Relationships issues for the introverted and logical

I'm scared to get close to people. when you get attached to someone its like living in their world. Giving them a piece of you and you receiving something back. Sometimes you don't want anything you just want to give. It's easier, for me, to give myself since I don't live for me. I haven't for a while and I don't know what's it's like to have someone give their selves the same way I have. I want to feel the opposite it would make it easier to love, to surrender,to submit. I have to be on guard the whole time. Maybe I'm in over my head, maybe I don't exactly know what love is or how to obtain it. Everything I did before was calculates and planned or thought out like a  psych course. However life is not research and love is not reason. Some things just have to be felt and that's my fear in a nut shell. I'm not afraid of happiness or even depression,my fear is of feelings.

I've numbed myself with pages from a book .. we all need to cope we all have defense mechanisms and a wall of books happen to be mine. I treated emotions like an Rubik's cube instead of a medicine. I figure out what's happening. it's just the increase level of dopamine but that became dope I mean drugs are something felt but should it be. should I take something to make me feel better? should I take something to be free? I wishI can think how I feel away before if I knew why I'll be ok but now I have to feel what I'm feeling in first person. I can't observe from the sidelines this time Ive been called in to play. and coach I'm not ready I'm good for a retainer a sub or even just a bench warmer but for me to be active and feel the game for myself I rather not get involved. but that's what I mean I'm no longer a free agent I'm no longer just wanting to be traded I'm on this team for a contract and I have to be the best because they invested money into me. so I'll play my position and hope for the best ......

Od/ rip

At one point of my life , I wanted to die of an overdose. All my idols did and I had a fascination to drugs culture. That freeing feeling of being in a different state of mind while doing a bunch of reckless activities. I guess it's the feeling of not being restrained by what happens next and live in the moment was the true joy. If you want to have sex with multiple people and not care, you can. If you want to get into a fight and beat someone up , you can. In my head at the time this is freedom. Not being in constant control of what's happening and let it happen. However time waits for no man as musiq taught me.  So I grew up and the desired to do countless drugs and trying different liquors waned in me. So I started to focus on the future and less on what could been. That allure of that lifestyle still seems very excited and very attractive.

After writing  this post I learned that Mac miller have passed .......due to a overdose. Now as common as things like this are now let me explain this tragedy and why it affected me. Me and Mac are both the same age it's always mind boggling to see someone your age die especially by overdose. It's that feeling that it could happen to mee. Next I was a fan of his music. His sound was vulnerable no matter how much it was nasty , dark,  happy,  sad, melancholy or whatever it was it was honest. In hip hop honesty is rare to come across. Looking over interviews with him or other artists they all say the same thing Mac was a genuine good person who was just battling demons. So hearing he died was a blow. Like that could have been me if we started at the same time which was supposed to be the time to start. Besides my narcissistic mindset , we really lost a great and impactful artist I just wish he actually knew how he impacted people then it hit me ................











R
I
P

Malcolm James McCormick

Trigger Warning

Until You wake up with You're  gonna fail everyday
Everyday you're a failure just as soon as you open your eyes

No one can help their words are not going to make things easier just getting off my chest is not enough

I want it to stop.

Things are not as funny enjoyable or even entertaining.

Constant thoughts of cutting again.

Starting to be replaced with just thoughts of death

No one can see that tho gotta put a mask on you gotta be fake like everyone else because besides the negative repercussions and the damage it can do to an image.

I don't need pity hell I don't want sympathy
I don't need anyone to understand

They all understand

I just want it to end....now


And dreams are a joke goals are a joke they just make life harder

Caring about others and the world see how bad it is n it's nothing you can do to stop it because you are a nobody

Just a dirty intelligent shit for brain who lost the will to live

Add the pressure of everyone looking at you like you a nut case and everyone else want to spend time with you because they struggling n you do better with their feelings then your own...

Let's not forget anxiety and responsibilities and the clock is ticking 26 years old too young to complain about struggle n too old to be affected by it

Oh and yoohoo introvert over here emotions are hard for me to just speak I have to mentally get it first and so far everyone thing is well that's life and it's gonna be hard well I can fail because it was too hard Soo I don't care



So no I don't want to talk
I don't want a break
I just want this to stop....
Please

Locking away your emotions until you feel the need to have is a starting to be a struggle and a blessing at the same time.  Don't get me wrong I know the disadvantage of using the mind too much and sometimes a situation calls for emotions but to me they are in the way. I'm way to sensitive to be in this world and keep my sanity. That's a good belief on why I feel like I was going insane so many years I would let someone either bully me into thinking how they did or just let someone ruin my self esteem. To be honest I believe it's just the lack of control that I don't like. I love being in control once I feel like I'm not I feel automatically inferior. It shouldn't be this way but it is shades of grey is hard for me to live in I can see it just hard to live in. I guess it's the gemini in me . In speaking of which I seen some card reading for gemini. Now the way I decipher things like that is to watch multiple people and see the common thread that link them all together. This month that thread was more of staying on the path your on and focus on it.  Last month was basically stick with it now it's more of you will see the fruits of your labor. Which is good news. Also intuition will be stronger (which it has been) and psychic powers s Will be more  powerful something I haven't tested out yet but wasn't this supposed to have a point ...........I guess not .