Cutting

I really thought i was getting better.....im just getting worse its 8 oclock in the morning my girlfriend is right next to me sleep n i feel like cutting myself. If anyone would ask me i would say idk started smoking cigarettes again i havent really been sleeping im still unemployed im losing dedication. I dont think people really understand when i say i had no goal but to die because we all have too i was serious . why in feeling like i should be happy but i feel like crying like nothing is that bad and other people have it worst. Why do i feel like crying?? Like i want too wake up my girlfriend and just idk m a n i really hope its because im sleep deprived