I haven't found the use of the blog lately. I was thinking I didn't need it. Every once in a while I say the same thing. "I'm ok. I don't need a blog to express myself" but its not so much expression but more on the level of release or venting. As much as I get people to listen to me express myself, it really doesn't matter if no one going to go out their way to listen. For example, I made a slight comment about me losing my smile.
Instead of taking it as maybe, something is wrong, How can we (as a unit of friends) try to help? A close friend said basically I'm always depressed and I should just get over it. As if I like feeling like this. Like I wake up in the morning stretch and say "I'm going to be depressed today." I wish these feelings didn't affect me but they do and they are very real. And coming from someone who also went through depression, its a slap in a face. Because people told him the same thing and I made sure his feelings were valid. I didn't even properly explain why or how I lost my smile.
My lust for life was always art. The biggest example of this is my old blog. I put so much in too that project. Added pictures, telling stories, change word coloring, videos, etc. simple shit but I wanted to express how I was feeling on a grander scale than just "I'm sad". I had creativity flowing through me freely. Lately possibly due to the outbreak or me growing up (or another 3rd option) that lust, that drive, that will to create freely was sucked from me. I started to care more and more about people's opinions of my work than the actual work itself. So when I looked back at the work I had out, I was shocked to find it was ....for lack of a better word. trash. Simple spelling and grammar mistakes, disjointed thoughts, and I definitely saw where I grew as an artist. But I fell off due to life and it seems life always comes in between me and my art. Not moments but people. The same people who if they were a Lil bit more sensitive or understanding of my issue, I wouldn't have the problem of feeling blocked creatively. If they only knew how important this is. They don't see me as an artist, they see me as just an ordinary person when I'm not. Not saying I'm special, just I have a completely different lifestyle from them. but that's too much for them to grasp.
I always pride myself on being able to put myself in someone's shoes and I don't think people understand what that means. It doesn't mean put yourself in the same position. It means to put your way of thinking away to the side and get into theirs based on what you know about them. Their mindset team-up with yours and find a solution. It should only be used when you don't understand the situation, not for everything. You would think that the way people say they know me, they would figure the pressure I am under every day would break me and give me a reason to breakdown. What pressure?
Well for one, I have to take care of a household not alone but as the man and the social ways of thinking and influence, I have to do it because I'm a man. Then being a good friend. People wouldn't see this as pressure because they see it as just pick up the phone and call a friend. Not simple for me. I was a recluse for years and I know how to actively avoid people but that wouldn't be right. Especially if they just want to talk to me and the way people made it seems over the years(you're the only real friend I have ) I have pressure on maintaining this very important relationship. Then its the pressure of being a boyfriend. In a world where good boyfriends are far in between and good people are even further. Me being a good boyfriend is a lot of pressure, especially when your girlfriend is one of those people who don't understand how important your art is and not even a fan of it. Then the pressure to change for the better and being patient with someone whos always changing. Nothing but fucking pressure. Did I mention the job that I feel like I'm slacking in? After all, I have a somewhat perfectionist mentality and need to work hard due to validation. Since I spend the most time there, if I don't work hard there, I feel like I have to work hard somewhere else. But I'm so tired because of work to do anything else. Note all this just pressure without touching the pressure that comes with art. The audience, self-doubt, the hate, the fear all that pressure. Then the lack of money doesn't help. Declining Mental healthy doesn't help. I'm just a ball of pressure, frustration, and intense anger.
Yet everyone just ignores it and acts like it was just something to say. Like I was bored and I needed to make a Lil funny to cheer people up. When this was me telling everyone I'm at my breaking point but did they care?
No.
I was just told to stop being sad. By one person, true, but with no one checking up on me to find out more, it might as well be all of them. I'm disappointed by this. No. I'm hurt by this. So I decided not to care about venting or just getting it out to people. If you want to know how I feel. Check the blog. I'm not going to waste my breath anymore just for it to be brushed under the rug. That way if they cared they would check it out and see it, if not hey it's whatever. This is giving me a defeatist with a great will power mentality. I will continue to work on my art actually I'm going to work harder than I did before. but it's only to pass the time before I die. Oh yeah, I still want to die and it's thoughts that plague me every fucking day. Not just when I have dark moments or bad times. Nope. Almost every moment in the back of my mind I want to die. and I guess that's ok, right? but it doesn't matter, right? because people don't care. If you listen to their problems, you served your purpose. If you do a certain task, you served your purpose. I feel like a god damn robot whos not supposed to have feelings but just serve purposes. This will do nothing but push me to the same self-destructive behavior that I worked so hard to contain. but it doesn't matter if I self destruct because I served my purpose. I'm just here to serve and do nothing else. Write my Lil poems and stories and songs and serve purposes. "You want to feel good? " "coming right up. How about you? are you good? Me oh don't worry I'm just indulging in all the vices I can so my heart can give out and my wish of dying can be fulfilled but enough about me. How about you? are you ok?"
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