Reconstruction

To actually build yourself from the ground up....again is difficult. After years of using .........cutting as a copping mechanism then it switch to sex then drugs n alcohol its like depression just made me self destructive. Mainly because i was i didn't have a goal but to die as soon as possible. For years.......10 + years dig if you will this picture waking up n not really caring if you live that day. Actually before the day is over you hope that you die or at least die in your sleep n when you wake up you mad at god for being alive.........i had a beef with god for keeping me alive and waking me up.

That's why now me at 25 , trying to move past that i don't have a clue of what I'm doing. im just doing what i did in the past, whatever made me feel good. Its a hedonist mindset but it on the only one o know . looking back tho i dont think i struggle besides the other things like depression n shit. my struggle was never external n i think now is my time to go through both internal and external and be this functional human like i mentioned before.

(I was thinking. When im at my peak level of happiness i get silly and well.......chilidish. Which i see as two options. One because i was depressed and down for so long i never could be a child so this is me living it out. Two im just a natually childish silly person. I hope its the second i like the feeling that i can be childish at heart ) and mature in the mind { and old in the s o ul} 

Past

(Present)

{Future}

If we can balance it out we would be unstoppable.

(Its the if that makes it the problem)

"Jesus was flipping tables"

He was angry and disappointed at the blatant disrespect and ignorance that was plaguing the people at the time. The funny thing is its happening again. Sometimes you get tired of fighting. You get tired of being different. Its just when you know so much about the world n you see it crumble before your eyes. You just want to scream"THIS COULD HAVE BEEN AVOIDED IF YOU LISTEN". However, you go ignored. While reading about my own personal life path number (its number 9 btw If you curious about your life number click here  ) it brought the fact that im an humanitarian. Now this is not the first or the only thing that labeled me this. As a child, i had an affinity for homeless people. For some reason i just wanted to give them the food that i had. Now does this make mother theresa? no of course not, but i have this feeling deep inside that just screamed to do something to help the world the society. This was before i got into numerology , astrology and other types of mystical spirtual science. I see this America getting into a martial law due to race riots. Whites are tired of being the bad guys and blacks are tired of being the victims. Meanwhile over seas the debt that america have to other nations is soon going to supersedes the fear that they have over nations. And it dont take rocket science to understand the fragility of power built on fear it will easily fall. Theres going to come a time where things will be different and people will learn to adapt to it. They should fight it but the public loves to be ignorant so they can easily be pacified. I was always told i can see the bigger picture but its not up to me to see............................. its up to them

I feel like flipping tables.

Black cloud

I swear i have the worst luck. It also been like that. Thats why i don't plan shit. It. 👏Never👏. Goes 👏.the 👏.way i planned As much i want it too. I dont know if its just the retrograde so its working against me. But when i want sonething i have to kinda do the opposite and show interest in the opposite in order for things to be way i plan. Then when i get the hang of it , it switch it n it just seem crazy to do shit backwards. ( i guess its time to focus) im tired of losing focus ( its the stress you accumulate through the week) understandable but at the same time.......life man. I dont want to complain ( i know. When we woke up we wanted to find things to be grateful for.) Yea to try to be positive but its just the fact that things shouldn't be this way.....but thats complaining.( i dont think its complaining as much as it is getting off your chest) yea..... In your songs you talk about being free alot ( yea me n jimi want that) i don't want to be free i just want to be comfortable............({ but how can you be comfortable if you are not free})
After talking about a lil of what i know about the world i wish i took the blue pill.

Smile .......its the holidays

Whatever.

Negative Phrases i hear

You're a failure
Did you see that mistake you made??!!
This is completely your fault!
I hate you!
You are only tolerated not cared about!
Oh do it! Do it !
Why would you do that!?
That's fucked up!
And its all you're fault!!!!
You're forgotten about!!!!!
 you easily replaceable!!!
Youre friends think you don't fuck with them!
Wheres you're ambition?!
That's too much ambition!
Kill yourself!!!
No one will miss you!!!
Kill every one else !
They the ones with the problem
Go!!
Stop!!
You Are waste of life!!!!
No you're not
You going to fail!!
Not if i work hard
You cause more trouble than you are worth!!
One day imma be something

{I did this to show the struggle of what's we going through this is only a small fracture of what i really go through but im fighting. i really am fighting everyday to break a 13 year cycle. Habits after a few months are hard to break imagine years of life habits. But its going to be done speak it into existence i feel like tearing up because this the first post that accurately and clearly just show how it is. Its a living nightmare to have antagonizing thoughts. And the positives fights back its small but a fight.
Some people want to be loved
Everyone just want to be understood.}

Miles ahead of Mozart

Weeping in
Blue

Different eras. Same feelings

{Wasted} (potential)

Ok yall pity party is over can we get up n do something
(Do what? Right now whats going to help?)
{Whats going to be worthwhile?}
Anything you just cant start on top not how it works you gotta work for it
(You would know about working)
What do you mean???
(So you forgot what you did)
Yea you need to meditate
(So remember your version of mediation)
......let it go it's in the past why you bring it up?
(Why not? it made it us feel good)
Why?Im NOT GOING back
(Sooner or later you will)
{Why you trying to to get him to go back}
(Because its satisfying)
{Are you the reason why we stagnant now }
Hes self destructive again
(I dont see a point of surviving)
....jett......
(Im not a good person)
Who is honestly?
(I dont want to keep playing this charade)
{You dont want to fail}
Right you dont even want to play
(I just dont see a point )
{You really let that affect you huh }
( ill just repress it again)
I dont think thats healthy
(Maybe not but it works. So im gonna need you to close up for a min)
I cant do that too many people need me to be open
(Are they going to be there for you when you self destruct or are they going to leave again????)
...............
(Exactly how about you art boy anything to add or are you just going to remain silent)
{You have to control you anger and learn from your pain}
(Easier said than done . i dont feel .........ok)
{And thats ok}
( for me you know thats far from the truth)
{Pick your self up }
(Will do. when mr emotional close up)
.......ill try jimi supposed to take the wheel
{When one of us is not ok we all fucked up this is a team effort }
.........tell him to stop antaginizing and ill close enough
(.......i guess ......)
{If we work together we can get through this yall }

She bought him flowers

So i will just use pictures.

Alchemist creed

{The philosopher stone is gratitude}
Are you sure
{Quite positive}
(Did you "discover " this?)
{Sadly no , but its doesnt take away from the truth. Gratitude is the quality of being thankful, readiness to show appreciation for and to return kindness. If that dont sound like something that each individual needs idk what will. Its explained better in the creed and i will hyperlink the page where i got it from. Its really something to think about.}

 The alchemist creed of gratitude

"I begin each morning by giving thanks for ten things in my life, pondering what my life would be without each. 

I take nothing for granted. I marvel at common miracles: the newborn baby, the growing seed, every beat of my heart. 

Whenever I feel angry, frustrated, or discouraged, I count my blessings until I feel peace and joy. 

When life does not meet my expectations, I thank God for the privilege of growth and find the opportunities that lie hidden within disappointments. 

When faced with trials, I remember that, as gold is extracted from ore through fire, it is only through trials that I am purified. 

When I see people struggling and in pain, I thank God for my own struggles, which have given me eyes to see and increased my desire and capacity to uplift others. My conscious, persistent gratitude is the catalyst for compassionate service, and the fruit of service is joy. I will be ever mindful of the needs of others, and I will be joyful."


To who ever reading this i am grateful you are in my life ✌n much 💘 to ya

Frustration focus

During the time at work i took my time to learn what i hope to be the final lesson at that job. A lesson i can hopefully use later on in life. All before i used my anger as a way to focus energy. There was times when i was in the cold walking long distances in the cold. That anger i had to be placed in this uncomfortable predicament i used as adrenaline. Ive done this a bunch of times before. Now at the tender age of 25 for some reason my anger is deemed too much......(what gives them that idea ) i dont know but im starting to agree(of course you do) after trying to keep a tight lip to win a bet.....which i lost ,i noticed that i do have self control......when im competing. (Which is the overall point of rap ) yes why is this being bought up? (it seems like you trying to do away with anger) no we need that to survive out here. Im just bring up the fact that instead of anger i propose its a different emotion. I feel it's not much of anger but frustration.

Not to long ago we complained that something was off, that we feel trapped by the mundane and dull life that we was living. That could be and most likely the results of not doing what we supposed. For years we had the luxury to not work as hard as we needed too. every grade, every project ,every thing we started we never gave our 100 percent. This not only birthed an ego but untapped potential. Looking back a catch phrase for me was "i can do my self" or "i could do it if i really want to". The thing is i truly did not want to. I gave no fucks at all. Being wild ,young and reckless was freeing but was able to be sustained due to the suicidal nature that was me. I had plans to not even make it this far but yet here i am. With that said its like telling a child in a blink of a eye to" grow up". Thats no easy task. I want to use my money to buy a ps4 and play games but i cant because i have to pay bills. I want to use my free time to hang with my friends but i cant because i have to go to work. I want to use my energy in the best way possible but i cant because im lazy. That last one can be fixed however which brings me to the point of this post. If i can use my anger and make energy i should be able to do it to my frustrations. I have alot of goals and i am a perfectionist so im going to frustrated alot. Hopefully with discipline (something we lack ) -{...but can gain} structure and self control we can actually be a full functional adult. 

Why is the  word "adult" like poison to you

( it used to be like that for you tooo....but the older we get the more to uncover and think about ....marriage ....kids......college funds.....debt.......the more older you become the more you realize its not about you )

{Its never was forreal}

( it was at a time ....but thats slowly going away soon we going to just be ............irrelevant a has been or a never was)

More of a reason to work hard so we not. Trust you have people around you . good people ..kinda unstable but people who love and care about you your relevent to them.

(......but i dont want it. That makes me feel like a burden. I dont deserve it. Its so much i did. It would be just a waste of time. )

....

{What about the dancer?}

(What about her?)

-{is she perfect? }

(No)

And yet you care for her.... Why?

(Shes......different way more positive than me)

I thought you said the world needs balance if they need balance why dont you live by it.

{Transmute the negativity n send out positive but you still need the negative }

( ......)

Look at it like this we still here so somehow it have to be a reason. You feel it deep down you are here for something greater than what you can imagine. The only problem is you cant see past what you are and who you was. You're frustrated and thats ok. But you have to try another tatic.

(......I hate life) 

{Fortunately it's not there to be loved is there to be lived.}