Back again.....

I haven't been looking at this as personal blog anymore just as a place to complain. Being a way to vent on a digital souse but what i come to realize that i vent about the same thing all the time i literally getting tired of saying the same thing over and over again. I've been wanting someone to understand or be in the same profession or have the same vocation as me but its been a minute before i can feel like that. And in order for me to go on and live my life like everyone else i have to ignore my urges and my passion just to make every happy. Even though art is the thing that make me happy but if i can t find peace or solace in it how can i be happy. The people in my life make me feel like i have to make my work, my craft, my art, my passion into a commodity and it make sense. We live in america where commodity is everything and nothing can be done without currency and being broke and living for too long. I've tried so hard to get a job and work them and try to make a passion out of them or try to get a new passion thats more marketable then my subjective based one but nothing seems to stick as much as the writing.

Writing. Jeez. Its so broad and i have to make it that way just so i wont have to keep saying why i love each one. My poetry is favorite right now it combines the melody and rhythm of music and the story structure of writing stories. Its the perfect the middle ground of the two. Music or rapping is all emotion. Its logical at time something to get the brain working but if you can FEEL the beat you can make alot from it. Hense why alot of people make it with no apparent talent. They felt the beat they know how to make it bleed through the speakers. With no word just a flow. Where writing for me is more technical and more of a practice to be good. Like music everyone think it can be picked up and not crafted on and every think they can do it correctly when that's not true. It takes time and work and patience to become good. Its the true meaning of a craft you can bullshit a song like i said just feel it but you cant bullshit a book. Making music is also by committee its a group project.  You need a producer a engineer, a manager,  maybe a hype man for shows. It not uncommon to see a rapper with a bunch of people with him. A writer is alone hense the stereotype of writers. They are perceived as introvert pushing their thoughts out with their pen and rapper are extrovert pushing their thoughts out with the voice. Poetry sits on the border of both.

After awhile it gets sicking to be alone with these with nooone to ask what i get into because they dotn have a craft or vocation they passionate about. And if they do they just want to talk about them. I haven't heard anyone say" so what have you been working on ?" or " do you have anything new ?" I am not an artist because it sounds nice or because its a quirk i can get clout from. Its something i live. Its kinda how people feel about gay people. Saying that they only do it because its popular or its quirky. But these people have a life they have to live and struggle they must overcome. Its not all gay sex  this or gay sex that its literally a lifestyle. And imagine if they dont know any other gay people and they have to just have these emotions alone and have noone to vent to this is the same thing im going through. Thats probably why i defend them besides the fact they are human being they are just struggling in silence.

This is not my biggest problem but its a pretty big one. Art is how i express myself and i cant do that freely. I always have to assume another persona to just get through the day, weeks , months, years. And it gets tiring after a while and now its one of these times. Its no battery in my back just me.........suffering in silence.