past but a relationship with a woman whos a parent. Fatherhood at 21, younger than most but older than others. As time passes, I grew a deep love for the child and woman. This kick-started my older adult staus once again. No more games or outward promiscuous sex. I have something to fight for. I have a family now who i have to lead. Unfounturnely, not unlike everything else in life that I try to plan for I lost it. My family now gone ironically due to my childish behavior. (i Cheated smh ) as much as I wanted to be mature, I wasn't ready to be.....not yet. This tragic event made me look at my life more critically.
The relationship was over when I was around 23. I was slowly approaching the age 25, The second death age. I started to try to work on a legacy to leave behind (besides my blog) that I would be remembered for. I went to work to gain money to fund this legacy project. I tried to tie up loose ends and met with old friends. My crew, my squad from before and was shocked to see they were ahead of me. imagine the kids that you were told was too young, having a car and a house, taking trips around the world and doing whatever they wanted to do. I just got used to actually paying my phone bill on time. They were growing and doing it correctly. I had a sense of pride since its good to see people do good but I felt disappointed. Even looking around at the peers at my school who I considered immature for their limited interest were also moving on with their lives. This made me notice both of them having something I desperately wanted but didn't realize I didn't have. Freedom. I learned at this age that money equals freedom in this country. I always consider money to be the root of evil. I've seen what it do to people. It sucks the childlike wonder from their eye and I didn't want that for me. The childlike wonder kept me alive the last thing I wanted is for the innocence in me to die. I had friends who were also a step ahead of but still had the same ideals and hope and wonder I had. so I had to know it was possible to do. Now I work and.....
I was right. Responsibility sucks the child and innocence from you. It makes you stress and biter and if you not doing what you want to do, you will become worse. Just working towards money aimlessly and being around the wrong people, they will tell you this is a good thing. So you can die tired, miserable stressed and broken but hey at least they have money to bury you. This life is sad painful and sometimes seemly unbearable when you look at it that way. Honestly,I have regrets. I have a feeling that my best years are behind me. Seriously itsitso much that could be done and its so much that could be achieved. However a purpose and a path makes it so much easier. The way i see it is work as an adult to live life as a child once again.
No comments:
Post a Comment