straight from the book

"Recently I brought a book about writing emotions and realized I haven't wrote about my emotions and realized I haven't wrote about my emotions in a while. I didnt't think I needed it. I thought I was fine...…. I wasn't. I started to feel emotionally unstable and  out of control of everything. But why? Why now ? Why so intensely? It even brought back self loathing to the point that they are coming out my mouth instead of staying in my head. Everyday I want to cut myself it doesn't go away its there to stay. I wish it would.

I hate vulnerability or Opening yourself up . I mean, I know the benefits of it. It a very relatability tool when it comes to relationships with people. If one can show they also know of a similar feeling then its easier to deal with. Us as humans feel like our pain is only ours and we are the only ones who deals with these issues. This is wrong, we all feel a certain way and go through similar issues But vulnerability comes with a price. The shield is down and everything can be felt. This is called sensitivity. In 2019 and most likely beyond, sensitivity will be considered weak. I honestly doubt any other ideal will change this in the near future. I, for one, am  tired of this process of lowering my guard for art  just to be  relatable and not being able to pull my guard up in time to survive in the outside world. So I get hurt by the simplest thing because my blinders are down and I take everything personal. I know I'm not suppose to but unfortunately I fail at that department. I hurt myself inside enough, I don't want to be hurt from outside sources as well.

For an example, My stepmom birthday passed and I didn't see nor get her anything for her birthday. This bothers me to the point where I avoided my dad side of the family not out of hatred but out of shame. The thing is her birthday was in October. My mom side is different. I don't interact with them. I don't even like their pictures on Facebook not because I don't like them. I love them, its just I feel ashamed due to the fact of being away for so long. I haven't seen them or talked to them since Christmas of 2018. I've been busy with just being an adult and trying to do it all on my own.

The point I'm making is I stay to myself to not get hurt because I'm too sensitive then I get wrapped up in me. I see the old habits of the past, the habit of being a hermit and being so closed in. So I'm trying to do the opposite and open and try not to become unstable. Its a cycle of using that escape seem small. I'm optimistic and can handle it for now but I can see me having an episode if I give up. I'm not giving up. just constantly hurting."