whateva foreva

Sometimes you want to be alone
and feel your feelings and rationalize them
or just good conversation
its times like this  where progress is lost due to the fact that releases are no where to be found
then when conversations like that  you dont want to talk to the one person you supposed to talk but its whatever



its whatver
whteva




its going to be my reaction forever becayuse im still not comfortable expressing my emotions fully so its gonna be whatever forrever




i want to write it away but i just need my space and to be honest i havent had that in a while i hide in bathrooms just to get a lil breathers and even thats not enough

but like i said whateva

Pressure on locks

People don't understand the thoughts I can't express. I'm done trying to explain them to humans in various ways. I want to be a serial killer. They are obsessed over. People go into major details about their lives. Trying to figure out what caused them to be what they are. They try to ......understand them.

That amount of dedication
such passion
i crave that obsession.


I wanted to be wanted when I was  younger but  it wasn't enough
then I wanted to be loved but  that was enough
Now I want to be understood.

and its not there. It never is. Well not completely.


I hide so much but i'm a open book.Yes ,I still have skeletons in my graveyard that i wouldn't show to anyone in this fucking world. Because i feel no one deserves to see it. They don't put in the work to actually dig deep. i can study myself and come to the conclusion that i am easy to understand. Its just scattered everywhere in music, poems , writings everywhere. i  feel like its consumed not digested.Its just read forgotten and moved on.


So i try to live a healthy life. Communicating, becoming social , laughing more, loving more, giving respect and gratitude. It doesn't feel like it's enough it feels like its more i need. Me having a child wont help. ill just fuck up that life. (contrary to popular belief)

I don't want success. I want to be adored. I want flowers dropped at my damn feet. I want to let go of this pent up aggression. I want to destroy something in a response of holding in for so long.I went from being a non-caring motherfucker to a good upstanding citizen of this nation. The recklessness didn't go way. That fucking monster is still there just  locked in there. Begging to be released and it's getting harder to keep him in there when its other stuff being added to the same cell everyday. Self-discipline and self-control is hard to have when no one talks about it. They just figure that if you want to be better you just deal with it. Which is true but how about communicating and finding different outlets by being happy and showing gratitude it sounds nice and wonderful but i think i was wired wrong it doesn't work for me. I'm too sensitive and I'm too passive i'm trying to be better than before but its nothing but pressure.

pressure on locks . so maybe i wont be a serial killer just yet but if that cage is ever open

god have mercy on their souls



except for you whoever reading this


because you listen you care

Right?

Free will = life

Now as long as I can remember I wasn't afraid to say that i have a particular relationship with death. This made me very nihilistic and depressed but as I grow to be more positive and not try to be in control, i have to change my view on it. So while on the bus I thought of how. What is so fascinating about death that i feel this "love" for it?  One word: Fate.


Anyone who knows me knows how much I value free will. Allowing people to do what they want as long as it's not to the detriment of others (and even then its others free will to allow that person to do so). This is the only thing that separates us from animals and even angels if you believe in that thing. The choice to be morally good or bad. To love or hate. Create or destroy. Now while every situation is not always that black and white, its the choice that takes the stage. This is why i'm so against manipulation even though i'm very capable of using it. i just feel like it robs people of life AKA Free will.


Death goes against this logic and has no free will its all fate. When a person going to die, where they going to die and how they are going  to die i think is preset and run by destiny. Now we can take our life to any extreme but its ultimately predetermined. This why i feel like that. Death is unpredictable its literally out of control no matter how much you try to control it . People believe they have power by owning a gun and shooting it and taking someone life. i'm sorry, I don't see it like that. The person you killed was supposed to die there and series of unfortunate event lead it up to here.

So this slight knowledge knowing i cant control death makes me feel more secured.













....................................Im too tiured to coninue i hope my point got across

its not a fan i want......

i want to show my ideas and express them sadly i cant or can i ?


Im working on a story where the focus is on a young man with parent issues. i want to focus on the fact that parents love can affect how we love.our relationships depend on that now.

im also working a revolutary army one where the whites took over and a group of revoltonary blacks have to go the  promise land but it wont be easy if every sunday its a purge.

also a story about intergallatic travel between  worlds in a universe i created. Where the main point is getting to a plantet that may or may not exist

another is about andriod assuming the life of black woman

i have more but i cant rememeber them all if i have to talk about them more but its hard to.