Notes from the lost son

At 27, I have the constant need to "be a man".  I feel for so long i've been a child , a boy, so I have no choice to be an adult. Well a man.

A man don't ask for help. A man is not weak. A man should not fall victim to his emotions, Let alone show them. A man must be prideful. 

This is what I was taught to believe. So this forced me to put everything on my back and handle problems on my own. If I don't, I wouldn't be  a man and that's not something that cant be allowed. Ones manhood is something that cant be surrendered or submitted. This made me push god out of my life. I don't want to ask for help from another, let alone a deity that blessed me with all the resources I need to get better. Here's the issue though. If I never ask for help,how can I receive benefits from my resources?










I hada vendetta against god, once,because I was just born and I have to suffer through this by myself and how no one understood. That's when I was a boy now its not so much of a vendetta and more of a .....silent understanding. I dont hate him anymore or even mad but its more of not bothering him with my insignificant problems. This lead me to believe my problems, all of them, no matter how big or small was insignificant. There was a range for me to go off on. That way I could say "see god/jah/ universe ididnt ask you for no help at all. Arent you proud of me!  please be proud of me." Now I see my relationship with my spiritual father mirrors the one  with my earthly father. However while I can talk to my father here on earth and get answer , with the spiritual its not the same. I wont have a response. Its nothing to give me that confirmation that im doing a good job. For a while I felt like I wasn't because I wasn't trying my best and that pushed me to put more pressure on myself. This creates something I hate greatly:a damn cycle.


I push hard to get tired then want to push harder because I took a rest. Now with the knowledge I have to go back to work without receive any type of help I just feel like now I have to make up lost time. But one thing have to change I have to develop a stronger relationship with the spiritual. The one problem is: with manly mindset I have to submit. I have to be in submission in order to see that im not stronger than god or even strong as him. This is a difficult hurdle to overcome. One I was not ready for or even know how to get over








For another time in my life I am lost.