Wednesday, March 20, 2019

its only you

I woke up feeling powerless
i went to sleep feeling powerless as well
I was visited by a financial advisor with my girlfriend and it put a lot of thing in perspective for me
i don't have a long game
i mean i thought i did with the writing and being a musical and until that happens just be a security guard for the time being.
But even that sounds .........not fulfilling
i know jett wants to perform badly and i do too, to be honest
Its just not the time right now i have a short term plan that needs to be worked out before i move forward see i make alot of plans
nothing wrong with its  a contingency
a backup plan if things go wrong
but now it feels like it sucks and all i want to do is not feel lost anymore
i want to do more i feel like what i do is worthwhile but behind the writing its nothing else \
not for me
its like i have to look at my life all over  again
because it wasn't fully thought out im tired of people asking how much money would i like to be making and i come out looking dumb
or people asking me what my goal i look dumb as hell




i realize i always feel mad because i feel powerless and it nothing i can do\

i hate that feeling.

i can take self loatheing
hell i can even take self doubt
while i dont like those feeling


feeling powerless makes me fucking lose it.
i was feeling it for a minute and i almost lost control


.......................sorry my mind wondered off i was thinking of something

if i present stuff like i do talking to you i would be able to present things more frequently

this is meta

For those whos reading and wonder did i lose it? no
But to understand this phenomenon

you must understand i as an only child who was an introvert with and active imagination. thats all i do is imagine i live in a world alil outside of my reality when im alone that's why i must have music or something in my ear. it fuels my imagination ergo my creativity which would add to my happiness. its like i live in a day dream \
\

Living in a daydream\
great title for a blog
                         book
                         album\

So recently i started to use my imagination to work on me
it worked
then i realized that's what i do in the world


thats my gift
its helps me be the main character of my story
a silent observer of the world around without being destroyed by it
Does it mean i wont be understood
yea
but they not supposed to understand
only you are
only you

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