commitment and the issues i have with it

(the painting have nothing to do with this post i just want to show it )

When it comes to commitment no matter if its friendship relationship or even jobs I have something called a pressure limit. I truly believe everyone has this limit. The point where they won't be able to keep going. Which leads to many experiences going like this.

1. I take the drama out of loyalty no matter how much it is
2. I am not properly reciprocated 
3. I start to become very impatient
4. my impatience become annoyance until the point of disinterest 
5. the person or job gets its act together due to the time they had with me supporting them
6. The person or job looks at me for celebration 
7. I'm too detached to care
8. I'm looked like the bad guy 
9. we split

Forreal I didn't need to do the list I just feel like it works to see the flow of events and its a better understanding. I realize this by looking at my past relationship and current situations. Currently, I'm on point 7 on both too detached to care. it's not something I have control over well I do I put more on myself than I can bear and I believe somehow my efforts and struggle would be rewarded but most times I don't get the retribution I believe I deserve so I break. Me breaking look like me acting out of character, look towards something new or in some way or another I find a way to cause pain to myself. not physically but more of emotionally and mentally once the self-destruction pass I become detach because now its like I hurt me and you made me hurt me so you must be toxic to me you must have a distance. Something that anyone knows about me is I placed myself low. So, me being alone is nothing. I've done it before and actually kinda like it. it's a freedom that I only look out for my interest and my interest alone everyone else comes second. Jobs demand that they come first no matter what you need money what provides money a job. Jobs don't care if you don't feel well or if you OK or if you have money issues the only thing they care about is you doing your job. That constitutes being on time, making time for work, doing the best you can, give them all your energy and time. A relationship is a bit different.

People are not a corporation. They are not there to make money. They have feelings and goals and their own intentions. The main point is being there for that person no matter what unrequited. However, everything has its point and sadly I have reached my point. I know this because I give a nonchalant answer. you get my true logical cold and logically way of thinking. Emotions are not really cared for with this way of thinking. You get the actual me at my freest form. I don't have the restraints on me because I truly don't care. Now I have a creed I try to live by and I will never take off that much restraint to break that creed but it's enough to have noticed a difference. My nice guy demeanor fades and shatters and you see the big asshole that I am. Me being nice is not so much being fake or even a facade. i believe that not a lot of people are not nice and the point is to be nice and leave people with a good taste of you in their mouth .(that sounds freaky) With my job it's no coming back its nothing that they can do to actually make me want to stay and be happy and satisfied. With relationships, I fight to hold on. Why? because I feel obligated. Make no mistake the chart above is correct but just because I don't care now don't mean I won't care in the future. As I said before, people actually have feelings and these are fickle and very free-flowing. I just know how to make mines static. Also at the age, I'm at now (too young to have a midlife crisis but older to rent a car) I tend to want to try to keep the people who I find important to me around so its a commitment sure but it's not as strong as it could or probably should be.

No one is perfect and that's a lesson I'm still learning. People deserve chances and its up to the person they dealing with AKA me to determine how many chances they deserve. Its some people that i have a relationship with that others would say i should give up on. To me, that's sad. I know what its like to be given up on it hurts. It makes you feel dispensable and at any moment you can be placed in the trash again. This is the core root of why I have this undying loyalty to certain people I don't want to put that feeling on anyone but at the same time what about me? What am i supposed to do with all the stress and drama they put on me???..... I guess that s what i got the blog and the art of writing for. A hot song or a book or even a blog post can be a way to be therapy and a way to vent out my frustrations. It sounds simple I just don't do it as frequent due to the comfortably of typing

(like I am now ) on a computer rather on a phone. So, in essence, I have to be more committed to my art to be more committed to me to be more committed to people. (not jobs tho they get something different ) It's a lot but its possible. Last time i was tired to and to be honest, at this time i still am its just a lil bit more comforting being tired with your art that you are committed to.