Last day ...again

What people dont really understand i dont fear death fuck it i want it this is not a suicidal post just something to say if people dont qant to be in my life ive been down alome i will rise the same another thing i was thinking we are all creators  and destroyers just because you create dont meak everything you create is gonna be perfect and everything you destroy is gonna be needed to be destroyed just somethi g to think about

Bf material

When I was younger my biggest  flaw was that I was husband  material  and no body wanted a husband  so why is it that i get older and now only a side nigga for a lot of people they want the sex or the emotions or the affection  but they don't want me fully they dont understand  how this affects me i feel like me being me pushes  them and thats fucked up because  im a pretty good person for the most just noone wants to claim i would claim myself n say i dont need anyone but right now im weak and vaulnerbable and who wouldn't want to have a person to love in their Corner i want that .....i want it badly 😔😔😔

Realizations

I'm gonna be an angry person
I'm not over my grandfather's death ill go in to details about  bothb

I have so much to say but they don't keepme logged in

As watching love Jones my favorite movie I think about Hinata and Harley quinn I really don't like Harley for some reason lately she's been on my mind I hate that fact I thought it was over I was done with her and I moved on I really don't want that Hinata on the other. Hand is on a different level I want the best for her even if its not with me I hope it could be but I'm not going to rush it I like being single I love being alone I think that's why me and the minion didn't work out because she wanted a lot of my time and my time I'm very selfish with . For the simple fact I wasted so much of it on other people wants and desires and I need to focus on me I have bounced from relationships for years ever since I started dating n I feel like I need to put that same attention on me.i don't know what tomorrow might bring so for now I'm detached from everything and everyone I can die and be happy and I can live and be happy I really don't have a real feeling because I know pain will come n order to deal with pain is to not run or just face it head on but stand your ground and keep pushing.i wrote a lil manifesto

There is no peace no hope only thing  that  remains is pain. You squabble  over frivolous  things such as money, respect  and power. I on the hand live for peace. However being demonized over and over again gets to be a toll on my soul that i can no longer withstand. I accept it. I am  a demon, i am satan. I no longer want happiness or even hatred. All i want is a  place where i can live in harmony. Even so humans will not see my vision of this perfect world. They will Continue to lie, cheat and cause destruction  to everyone  who dare to cross their  path. Humans are  a cancer that need to be eradicate in  order  them and this world be free. For months I've  walked the line of balance that resides in most people and during  my journey  i only felt pain. So i made the conclusion life is not love. Life is only pain.

As you can see someone have upset I don't like being upset so I let them go I will find happiness one day if I'm dead or alive that's up to the universe to decide

Ever since ive started meditating  due to hinata  (so you going with that name ) yeah  it fits but ive been seeing how i much im child at heart its a power of youth people ignore. Children are worry free carefree and carefree they not like us adults we get consumed by fear we scared   continue y/n

Back in the cocoon ? (Back in the cocoon)

I cant do it any more i need to accept the way things are in a terrible  person. I tried to change i really but i cant grasp that simple consept. I have love for people but i cant show or display what i feel. Everyone keep saying oh i cant believe what you say. Like my words are worthless fuck that my words the only thing i have in the long run. But it doesnt matter people say forrever n i believe it forever dont last that short tho. N on the hand not playing the victim i know exactly  people feel the way they do . I say things in i have to put it in action  i try forreal i do. Its not like im oblivious  to the fact of my wring doing. Its just  i know it would take me sone time to get to the that habit of things. N heres the confusing part when i act off emotions its wrong when i don't  its wrong damned if i do n damned if i dont i dont know how to love i have love n want  love but im not 100% sure n no woman going to teach me "you grown you better learn " the only thong i keep saying in the past realtionship  its :im wrong n i try
Thats all i can do
So im going to live in my shell its so o dont get hurt n so noone else gets  hurt
(Your welcome )

The moment of clearity

I see how life works (and of course we would be high to come with a simple thing that have been plaguing us lately) even though we knew this already (yup) i took a personality test and it said im more sensing then feeling i said true and my friend took the same test and it said hes more thinging so it seems like he have his life together  which  is something i admire (we admire alot of people ) and they dont even know (the internet) but anyway i saw it as im weak i show my emotions too much. im so much a slave to my emotions  thats i don't  even realize my true thoughts.  its like that phrase if you think it  you do it. So if my emotions are clouding my true thoughts then im just doing what feel that's  dangerous  due to the fact that feelings change.(alot) i saw it as a flaw "i care too much and get hurt". Then i thought my  actions didnt really stay  consistent . Thats why women dont usually  believe  everything  i say because even though its true emotions there have to be thoughts to control the body correctly to follow through with a plan.Im very hopeful things will go well until im proven wrong. Then i thought emotions was why i was different because everyone is set out to be smart and not kind i used to think if you smart you haveto be heartless(i think you discussed this before ) i think i did too (yea we cant get high and try to write a blog)i mean we can but just cant travel and do it right ? (finish it )oh ok well simply put , put emotion behind your action to do with passion but think about what that action is and follow through with it a passion

LeavingLoveLikeLostLife

I was going to end it at 3  but im numb mainly because of an issue. Lately I have been called an whore when I wasn't haven't sex this whole year and only talked to two people for real and it only fucks me because I used to be. so its like my past is catching up to my ass(Song lyrics) and so its like im not getting credit for being "good" guy. n I asked a lot of females and all of them think the same thing. the damage and trust issues on them is real. a lot of females think a man have multiple women when they be chillin. im starting to believe that im not going to find the correct woman for me im sadly starting not care

LikeLoveLostLife

So this would probably be the last part of this trilogy ok so love and like are different and can be treated the same way. i think i mentioned it before that i love love im a serial monogamist i love to be alone (now) but i still like having a person special for me n lately its been friends and i don't treat them correctly due to the fact that i really like being alone im working on breaking out that habit but its hard. but in all honesty i hold back because i feel like noone is really that interested in me enough for me to give them my full attention and since Harley kinda spoiled me with that i need someone on that level and ever since i been holding back im not put my self out there i rather put it on my blog or my art than in someone else hands i dont want them to have that much control (is that it) i believe so. (are you sure) not really but its enough for now

LikeLoveLife

Ever since i me and my girl of 2years (no name yet) yeah Harley  quinn (why)because  my love made her crazy (make sense continue) well i learned how to be alone its now easy however its well... lonely  i dont want to come home and have no one in my corner i want soneone to tell me its ok beause i got them lets get lost lets fall in love. My love is really for a long term relationship  not really for a one n done thats probably  why i really  cant do that i like haveing emotions  connected to the physical  part of love. N i love being in love but now i dont have to be . I can be alone i just choose not be.  So anyone i talk to in the future have to understand i need two things. One to be completely  wanted want  me because you want me not  because of my quality  because someone who have better qualities  might come along . Love me with my flaws.two appreciate  the  fact im giving you attention  especially  since im back into my art and work i can easily  block people out so if i actually  give you attention  or at least attempts  work with me. I was reclusive  for so long so its take some time to get  over that. I can do it if in 6months i learned self love now i want to give my love to someone but trust  i want  beg you to take it . (I guess i do have a influence  on you) yea we slowly merging (ihave no problem  with thaf we been beefing for so long that i actually refreshed by this) yea you changed too (i know)

LikeLife (conversation )

That other l word is dangerous  (lesbian?) No love n you're  back?(for the time being ) ok well  no i meant love (oh) yea one thing i noticed we really really want that (yup) and thats not  bad (let me take over , our desire yo be in love is ultimately  our downfall now that i take control of the wheel more often i push emotions out the window  with girls even though  you can be highly "in love" i make sure you dont do anything stupid like show your emotion so it wont be used as a weekness) well wow thanks thats why ive been getting cold (yes) i dont know if thats exactly  what i want  (but it is what you need )