Sometimes you just don't feel like yourself
or in my case
feel like a version of myself
Today feel like one of those days
I go back and forth with the feelings of inclusion and exclusion. Sometimes I do want to join everyone with the fun. I don't want to be a stick in the mud who can't have fun due to thinking too much or too deeply. I want to be free and not be so worried about how I look in someone else eyes. I have restraints that hold me back. Then sometimes its something I couldn't care less about. The problem is finding a balance and foreal it's difficult. If you believe in astrology my moon is in Libra and my sun is Gemini so it's balancing out twins as I always say but lately, it's been more cerebral and if I could be honest more sexual
1. Cerabal - My mental state lately has been bouncing off the wall. Between the mood swings of being extremely honest with myself speaking with no diplomacy and a sadness that seems to create a void that leaves me with an emptiness that cant be filled only forgotten about. If I tell people about this they ask the obvious question "well what were you thinking about?" and my answer "nothing". It just comes. I just wake up confident, ready to take on the world and all that it has. i know that life has its setbacks but at the same time we can dictate our future and become the writers of our story. Then by the middle of the day out of nowhere, i feel like what's the point of keep trying. Why do anything? Nothing I do will measure up or even make an impact in any way. I call this bipolar but I don't want to self-diagnose because that's a problem with the populace. When it comes to mental health a lot of people use buzzwords like clinical depression when its probably just intense sadness or bipolar when they mean mood swings. My symptoms, however, sound like an acute form of such. Sleep plays a factor but its no way to really measure that accurately.
2. Sexually - I love the aesthetic of a woman. I find them very beautiful and always admire the beauty. Having a girlfriend holds you back from doing what you want which is give in to your carnal temptations and primal instincts. So this adds more restraints especially when being a cheater is what you were labeled as before in the past. To have that label and honestly be personally ashamed of it, it makes you want to hold back more. I have no desire to start and not hurt the one I love but I LOVE sex. The act of it, the feel of it, the art, the passion, the pleasure. yea, for me its not an easy task.Let's not confuse this with the human emotion lust. This is past lust. Sometimes it's insatiable and unable to focus on anything but the human body and the experience of climaxing even when times don't call for it. No one is pure in thoughts all the times or maybe its just me. Not to say the temptation is too large that I can't control or handle it. It's just there. Its an elephant in the room in my mind if that makes sense.
AS you see I'm writing more often lately. It's a good thing. it gives me an outlet counterbalance to the cage I feel like I'm living in. Soon or later I'm going to go to therapy to get a professional opinion. To describe my mood now I'm angry, im disappointed, I'm content, I'm blessed, I'm melancholy and hopeful. It feels like I'm under a watchful eye of an audience and sometimes i want to give them a show and sometimes i want to be left alone and not be seen. Maybe the audience is me.. and sometimes i want to show myself to myself and sometimes I want to hide all the undesirable parts. The scary part is how often I flip between the two.
"I seen better days if i pass after i die ..........celibrate" -Micky factz
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