learn by watching

Hello friend

I have two cats
one kitten
one ...teen??.....mature???
......older  cat

Now if you have a cat you know that cats are very playful. Especially with each other. They play fight like alot

What i seen is that the kitten would watch the bigger one and learn how to maneuver around the furniture in the house. Before the older...? mature....?? teen??? cat would hit the kitten run off and the kitten couldn't keep up. It wasn't the energy that stopped him. No ,he have plenty of that its just The older cat was more experienced with the environment.

I don't have an  older cat to look at for guidance. i'm a kitten looking at the world with no way how to get around, under and through the obstacles i see in front of me. Its a crushing feeling that would bring hopelessness and despair. Especially when i have someone sneaking up on me to attack.

However, sometimes you don't need it.
You just need the knowledge that it can be done or ways to do it. As much i look for a teacher, coach,  or sensei i can bow to. Someone i can make proud and they spend their time
with me. When i have to myself. i have to be my own life mentor. Not just the student that  i saw myself as for so long. I do learn from alot of people in my life.  How to do things and how not to do things. I appropriate it all no matter where it come from. I keep saying to myself ( sometimes others) that i know what i'm doing and i just don't want to apply the work or effort. I no longer have that luxury of choice anymore.  I've seen heights that i want to continue seeing and seen lows i wish never to see again.

i said i was a phoenix
i tried to commit suicide
yes
i know
it failed and now i feel more sure and powerful than ever.
Hell i don't have a choice
i was reborn from the ashes
feel my flames

Advice???? From me ??? (Completely spur of the moment)

No longer feel the need to complain
More to vent
Difference?
One having to do with having a a problem with something and repeatedly talking about said issue in the same manner.
The other is bringing up an issue and seeing it from different angles.

Ex: I don't like my weight. I have to go to the gym. I will one I'm planning on it.
:Venting

I don't like my weight. I'm so fat. I need to work out but I can't. I don't have time .: complaining


I feel once reasons arrive why you can't do something complaining comes after. This is just with me of course but I see it with plenty of people.
Stuck in a cycle of dispair and anxiety due to being overwhelmed with problems

If you are legit too busy to do something don't worry about it, you can't control it.
You can only worry about a certain number of things.

However ,if you not ,which most of us aren't, you need to do something about it. I think that's the real reason of anxiety sometimes just getting up and doing.
Because that means a break from the comfort zone .

And that comfort zone

It's hard to escape sometimes. But the mission is to leave.
Here's how I try to leave.

1. Do something new. I mean anything. I love music so I would try to listen to a new album I never heard. You never can run out of music it's new music literally everyday and so much old music and so many genres I can never run out. Doing something new will break your mind from the usual. The brain like the same old patterns it don't have to work that hard. So challenge your brain. See something new. Experience something new. Taste something new. Not only would this make new opportunities for you to grow but it will give you new ideas and perspectives that could lead to the solution to a lot of problems.
2. Stop complaining. Complaining will only make you feel upset that you "can't  " get whatever you want. When you complain to others they would only confirm your mood and keep you stagnant. Vent instead. Get it off your chest but know it's a solution for your problem rather if it's an internal or external issue. Alot of people complain but don't vent they allow that negative energy stay on them and keep them feeling down. So think of complaining as a literal weight on your chest that you shift to feel comfortable. Venting is more of moving that weight off.
3. Whatever you want to do Someone have tried it. If we still  using the weight loss as a example their are plenty of videos on YouTube Instagram Facebook that will cater to that topic. By redirecting your attention to the solution instead of the problem you will be more inclined to do something(and it can be something new  you do for the day ). We have a well of information at our finger tips and we choose not use it properly. 

This can be helpful for growth. Now this is not the only options. I'm just saying what worked for me. And if you looked at this blog you will see the complaining wane and empowerment beginning. It took sometime but I got it.

But that's just my interpretation of the situation

Sn: still haven't seen endgame but I believe this is what she means I love 3stacks too

expressing unchecked

Lately I had to stop smoking for some reason it didn't affect me in ways I thought It would have except made me more easier to focus I guess its benefits of not smoking. If used for numbing I guess its nothing wrong.........wait what am i I saying? it is a problem with that but venting is better I can use it though so I can get a better mood. im down but not in a way that would be normally be associated with being down its more of a neutral feeling. I feel grey


Gray


that's the perfect representation of how I feel right now grey


Just a bland feeling
not happy
not sad
not mad


just bland or meh


I wish I could go into details why but that's for a even more private entry


funny I have so many ways I talk about how I feel but I still feel misunderstood


you want to know why?
I don't tell the full story
its not on purpose its just a lot of things swirling around in my head but when I bring them up its hard to control and actually have a coherent thought




When this mental flaw is brought up im looking stupid




but whatever






I've been having a fascination with phoenixes.  I love the idea of rebirth and death. I feel like I died around 4 years ago and I had been reborn. However at the same time, I feel like I have to die again. I don't feel like myself anymore and im slowly slipping away, losing with each passing  day. I check sometime to see if i'm still here.  I give myself an ego boost  and try to move through out the day but its getting hard to hold on.

sidebar its a guy im sitting next to smell like sweat but its a familiar sweat smell its not bad to me because it bring up memories
memories of my past life




I need to be stoic. It gives me control.  I need to always have my feelings in check. otherwise im going to play the victim and depress myself or im going let my emotions run wild. When that happens i'll end up hurting me or people close to due to an attitude I had previously .
however the drawback is I wont get the full joy of life since expressing these emotions and how expressive and dramictic I am it will run wild. So its expressing it through art and writing and after that speak it out I have a system and I will stick to it its the only thing I can stick to..


Art
Conversation
let it go


I have the biggest fear of reverting back to what I was before because if that was when I was dead that's when I was a zombie and I truly was. and lately I been feeling that fear but with my system imma live and die again


Everyone will see something new when I die again trust me but for now sit back and enjoy the show