Provides

Sometimes you gotta look at what you giving and understand everything you do or give have a compound element to it. Little things that have no results that can be seen become a big impact in the future.
For example if you want to lose weight the first times you count calories , exercise, drink less sugary drinks you won't see a difference. However give it a month or two. If you don't look different you might feel different. The point is you have to keep doing it. It's called habit building and the only way to build a habit is to do it..... consistently and constantly.



Me personally, this is an issue that have looked over and only see the benefits of it now. I'm not a everyday type of person however when it came to my journal I made it more of a mission to get something done even if its just a sentence I get it done. ..let me chill

Providing is more than an instant response. It happened over time.

Passion

 must i scream to get my point across 

must i dream to get over my loss


I dont think others understand how much passion i have. At times its overwhelming. As a cup that runneth over, its over the top of how much i love this craft. This art. I want to do it all the time. Today i woke up , and wanted to write that was the only thing in my head

"Write.Write.WRITE!"

Like a positive anexiety. I have never felt like this before well...i did about music at one point but music is a little different. You need equripment , money , beats , an engineer multiple things to get music to come alive. Writing is alive as soon as you put pen to paper or type a letter to a screen. That's a big difference. To make something in your head come alive. Everything is done by me. The editing the multiple drafts all me.Its something in this world that is all mine. And whats best about it is, im good at it. I mean i feel like i can always get better i have things to work on and im doing it because i love the craft. But im definatinely above the average person who may not write at all. These words are like bricks that build a beautiful house that i can stand back and look at and say"Look what I did! Look what I  can do." For many years, i was pleagued by the feeling that of insignificance. I felt nothing i did matttered and never will. I'll just be one of those guys whos know a lot but do nothing it. I have a voccation now. I  HAVE A VOCATTION. A craft.

The problem is no one have the same passion as me.So im not around other writier to share this feeling. The closest i gave is my brother who have a passion for music which i do too byut its not as deepas my passion for writing. (songwriting is a part of music but its not the same) but i love people who are passionate about things. Its beautiful to see some  face light up now heres the sad part.

And at this part of my life i cant worry about that anymore because it childish to wait around for people to care because its one truth in life

Noone cares

Not to sound nilestic but its kinda true. People wont care unless you do. Sadly, you have to put in their face" hey this is what i like!!! Look at this because i put work and effort into this!" Its like a child with a drawing in class. It boost self esteem. When you grow older you start to realize that not that many people are going to boost your self esteem. That's why people walk around with inflated egos or  the more popular self deprivations. 

Laptop acting stupid and it's pissing me so I guess I'm done 

Never thought I will say it

I need  the (mind)rapist =therapist

Money have so much power here. Well now I have to use it to my advantage.

I'm  needy I see that now.

And I need someone to understand I'm going through stuff
My old friends only see it from their point of view which is from the past to now
My newer people's see what it could be without taking the past in consideration because they wasn't there to experience it or even understand it

Both is terrible and with me being introspective (even during times when I don't want to be ) it's always something new I can bring up to try to fix about myself

Then society affecting me in ways they affect the rest of the masses. The only difference I see it. And it hurts to have to keep taking these metaphorical pills.

These pills that pacify everyone to guard them from things that need to be done. Things that gives pleasure. Food,drugs, alcohol, sex,drama ,tv , Facebook, etc
This country feel like a damn nuthouse and I'm the one who flew over the cuckoo's nest.
I rather be lobotomized and smothered.

But no I have to "stay here" because it's a "safe thing to do"
I really don't feel like it.
Maybe I didnt fully heal from my suicide attempt
I wanted to cry
So bad

But  I  cant.
Just conti


Wake up
Go to work
Work on art that never be released because of fear
Be upset
Go to sleep
Repeat



I'm starting to hate myself again
Hence why I need the mind rapist to fuck with my mind to help get my head back in order


Funny my mind was never in order Im just extremely well at hiding
But not anymore I'm weak and I can't heal naturally