Conscious Crumbs

Imagine living with a sickness that comes every time you thought you getting better. It’s like a virus of the mind. It injects itself inside of it making it rot from the inside. you’re thoughts become darker and more morbid. Things you have never even considered to imagine because they are “negative “are now on your mind all the time. You have thoughts of suicide or death.  When the rotting of the brain grows to its maximum potential, it finally breaks and spreads to other parts of the body. The day after it's your heart and you’re emotions are left unbalanced. How you feel become a mystery. You don’t always feel like killing yourself but just going away because death would feel better than undertaking the unbearable stress that lays on you. Pinning your emotions down until they feel like they are not even there. When you’re heart finally decays the cycle continues onto your body. Making it get weaker and weaker. You lie in you’re the bed and feel the heaviness of the dead weight inside of you.  Everyone around you telling you to get up and just go do what you need to do but you can’t muster up the strength to get up to do anything about it. You have been in this in this slump in the past. You crawled out this hole alone before. You feel drained, defeated, broken and exhausted. That’s depression, cancer of the psyche, sometimes it goes undiagnosed and overlooked but it’s very real.

Some days are ok. You smile at people and they smile back. The sun is shining, the birds are chirping, and you see the world for what it is and all its splendor. Then sadly it's other days. The days where you can look at the same smiling people and feel the exact opposite. Their smiles seem to mock you throwing in your face all the joy you are missing out on. Ultimately, you feel guilty for feeling this way. Either because you don’t feel the same and you know interacting would spoil their mood and make them pity you or your irritability, since you don’t know why you feel like this, would definitely piss them off. So, you try shaking off the feelings using reason and logic. Doesn’t work. You try to put on happy music and dancing. Doesn’t work. You go for a walk that turns to a jog which turns to a run. You try to exercise, yoga downward dog upward dog, doesn’t work. You try reading, eating drinking, talking, hugging, kissing, cuddling, even sex. Doesn’t work. You try video games, Facebook, Instagram, Pinterest, snapchat, YouTube. DOESN’T WORK…….. Then you look over at the table in the kitchen and see your book…. Your ol reliable beat up composition book, you open to a fresh page and begin to bleed words. Every emotion you feel splatters on the page. So much the page becomes full and you need another. You need more canvas to throw paint on. Jackson Pollock would be so proud. Your heart races as your handwriting become erratic. Switching back and forth between perfect penmanship to chicken scratch. Your hand begins to cramp. You flex your index finger and keep writing. You lean over the book cause you already hurting back starts to radiate pain to other places. You sit up straight and keep writing. You start to feel like you’re fighting yourself. “I need this,” you say to yourself. “I need to get this out”. As your thoughts become darker your words do too. Pushing down on the pen more and more to the point if you push any harder you will pierce a hole in your book. Then you drop your pen, let it roll to the seam of the book. Sit back, close your eyes and sign because even though you wrote ALL your feelings down with such passion.…..Nothing changed.  You just feel…..empty.  All the while the little critics in your head laugh and insult you.” All that and for what? look outside its night time now. You wasted so many hours on something that didn’t help anything. Don’t you realize you are broken and can never be fixed. You are born to be a failure. You’re stupid.  You have no reason to be happy. You have no reason to live. Everyone is better off without you.  Even if by some grace of God, you MAY be talented, but it doesn’t matter no one would read what you wrote.”

Sometimes everything is not so dark and gloomy. Sometimes its shades of grey and logic and emotion collide. Without running the risk of sounding pretentious, Deep thinking with philosophy and make you realize that life means nothing in the grand scheme of the world. This notion becomes especially strong when you’re faced with sudden death. You start to wonder about your place in the world. You start to see the fragility of life. Begin to see how easy it can be taken away. This would normally send a person to a state of mind to love life and cherish every waking moment. Me, on the other hand, feel the opposite. I see the people who need, love and cherish me. I love and care for them so much that I don’t want to let them down. Also after years of just wanting to die then having something to live for, it kind of gave me an existential whiplash. I want to die because I don’t have a point to keep going, I don’t want to disappoint the people who have faith in me and for years I had nothing else to look forward to but death. Death is not controllable, predictable or even preventable. As hard as I try to deny this fact I love things to be in my control and I know I’m not the only one. I believe we can make plans and plan Bs in case the first plan failed and plan C if that plan B failed. However, when all the plans are exhausted and the feeling of not being in control of the world around set in, it can be nerve wrecking. Seeing that everything you try to work to get just fail time and time again. For people like me at least, when dealing with depression you always have to be in control of your internal world. The emotions and thoughts have to be in restraints at all times, so we don’t fall back to the slump. That’s how you get to be a “good “respectable person and in the end….it doesn’t matter. Can’t escape the inevitable no matter how hard you try. This may be the main aspect of death I hate. Not just when it comes to me but the people I’m around and care. It could be anyone at any time and that feeling of being on guard all the time is draining and sapping all the time, emotion and energy from me every. Single. Day. So, when people asked “What’s wrong” I just reply with “Life, Life is wrong." Sometimes I just want to let go.