Anger

My anger is the only thing I haven't conquered. My habit of drinking gone. My habit of smoking black and milds gone. Cigarettes gone. Masturbation gone. Cutting myself gone. But yet anger remains.

I often wonder why I'm angry and why am I quick to anger. I veitmitly believe that emotions can ruin things. Emotion get in the way of logic and reason and make actions more irrational. Yet, I hold on to anger like a child clutching to his favorite toy. The feeling I feel when I'm angry is freedom. A sense of chaotic liberation. It's not a tranquil feelings but a feeling of release a feeling of letting go a feeling of surprisingly righteousness. As if I have the right to be angry no matter what's I'm angry about. The cat won't leave the room I have the right to yell at him. Girlfriend confusing me I have the right to fume at her. Friends and family are not contacting me the way I want them too I have the right to curse them out. You ever felt right about something? It feels good. Feels like no matter what else is going on in my life in this moment of winning is all that matters.It blinded me to the fact that "hey I might be wrong" but It's a dopamine rush.  However it's playing a game that most people not even aware they are playing.

To stop breathe and count to three or ten is not always a tactic that can work for the problem. It's more of trimming the hedges. The anger will rise again and what if you can't stop what if I do something drastic over something so small. Expressing emotions is not wrong. Sometimes it very beneficial but how the emotion should be expressed is where my problem lies. All the habits I named previously came from anger. They was coping mechanisms that I would use to calm myself. Hell they became habits because I was so angry all the time. So I got to the root of the habits but not the root of the problem. Why the fuck am I angry?

Is it my genetics? Possible my dad a pretty angry guy and looking up to him would make me one. My mom also express anger alot as well. Could it be environment? Also possible. We live in a world that tells you to compare your life to others thus giving a sense of you would never be enough which would cause anger. People walking around with no way to change their lives they feel stuck and powerless which can also cause anger. What about me? It is called SELF control so it up to me at the end. True but the way I'm set up and expectations I have on myself as soon as I try to control my anger and fail I get even more angry due to the fact that I got angry. So I'm angry because I'm angry and I'm trying not be angry but I am.

This is why I believe I need a therapist someone to study me and try to understand me. Maybe they can see something I overlooked. But until then I can only keep living my life trying to keep anger at Bay. However if I do that what would be my release?