I'm scared to get close to people. when you get attached to someone its like living in their world. Giving them a piece of you and you receiving something back. Sometimes you don't want anything you just want to give. It's easier, for me, to give myself since I don't live for me. I haven't for a while and I don't know what's it's like to have someone give their selves the same way I have. I want to feel the opposite it would make it easier to love, to surrender,to submit. I have to be on guard the whole time. Maybe I'm in over my head, maybe I don't exactly know what love is or how to obtain it. Everything I did before was calculates and planned or thought out like a psych course. However life is not research and love is not reason. Some things just have to be felt and that's my fear in a nut shell. I'm not afraid of happiness or even depression,my fear is of feelings.
I've numbed myself with pages from a book .. we all need to cope we all have defense mechanisms and a wall of books happen to be mine. I treated emotions like an Rubik's cube instead of a medicine. I figure out what's happening. it's just the increase level of dopamine but that became dope I mean drugs are something felt but should it be. should I take something to make me feel better? should I take something to be free? I wishI can think how I feel away before if I knew why I'll be ok but now I have to feel what I'm feeling in first person. I can't observe from the sidelines this time Ive been called in to play. and coach I'm not ready I'm good for a retainer a sub or even just a bench warmer but for me to be active and feel the game for myself I rather not get involved. but that's what I mean I'm no longer a free agent I'm no longer just wanting to be traded I'm on this team for a contract and I have to be the best because they invested money into me. so I'll play my position and hope for the best ......
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