expressing unchecked

Lately I had to stop smoking for some reason it didn't affect me in ways I thought It would have except made me more easier to focus I guess its benefits of not smoking. If used for numbing I guess its nothing wrong.........wait what am i I saying? it is a problem with that but venting is better I can use it though so I can get a better mood. im down but not in a way that would be normally be associated with being down its more of a neutral feeling. I feel grey


Gray


that's the perfect representation of how I feel right now grey


Just a bland feeling
not happy
not sad
not mad


just bland or meh


I wish I could go into details why but that's for a even more private entry


funny I have so many ways I talk about how I feel but I still feel misunderstood


you want to know why?
I don't tell the full story
its not on purpose its just a lot of things swirling around in my head but when I bring them up its hard to control and actually have a coherent thought




When this mental flaw is brought up im looking stupid




but whatever






I've been having a fascination with phoenixes.  I love the idea of rebirth and death. I feel like I died around 4 years ago and I had been reborn. However at the same time, I feel like I have to die again. I don't feel like myself anymore and im slowly slipping away, losing with each passing  day. I check sometime to see if i'm still here.  I give myself an ego boost  and try to move through out the day but its getting hard to hold on.

sidebar its a guy im sitting next to smell like sweat but its a familiar sweat smell its not bad to me because it bring up memories
memories of my past life




I need to be stoic. It gives me control.  I need to always have my feelings in check. otherwise im going to play the victim and depress myself or im going let my emotions run wild. When that happens i'll end up hurting me or people close to due to an attitude I had previously .
however the drawback is I wont get the full joy of life since expressing these emotions and how expressive and dramictic I am it will run wild. So its expressing it through art and writing and after that speak it out I have a system and I will stick to it its the only thing I can stick to..


Art
Conversation
let it go


I have the biggest fear of reverting back to what I was before because if that was when I was dead that's when I was a zombie and I truly was. and lately I been feeling that fear but with my system imma live and die again


Everyone will see something new when I die again trust me but for now sit back and enjoy the show