Back in the cocoon ? (Back in the cocoon)

I cant do it any more i need to accept the way things are in a terrible  person. I tried to change i really but i cant grasp that simple consept. I have love for people but i cant show or display what i feel. Everyone keep saying oh i cant believe what you say. Like my words are worthless fuck that my words the only thing i have in the long run. But it doesnt matter people say forrever n i believe it forever dont last that short tho. N on the hand not playing the victim i know exactly  people feel the way they do . I say things in i have to put it in action  i try forreal i do. Its not like im oblivious  to the fact of my wring doing. Its just  i know it would take me sone time to get to the that habit of things. N heres the confusing part when i act off emotions its wrong when i don't  its wrong damned if i do n damned if i dont i dont know how to love i have love n want  love but im not 100% sure n no woman going to teach me "you grown you better learn " the only thong i keep saying in the past realtionship  its :im wrong n i try
Thats all i can do
So im going to live in my shell its so o dont get hurt n so noone else gets  hurt
(Your welcome )

The moment of clearity

I see how life works (and of course we would be high to come with a simple thing that have been plaguing us lately) even though we knew this already (yup) i took a personality test and it said im more sensing then feeling i said true and my friend took the same test and it said hes more thinging so it seems like he have his life together  which  is something i admire (we admire alot of people ) and they dont even know (the internet) but anyway i saw it as im weak i show my emotions too much. im so much a slave to my emotions  thats i don't  even realize my true thoughts.  its like that phrase if you think it  you do it. So if my emotions are clouding my true thoughts then im just doing what feel that's  dangerous  due to the fact that feelings change.(alot) i saw it as a flaw "i care too much and get hurt". Then i thought my  actions didnt really stay  consistent . Thats why women dont usually  believe  everything  i say because even though its true emotions there have to be thoughts to control the body correctly to follow through with a plan.Im very hopeful things will go well until im proven wrong. Then i thought emotions was why i was different because everyone is set out to be smart and not kind i used to think if you smart you haveto be heartless(i think you discussed this before ) i think i did too (yea we cant get high and try to write a blog)i mean we can but just cant travel and do it right ? (finish it )oh ok well simply put , put emotion behind your action to do with passion but think about what that action is and follow through with it a passion

LeavingLoveLikeLostLife

I was going to end it at 3  but im numb mainly because of an issue. Lately I have been called an whore when I wasn't haven't sex this whole year and only talked to two people for real and it only fucks me because I used to be. so its like my past is catching up to my ass(Song lyrics) and so its like im not getting credit for being "good" guy. n I asked a lot of females and all of them think the same thing. the damage and trust issues on them is real. a lot of females think a man have multiple women when they be chillin. im starting to believe that im not going to find the correct woman for me im sadly starting not care

LikeLoveLostLife

So this would probably be the last part of this trilogy ok so love and like are different and can be treated the same way. i think i mentioned it before that i love love im a serial monogamist i love to be alone (now) but i still like having a person special for me n lately its been friends and i don't treat them correctly due to the fact that i really like being alone im working on breaking out that habit but its hard. but in all honesty i hold back because i feel like noone is really that interested in me enough for me to give them my full attention and since Harley kinda spoiled me with that i need someone on that level and ever since i been holding back im not put my self out there i rather put it on my blog or my art than in someone else hands i dont want them to have that much control (is that it) i believe so. (are you sure) not really but its enough for now

LikeLoveLife

Ever since i me and my girl of 2years (no name yet) yeah Harley  quinn (why)because  my love made her crazy (make sense continue) well i learned how to be alone its now easy however its well... lonely  i dont want to come home and have no one in my corner i want soneone to tell me its ok beause i got them lets get lost lets fall in love. My love is really for a long term relationship  not really for a one n done thats probably  why i really  cant do that i like haveing emotions  connected to the physical  part of love. N i love being in love but now i dont have to be . I can be alone i just choose not be.  So anyone i talk to in the future have to understand i need two things. One to be completely  wanted want  me because you want me not  because of my quality  because someone who have better qualities  might come along . Love me with my flaws.two appreciate  the  fact im giving you attention  especially  since im back into my art and work i can easily  block people out so if i actually  give you attention  or at least attempts  work with me. I was reclusive  for so long so its take some time to get  over that. I can do it if in 6months i learned self love now i want to give my love to someone but trust  i want  beg you to take it . (I guess i do have a influence  on you) yea we slowly merging (ihave no problem  with thaf we been beefing for so long that i actually refreshed by this) yea you changed too (i know)

LikeLife (conversation )

That other l word is dangerous  (lesbian?) No love n you're  back?(for the time being ) ok well  no i meant love (oh) yea one thing i noticed we really really want that (yup) and thats not  bad (let me take over , our desire yo be in love is ultimately  our downfall now that i take control of the wheel more often i push emotions out the window  with girls even though  you can be highly "in love" i make sure you dont do anything stupid like show your emotion so it wont be used as a weekness) well wow thanks thats why ive been getting cold (yes) i dont know if thats exactly  what i want  (but it is what you need )

Rule of 33

I know I promised a continueation of the god complex theory just let me get this out the way. While watching my hero acardia (plus ultra) I realized that I my potenal has never been reach I have short burst of increadilble will power and I use it up I burn out n back to being depressed based on the 33 theory I thought of (I heard of another I didn't see it yet tho) I cant do that unless I have a good amount of focus and my focus work by 33 when I believe im motivated most times its 33 percent its wasn't until I left trinity did I see and understand I can be pushed to 66 % because I focused a lot on her instead now within that time(less then a year ) I got my permit ,got over a decade long depression had two jobs from none and working on other art forms such as photography and story telling. im not disclosing all of this information to brag but just to show that this is easily done and as you can see by my old blog inside the cocoon I was feeling pretty worthless but I always felt I had more potential then I give myself credit for. so now with this understanding of 33 I know my next step is 99 but I don't know how to get there yet except push through  heres why I believe this theory in the first place. All my life I skated by life I got lazy and got to be used to being mediocre. All the work given to me was too easy that probably  explain why i have multiple  intrest. I get bored easily if its no challenge. So with things in my life i might sabotage it. Its  just now u have use my focus motivation and will power  to power through to my 100%

god complex part 1

I don't really try to stress on things im working on my art in anyway I could. this is really becoming a fire like how much I love art the beauty of an object or an idea under a magnify glass we look at everything so from our own  pov  only and to see it from another pov is actually rare and hard to do. but i can see why people would say the world is beautiful. beauty is not only appealing to the eye but to senses smell taste hearing touch and the sixth sense, perception. To not sound as pretentious but i think i will come off as such anyway but i think god is an artist. everything on the earth can be an art form of such and look at all the beauty in the world gotta be a artist to do that maybe that's just my god complex kicking off again (one of the perks of being a Gemini) so yes i do think artists are gods favorite i used to think god is chemist now i think the art of science would be in chemistry but when it comes to god i have a theory

No k"new" friends hedonism Flow

I have no connection with none of my friends. Well let me reword I have less a conncetion with some of my friend when I figured out who I was I just realized when its a group of us we don't vibe right I mean we laugh but its about it I don't want to just do that anymore I want to elevate with someone art wise spiritually mentally but I cant with certain people so like a lot of people I just don't fit in and that's ok ill just be by myself more often and when I get too stuck in my head where no one can reach me that would be their fault n quite frankly I really don't care because its my life n I will never put anyone before me ever again


EVER AGAIN

Lonely

I dont know what to feel i love to be alone but when i get around others i laugh and try to be social but then i get ready to be alone again then when im alone i want company  i think i want a certain type of company maybe a hug or a kiss some love some feeling some  appreciation  but i guess it wont be given to me im slowly becomeing more into the cocoon only caring about making my self better




I WANT LOVE😔😔😔😔



No i want to leave .....

No i want new friends......
No i need  to be emotionless.......
No i need to leave

sasori

I feel I am a puppet like empty for some reason I don't really like this feeling like its a mixture I feel sad for some reason then again its not sadness Ill say lonely I can be alone I actually like being alone but its sad I hate when this weather hits because most times I wont have people to chill


emptiness
this carcass I resides in
gives me pleasure and pain
but its not who I really am its just fin
like shark at a distance being disgused by rain
can you see the truth or do you not want to
judge me by apprearce and get mistaken
darkness is the tentent in this shell who?
would ever leave me shaken
im black as my soul
I was made first so no god given
I have no control
so im done with living




Im not committing suicide im just accepting death and waiting for it
why should I love love if love don't love me