Im my own damn fan

Im writing this out of defiance. With the rebelious sprit that only the child rebel solders can possess. I give up hope on alot of things. You can see it on my numerous post before . i must be running out of problems now they are starting to repeat myself. But its habits  i guess i can try to move past it.
Its one thing that sneaks in my ear every now and again and it is that feeling that a way out is better than the confinement that life sometimes put you in. Then im slowly realizing its not life its society. I have a lust for life but still believe im better off dead. That escape for me is what holds me back. I dont think im worthy for a life of glamour or happiness or even freedom. Now it can be said that i dont deserve since i dont work  for it i have a talent for writing and music  but dont promote myself due to my reclusive and sometimes pushing nature. I also dont feel worthy because as said before i wasnt supposed to be here. Im supposed to be dead and as i said above thats a escape that i craved for a years. So to actually plan my life for long term is pretty new granted its easy enough but a new experience.


My biggest thing is support i seek support from alot of people but myself due to the reasons i listed. I beat myself down for so long i was litterally my own worst enemy for so long that me standing on my own two feet is actually a struggle. That will power to keep going to have tunnel vision, not get discouraged is the only thing standing in my way. And if i can beat myself down i should be able to build myself . but that is the most difficult thing to do around people who let life beat them down and society beat them down so when they see someone else they do the same and beat them down. im in an elimination chamber and im waiting just to fight life society naysayers my demons and myself. I gotta fight alone and cheer myself on alone tell myself to get up alone. The only thing i fear now is

.......will i win? .... Will i survive ???