Past

I still hold on to pain I have given to people. Even if these people have forgotten about me and what I did, I still hold on. Because I know how long lasting some pain is and the effects it can have to a person later on in life. Also i hate the fact that i  wasn't prepared to take life serious as I should when I was younger. I let self doubt and low self esteem tear me up and kill me before I actually got a chance to start. I could have took more risk been more experimental with my failures. But I wasn't. I was scared to take Ls because I didn't want to be made fun of.  Even though I had the most I don't give a fuck attitude on the outside, inside I did.
I gave a fuck alot.

 As I got older and older ,I kept growing resentment for myself. "You have all this untapped potential and you waste it. why are you like this ?" I always say I should be way farther than where I am but If it wasn't the pain that I afflicted to others that  I wouldn't let go of it was the self doubt I wouldn't overcome. I wasn't passionate about anything due that I don't give a fuck we all going to die attitude I had. I also wasn't passionate enough to work for what I wanted.  I thought success would come to me because I was talented. The world doesn't work like that. Now that I am older I see that it shouldn't.

I would have to leave my comfort zone and I was comfortable being a people pleasing person. Someone who didn't want confrontation. Someone who hated himself so I had no confidence to actually do what what I wanted. I look at the past indifferently. It was some good times and memorable experiences but it wasn't what I wanted so I couldn't get too excited about it .I wanted to be more reckless, more wild take advantage  that I had no responsibilities. Even though I had them pushed on me. But sadly i  can't change the past.

Just now i got to do something to make my mistakes in the past mean something. Because I felt the ways I did before today. I hated myself and sometimes still do. I hate the cycle I have to be in because of the lack of control. Now that I got stoicism I have to remember not to get mad about things I can't control it's pointless at the end of the day. While still have some flaws, I have more of a direction of where I'm going.