learn by watching

Hello friend

I have two cats
one kitten
one ...teen??.....mature???
......older  cat

Now if you have a cat you know that cats are very playful. Especially with each other. They play fight like alot

What i seen is that the kitten would watch the bigger one and learn how to maneuver around the furniture in the house. Before the older...? mature....?? teen??? cat would hit the kitten run off and the kitten couldn't keep up. It wasn't the energy that stopped him. No ,he have plenty of that its just The older cat was more experienced with the environment.

I don't have an  older cat to look at for guidance. i'm a kitten looking at the world with no way how to get around, under and through the obstacles i see in front of me. Its a crushing feeling that would bring hopelessness and despair. Especially when i have someone sneaking up on me to attack.

However, sometimes you don't need it.
You just need the knowledge that it can be done or ways to do it. As much i look for a teacher, coach,  or sensei i can bow to. Someone i can make proud and they spend their time
with me. When i have to myself. i have to be my own life mentor. Not just the student that  i saw myself as for so long. I do learn from alot of people in my life.  How to do things and how not to do things. I appropriate it all no matter where it come from. I keep saying to myself ( sometimes others) that i know what i'm doing and i just don't want to apply the work or effort. I no longer have that luxury of choice anymore.  I've seen heights that i want to continue seeing and seen lows i wish never to see again.

i said i was a phoenix
i tried to commit suicide
yes
i know
it failed and now i feel more sure and powerful than ever.
Hell i don't have a choice
i was reborn from the ashes
feel my flames