Maybe I need weed

It helps me break down everything in a clear and concise manner.



You know what my problem is? I don't know how to be patient. My issue with everything for a long time is time. Being too late , rushing to much, not wanting to stay put, not wanting to get comfortable not knowing when to move , over staying my presentace . I just  feel like I'm in a race to get my life done . It's unlike a reincarnation where I would know what's happening it's more like knowing the plot of a movie or a book. But someone still force you to watch it when you just waiting for one part but you gotta watch the boring ones first. That's how I feel I want to go past all of this part of my life to get to the best part. Unfortunately for me the best part is the end. Because keep in mind ,I was obsessed by death. That was all I would surround myself with. I made death in my mind beautiful so I can go peacefully. That way I can imagine other people going peaceful and I won't have to fear it. However it backfired to the point where life don't matter. And I tried to beautify life in the same waybut it didnt work.  It's just by comparison I beautify death too much. To the point that in my head nothing  in life  can measure up to it. And to have it make sense to the cynic in me I had to make life seem worst in comparison.


See this smart and thinking complex is not all that it's cracked up to be



I also fought the fear of being alone. Its just stay to myself and get tired of my own company. But I have no problem being alone. Actually most times I prefer it. I don't feel like I can be expressive or even comfortable with other as much as I can be with myself. The problem come in at when I do get stuck in my own head. I either get self fish or i would mentally torturing myself. See because I know I'm supposed to be doing what I need to do. when I dont, I do what I used to do just mentally. I punish myself for being too laxed and not getting things done. And in order to get things done I need patience. It's hard to have patience because I'm too busy tourturing myself waiting for the end.

You see the shit I deal with


Funny now that I'm sober I'm back to my sensitive pessimistic self. It's actually sad  that a plant can be so effective when it comes to introspection. Now I just want to leave I want to get away from everyone go somewhere new. The only thing in my head now is end it all.



I just want the echoes to stop.