i need a drink

The stress that overwhelmed me today was uncanny and nothing i have expeiacne in a very long time. I have been up rooted from my comfortable situation due to my own wrong doings and shortcomings. The crazy part my intuition told me this would happen and i didn't listen

"you never do "

this is not the point but its true. I get told of things for my own benefit and get lazy when it comes to doing the advice. I always say intuition is god trying to tell you something if you ignore him long enough he would force you out the situation. Not every good bye is negative . Something you need to cut off in order to grow. and that's what I'm using this time apart from my significant other for .....growth.


Now i can i end it right there with a positive message but I'm sorry i don't feel positive.




I feel hurt disappointed angry sad relieved stressed anxious and many more emotions i don't have names for. Most of all i feel weak. I feel like i failed myself. i lost control of something i could have easily gained control of but instead i play aright trying to be strong taking on things when i didn't have the strength to do just trying to work on will power alone. i figured if i keep working things will change faster. It don't work like that but i hated where i was at i wanted more i got greedy. i always want more because i feel like i always had less or nothing so i finally wanted fruits of my labor. and when i seen them i wanted more. i was always told i can have the world and i wanted it. I WANT THE DAMN WORLD.

Now don't get me of course ll share with my circle. what i mean by that is if i work hard for something i want it all for me and that's it. If i write i want to be one of the best writers. If I do music i want to be one of the best. If i do any thing i want to be great. As admirable is it is, its hard and i don't let anyone in to help me because I have a fear of people. Letting people in means being breaking down walls. These walls i put up was to keep people out to save them because i know when i get to a point i can get explosive and things get broken hence why I'm not home anymore. Maybe this way of thinking is selfish but look what it prevented. every time a woman gets close to me they wind up regretting it. They see the good part of me without see my bad and explosive side. The side i try not show. its not their fault  its more of mine.


I need control.



i need to have control.