Home

I never really had that home feeling. I bounce from place to place so much,especially from parent to parent that I couldn't even establish a home feeling. I remember when I was going to a trade school everyday no would go to my mans crib and he be like "you never wanna go home is there something happens are your being abused" it was an obvious joke but  To me what is home?


I went to 10 schools in 12 years and had 12 houses in 25 years. I never really established a "home" feeling from any of those locations. They just felt like places not a permanent address. So now adays I just go outside to a quiet place and try to find that soliance out there. In a park or a trail, near water ,near a field, anywhere away from people.

My peace came from seclusion. That isolation make me feel so much better when I get stressed. Here is the problem,my whole life was isolation and seclusion.  So even if im not alone like I am now, I'm going to feel alone. I was the only child and when I wasn't, I was the middle child. Noone in my age range  or around me had the wonderlust that I had. Noone wanted to walk with no  destination. I walked feeling misunderstood, lonely and waiting for an adventure.


The thing I wanted was to walk until I found friends and I would have a group of misfits who I can walk with. Bounce ideas off of , do mucic and poetry with , smoke and get in trouble with. Fall in Love 💙 break up 💔with members of the group. I had this idea of walking until I found a group that would accept me and we can share this comradery while growing up in this fucked up and unfair world. I never found such group. I probably could if I didn't beat myself up and had enough confindence to go to Rittenhouse square and basically show my talents.



All of my idols at one point was homeless especially my biggest one basquiat. I would want that, to be on the street where I lay is where I sleep. If not whoever I'm fucking I'm sleeping there and leave in the morning. Just To continue my life of dobouchery and art. I know it sound stupid coming from this privileged kid. However I was looking for something to make me feel whole. Anything give me that feeling that I belong.

I got older eventually i  got my group of other outcast. We came together and I guess I fit in. But in a group like ours, you really can't and even then I still felt like the weird one. I have a bond with everyone in the group on a personal level but it's still not the acceptance I want. Had multiple girlfriends and still didnt fully feel it and when I did I didn't want to accept myself.(I never said I wasn't the problem most times)

Looking back with my connection to art and being accepted goes with not feeling like home. My mom worked alot so she wouldn't .In my view, My older brother got want he wanted, my younger sister got what she's wanted. I didn't ask for much so never received much but I wanted alot. I wanted to express my discontent, my graditude, my thirst for knowledge, my desire for adventure, my love of emotions and everything in between. But that's something you get at home and in my mind.......

I haven't really had one in a while