Holy trinity

I have holes in my shoes hole in my pants and jacket


Get it? "Hole-y trinity"

Yea i dont find that shit funny neither?
Its ironic tho. As much as i want comfort i trained myself for discomfort in essence I'll rather be miserable and think it cant get worse rather that it than be up n watch it comes down. The thing is ive been here before hell I've been worst. The days of black and mild ,skating n outside fucking that i said i long for yea those days i went through worst shit then but i was never up so it never affected me n half the time i was drunk so its not like i cared anyway. Whats even more ironic im not even tripping im oddly tranquil about this situation. I think its because im off so i dont have the feeling that i have to work on my back its a load off of me. And i have something i really need........ Time

Patience is key........i guess

Im my own damn fan

Im writing this out of defiance. With the rebelious sprit that only the child rebel solders can possess. I give up hope on alot of things. You can see it on my numerous post before . i must be running out of problems now they are starting to repeat myself. But its habits  i guess i can try to move past it.
Its one thing that sneaks in my ear every now and again and it is that feeling that a way out is better than the confinement that life sometimes put you in. Then im slowly realizing its not life its society. I have a lust for life but still believe im better off dead. That escape for me is what holds me back. I dont think im worthy for a life of glamour or happiness or even freedom. Now it can be said that i dont deserve since i dont work  for it i have a talent for writing and music  but dont promote myself due to my reclusive and sometimes pushing nature. I also dont feel worthy because as said before i wasnt supposed to be here. Im supposed to be dead and as i said above thats a escape that i craved for a years. So to actually plan my life for long term is pretty new granted its easy enough but a new experience.


My biggest thing is support i seek support from alot of people but myself due to the reasons i listed. I beat myself down for so long i was litterally my own worst enemy for so long that me standing on my own two feet is actually a struggle. That will power to keep going to have tunnel vision, not get discouraged is the only thing standing in my way. And if i can beat myself down i should be able to build myself . but that is the most difficult thing to do around people who let life beat them down and society beat them down so when they see someone else they do the same and beat them down. im in an elimination chamber and im waiting just to fight life society naysayers my demons and myself. I gotta fight alone and cheer myself on alone tell myself to get up alone. The only thing i fear now is

.......will i win? .... Will i survive ???

House not a home

There is an old saying that goes a home is where the heart lives well i feel homeless because of my current residence dont have that quality. Nothing in there can actually make me feel comfortable. Everyone in there have their own agenda. Which is fine but its more of a bunch of roommates rather than my stepmom dad and sister. Its not really what they do its more of what they dont do. Its like a empty shell where people come through. when we do have the chance to stop i seem to be the odd one out just reminding me that they are just the family im the third wheel. The outkast n ifeel like that om the outside i shouldnt have to feel that way in my own house. After i stayed in a place where love flows n things get done but that house is sooo .......tired . Exhausted. I dont blame them for that but it just makes me feell..........

Isolated

Beware the .......of march

Now i know the quote is supposed to represent betrayal n i feel like that fits forreal . March is a big birthday month for me a lot of. Important people birthday is this month so it would be only fitting being the person that i am to accommodate for it.

...........i couldnt

And to be honest it wasnt my fault with money issues and psychological  dramas i failed. I dropped the ball. Which in turn made me more likely to dwell on the fact that i did fail which made things even worst. By the middle of this month alone i have cut myself,  had a panic attack, smoked my self stupid even picking up the cigarette habit i put down. Most of all i do what i normally do when im stress i withdraw .Holding everything in until i explode that was the only non immediate self destructive behavior i can display and with a significant other its a big problem especially when communication is not a strong point . which is crazy i can talk i just cant communicate i dont trust many people with my feelings or emotion. "They would crush it sooner or later" i would always think. But it wasn't all bad i guess i do have a permanent job now. I do work full time but full time is also in the way of what i want tobdo but i need money to do what i want. Dilemma dilemma...........

Sensitivity

Regardless of what anyone says,sensitivity is not accepted. I will repeat sensitivity is NOT accepted. People dont look at sensitive people with the allure that they would look at a shy person. Its not a quirk,  its something that has to be beaten out of you. In this world, this hard cold world filled with so many harden children (they are children because adults are actaully find ways deal with emotions) they will destroy you if you show a sign of weakness ie sensitivity. Should we incorporate sensitivity more in school? No we cant because the world is still cruel and life is still unfair. Just deal wirh the cards that you have. So the only thing you can do is accept sensitivity. Accept that it exist and do what thy wilt.



But what do i know im sensitive

Im not the crying type 

However i do have emotions alot of them and i really cant express them as much as i want to or sometime as clearly as i want too.

And being a male does not make it any better. Almighty push plays in my head on repeat now adays

"Hold it all in▶🎶🎶

(Hold it all in▶🎶🎶

"Keep it all in ▶🎶🎶

                       (Keep it all in ▶🎶🎶

Cutting

I really thought i was getting better.....im just getting worse its 8 oclock in the morning my girlfriend is right next to me sleep n i feel like cutting myself. If anyone would ask me i would say idk started smoking cigarettes again i havent really been sleeping im still unemployed im losing dedication. I dont think people really understand when i say i had no goal but to die because we all have too i was serious . why in feeling like i should be happy but i feel like crying like nothing is that bad and other people have it worst. Why do i feel like crying?? Like i want too wake up my girlfriend and just idk m a n i really hope its because im sleep deprived