im tired on so many levels

i know it seems like i just use thisblog as a place to just vent aka complain but i dont think anyone could ever handle or understand how i feel on a daily . people got their own damn problems and dont want to be bothered by the bullshit i give them. im a burden i know i am because i feel like i am and if i had a friend like me i wouldnt want to hear about how every week its something new to make him depressed. then have the nerve to say i dont know why i feel this way. people need a reason and a valid one to give you their symthey because they have their own drama stress and issues and picking yours is not something they feel like doing. i feel worst for my gf she dont know what to do hell i dont know what to do i walk around like i know the answer playing dr phil to everyone in my damn life but cant even fix shit in my life. one thing i know bothers me alot is thwe feeling there is no end. no happy ending. im sorry i still grasp on to that naiivety that a happy ending is possible. im just waiting for something to show up and make me happy and everything i thought would didnt. i have a passion hell i have a bunch opf them i have a girl who loves me i have friends who cares i have discpline to get things ihave perfect health i have no kids. i have a good paying job i have a house kinda and freedom to come and go as i please i have money enough to do something with. i wanted a laptop i have one i wanted books i got them i got weed i controled my drinking i ate today i shouldnt havee a reason to be depressed but yet i just want to find the sharpest knife and cut my wrist. or just run away and not tell anyone i want to dissappear and never come back go in the woods somewhere and just hang myself . my heart wants to cry i want to be held i want to be vaulnerable i want to soft i want relax not jsut a lil bit of hours on off days for a long time but i cant i have to work to make maoney to pay fro a craft so i can make money off of that to stop working and do what i want. life is work work is hell i know it sounds lazy but its alot when you have many obligations to so many people people look at you and say you have talent and just want that potental to be put into better use. like i dont like i dont want want to be paid off my work ki know it would get easier the more i doit but i want to breath but i dont gheta real chance to breate just enough to get my second wind and contiue working i like it better when i was alone i can do nothing and affect noone now i dont have have that luxary. i want to call people i want text people messages people but i cnt im not brave enough to ask for help im i dont want to feel weakeven though i know deep down its nothing weak about that actually its the strongest thing you can do. but toxixc thinking still lays in my mind and psyce i want to cry i to live i want to go to penns landing feel the air on my skin smeel mell the water see the view of the river hear the crashing of waves and taste it as the water fill my lungs and i can just just look up as i fade into the abyess prefitable oin the evening close to sunset . i like purple skyies its calming and beautiful. and the saddest part of all of this i have to hide this every day i have to be happy i have to give the people what they want otherwise they woulkd start to investigate and when they find nothing it is wrong with you they will fell cheated and dissapointed by the answer like we got real issues and you worring about whats in your head . this fear of happiness is becoming intese i as just proud of myself for being consist soemthing that is very difficult for  y but i did it for a month thre is not none ove my bak telling me to do it its just me doing oit by myself i see growth and feelthe need to to run im so broken that growth is something tht needs to be explain to me to be a good thing but i hate being stagnant i walk around with a n inflated sense of pride this narsissm and then i hate myself more than anyone els ei know life is about uops and down buyt they downs when its someit ssupposed to be ups and ups when its supposed to be down then that emlinging empty feelik that there every day



I feel  filled with emptyness




do you even kn ow im alive do you even know i iii do you even know im alive