Deeper into my mind

I always treated my blogs as a diary. I dont deny the fact that when things get hard i run to this. Its the only thing i can control. Like if i want this next line to be crossed in a representation of a line i dont want attention to be given to as a mistake but it was a thought.......i can do that.
If i want to change the color of the words i can do so shit i can even change the background 


Its the sense of freedom and control that i love and its a release of things. Funny when i first started blogging i did because ny favorite artist did it. But i started to use it as TRIGGER WARNING a long suicide note. Something that can be found that told all the feelings that i dont tell people. It wasnt a doubt in my mind that i was going to off my self at 21 on my birthday.....i survived the attempt. Then i tried christmas......another failed attempt. My last promise i made was for last year at 25. In my mind a pivotal age where things need to be in order for the future. I was going to try on my birthday and i was close  however i have too many people who actually cared on my birthday around me. Next was christmas but by this time ,my heart was stolen and when i feel that type of love im unable to do really anything. So here i am, 4 months from my 26th birthday and not one thing changed. I have more people in my life which would make suicide a lot harder to pull off. I might be more healthier as i stated before but anything else i dont feel. I still fell like a black sheep except when im with my heart. Which is why i love her so much. But even with her i cant even show her everything. Which in lies my problems with humans.....and probably why i would always vent more to paper,music or to a blog.....

Humans have their own problems and issues that they have to deal with.......

And i most times i love them too much to just dump everything on them. i rather either let it eat it up inside until it explode but even now......im older exploding is looked down upon.....im suppose to have control. So i vent to other sources. Hense why music and all the other shit is so fun i can be creative and free but here come reality reminding me i cant be free since i live in this society. You need money ,money comes with a demand, demand comes with popularity, popularity comes with self exposure and being introspective is not really being looked for. Well because they scared to look deep in their selves. And why not.......they have been traumatized and dont wish to look at it again "its in the past " or "its can be ajoke so i dont have to cry" its understood. Then they listen to their favorite artist talk about something they wish they can do. So they get lost in their fantasies. Just.......like......me. 

See im not that different.

"I see both sides like chanel" Frank ocean

I dont mind being an outcast it s the fact its treated bad when my mind is not here im not here because like everyone else i dont want to deal or even think about shit........but you smart so you have too......because YOU know better .... And that means you have something to say because you're special and things is supposed to change.

 "Please smile "

"Please"

I guess the fact that im human not supposed to kick in because it does. To hold everything and not to express anything that much is difficult. Because im a man who need to have control over his emotions and actions. These are social constructs true, but its  hard to not believe this if only for a lil while when you breaking inside and it shows but no one else does. WHY IS NOONE CRACKING UNDER PRESSURE WHY IS IT ONLY ME????? 

Which is why i hate my sensitivity.  Things affect me because its so easy for me to pick up on things. This makes attacks that other people can either dip or dodge or even ignore. But me, my weak ass dont have that luxury. I just have take everything that comes my way and just bounce back not really able to block.

So i ponder is this what my life have become ??

A series of hits that i bounce back from so when something big do happen ill be too numb to even care??? Issues i should be breaking down about i repress where as the simplest thing im crumbling slowly over. I guess pressure is pressure if you can feel it or not.