im tired on so many levels

i know it seems like i just use thisblog as a place to just vent aka complain but i dont think anyone could ever handle or understand how i feel on a daily . people got their own damn problems and dont want to be bothered by the bullshit i give them. im a burden i know i am because i feel like i am and if i had a friend like me i wouldnt want to hear about how every week its something new to make him depressed. then have the nerve to say i dont know why i feel this way. people need a reason and a valid one to give you their symthey because they have their own drama stress and issues and picking yours is not something they feel like doing. i feel worst for my gf she dont know what to do hell i dont know what to do i walk around like i know the answer playing dr phil to everyone in my damn life but cant even fix shit in my life. one thing i know bothers me alot is thwe feeling there is no end. no happy ending. im sorry i still grasp on to that naiivety that a happy ending is possible. im just waiting for something to show up and make me happy and everything i thought would didnt. i have a passion hell i have a bunch opf them i have a girl who loves me i have friends who cares i have discpline to get things ihave perfect health i have no kids. i have a good paying job i have a house kinda and freedom to come and go as i please i have money enough to do something with. i wanted a laptop i have one i wanted books i got them i got weed i controled my drinking i ate today i shouldnt havee a reason to be depressed but yet i just want to find the sharpest knife and cut my wrist. or just run away and not tell anyone i want to dissappear and never come back go in the woods somewhere and just hang myself . my heart wants to cry i want to be held i want to be vaulnerable i want to soft i want relax not jsut a lil bit of hours on off days for a long time but i cant i have to work to make maoney to pay fro a craft so i can make money off of that to stop working and do what i want. life is work work is hell i know it sounds lazy but its alot when you have many obligations to so many people people look at you and say you have talent and just want that potental to be put into better use. like i dont like i dont want want to be paid off my work ki know it would get easier the more i doit but i want to breath but i dont gheta real chance to breate just enough to get my second wind and contiue working i like it better when i was alone i can do nothing and affect noone now i dont have have that luxary. i want to call people i want text people messages people but i cnt im not brave enough to ask for help im i dont want to feel weakeven though i know deep down its nothing weak about that actually its the strongest thing you can do. but toxixc thinking still lays in my mind and psyce i want to cry i to live i want to go to penns landing feel the air on my skin smeel mell the water see the view of the river hear the crashing of waves and taste it as the water fill my lungs and i can just just look up as i fade into the abyess prefitable oin the evening close to sunset . i like purple skyies its calming and beautiful. and the saddest part of all of this i have to hide this every day i have to be happy i have to give the people what they want otherwise they woulkd start to investigate and when they find nothing it is wrong with you they will fell cheated and dissapointed by the answer like we got real issues and you worring about whats in your head . this fear of happiness is becoming intese i as just proud of myself for being consist soemthing that is very difficult for  y but i did it for a month thre is not none ove my bak telling me to do it its just me doing oit by myself i see growth and feelthe need to to run im so broken that growth is something tht needs to be explain to me to be a good thing but i hate being stagnant i walk around with a n inflated sense of pride this narsissm and then i hate myself more than anyone els ei know life is about uops and down buyt they downs when its someit ssupposed to be ups and ups when its supposed to be down then that emlinging empty feelik that there every day



I feel  filled with emptyness




do you even kn ow im alive do you even know i iii do you even know im alive

Why you ready to die you just a baby?

"Why you ready to die? You just a baby Why them tears up under your eyes? You just a baby Keep your head up in the sky, you just a baby Quit chasing money, never mind, you just a baby (These Maji adore you) [x2] Why you wanna be born again? You just a baby Why you playing in the streets? You just a baby"    Lupe fiasco
Throughout my life, I've noticed the difference between age and maturity. We can all get older but only a certain number of us actually grow up.

"Youre only as old as your ability to process new infomation" Phonte

 My mom always told me I was always acting older than I was. Basically implying I was an old soul. This is a concept that stuck with me. If she would have stuck with me. If she would have informed me of the old soul thing, I would have been ok with it. I would have taken it with pride but she didn't. After I got to a certain age she said now I act more like a child (i was still a child) this was a shock to me but I didn't know how I acted before was too mature that it would set a standard that I had to live up to for the rest of my life. After I left my mom house I tried to just have fun.  At the significant age of 12, 13,14 (basically preteen ) I was transitioning from a childish boy to a childish teen. I  found friends on my dad's block who was younger. We would play tag, hide n seek, racing up and down the block, playing Nintendo in favor of the more "mature" PlayStation. However unknowledgeable to her, my mother words echoed 'you need to act your age" this time by older members of the same block. They would see me playing and remark" you're too old to playing tag, you should be going to the mall, You shouldn't be wanting to play these baby games, you should be talking to girls. You shouldn't waste your money on candy you should be buying clothes." Noone actually taught me how to "be a teen ". They just said it was a problem never told me how to fix it. So I was wondering now "am I too childish? Should I consider ditching my friends for a more "mature" and age-appropriate crowd? Due to my unshakeable and unwavering loyalty, I never left them deciding if it become a problem I'll know and we would grow together as a team...... a crew....... a squad.

Sadly we didn't..........

            Fast forward to high school where because I didn't go through prior training, when it comes to social interaction with kids my age, I was awkward to say the least.  This is before I knew about introverts and extraverts. So I figure I was just a shy weirdo. Also, my depression kicked in even harder due to my inability to fit and the other aspects in my life that I have yet to figure out. I wanted to die at 21 if not then at least 25 most definitely. Being a free spirit man-child, growing up was the worst thing in the world to me. I wanted to convey these feelings of depression and isolation or even dread for the future to my peers but I couldn't. They would only discuss the limited amount of things. Women, money, drugs, fashion, music, and sports. Wash, rinse and repeat. Eventually due to lack of connection and my desperate need for some sort of attachment I became more "mature". I gave up N64 for being in dirty whores and I liked for a while but my taste in enjoyment grew to something that some may say is pretentious.  I would call it more...."adult" Not in a sleazy way (like that dirty whore joke smh  I apologize profusely for that joke. I'm very ashamed of myself for it  ) but more in a museum, book clubs and deep conversation way I wanted to be more cultured. Something guys my age wasn't really into. That's not really what high schoolers (the ones i was around at least) was in to.

Once again, the phrase "you are too grown for your age" echoes in my mind. So like last I pushed this feeling down and try to enjoy my life."I'm only young once and ill be old forever. So let's be young wild and free now". It wasn't until the first dreaded year of 21 where my life changed forever. At this time I was down on my luck. My views were darker than ever and my future was dim and dull. i accidentally slipped in a relationship. Not just any relationship like in the past but a relationship with a woman whos a parent. Fatherhood at 21, younger than most but older than others. As time passes, I grew a deep love for the child and woman. This kick-started my older adult staus once again. No more games or outward promiscuous sex. I have something to fight for. I have a family now who i have to lead. Unfounturnely, not unlike everything else in life that I try to plan for I lost it. My family now gone ironically due to my childish behavior. (i Cheated smh ) as much as I wanted to be mature, I wasn't ready to be.....not yet. This tragic event made me look at my life more critically.

The relationship was over when I was around 23. I was slowly approaching the age 25, The second death age. I started to try to work on a legacy to leave behind (besides my blog) that I would be remembered for.  I went to work to gain money to fund this legacy project. I tried to tie up loose ends and met with old friends. My crew, my squad from before and was shocked to see they were ahead of me. imagine the kids that you were told was too young, having a car and a house, taking trips around the world and doing whatever they wanted to do. I just got used to actually paying my phone bill on time. They were growing and doing it correctly. I had a sense of pride since its good to see people do good but I felt disappointed. Even looking around at the peers at my school who I considered immature for their limited interest were also moving on with their lives. This made me notice both of them having something I desperately wanted but didn't realize I didn't have.  Freedom.  I learned at this age that money equals freedom in this country. I always consider money to be the root of evil. I've seen what it do to people. It sucks the childlike wonder from their eye and I didn't want that for me. The childlike wonder kept me alive the last thing I wanted is for the innocence in me to die. I had friends who were also a step ahead of but still had the same ideals and hope and wonder I had. so I had to know it was possible to do. Now I work and.....

I was right. Responsibility sucks the child and innocence from you. It makes you stress and biter and if you not doing what you want to do, you will become worse. Just working towards money aimlessly and being around the wrong people, they will tell you this is a good thing. So you can die tired, miserable stressed and broken but hey at least they have money to bury you. This life is sad painful and sometimes seemly unbearable when you look at it that way. Honestly,I have regrets. I have a feeling that my best years are behind me. Seriously itsitso much that could be done and its so much that could be achieved. However a purpose and a path makes it so much easier. The way i see it is work as an adult to live life as a child once again.

Conscious Crumbs

Imagine living with a sickness that comes every time you thought you getting better. It’s like a virus of the mind. It injects itself inside of it making it rot from the inside. you’re thoughts become darker and more morbid. Things you have never even considered to imagine because they are “negative “are now on your mind all the time. You have thoughts of suicide or death.  When the rotting of the brain grows to its maximum potential, it finally breaks and spreads to other parts of the body. The day after it's your heart and you’re emotions are left unbalanced. How you feel become a mystery. You don’t always feel like killing yourself but just going away because death would feel better than undertaking the unbearable stress that lays on you. Pinning your emotions down until they feel like they are not even there. When you’re heart finally decays the cycle continues onto your body. Making it get weaker and weaker. You lie in you’re the bed and feel the heaviness of the dead weight inside of you.  Everyone around you telling you to get up and just go do what you need to do but you can’t muster up the strength to get up to do anything about it. You have been in this in this slump in the past. You crawled out this hole alone before. You feel drained, defeated, broken and exhausted. That’s depression, cancer of the psyche, sometimes it goes undiagnosed and overlooked but it’s very real.

Some days are ok. You smile at people and they smile back. The sun is shining, the birds are chirping, and you see the world for what it is and all its splendor. Then sadly it's other days. The days where you can look at the same smiling people and feel the exact opposite. Their smiles seem to mock you throwing in your face all the joy you are missing out on. Ultimately, you feel guilty for feeling this way. Either because you don’t feel the same and you know interacting would spoil their mood and make them pity you or your irritability, since you don’t know why you feel like this, would definitely piss them off. So, you try shaking off the feelings using reason and logic. Doesn’t work. You try to put on happy music and dancing. Doesn’t work. You go for a walk that turns to a jog which turns to a run. You try to exercise, yoga downward dog upward dog, doesn’t work. You try reading, eating drinking, talking, hugging, kissing, cuddling, even sex. Doesn’t work. You try video games, Facebook, Instagram, Pinterest, snapchat, YouTube. DOESN’T WORK…….. Then you look over at the table in the kitchen and see your book…. Your ol reliable beat up composition book, you open to a fresh page and begin to bleed words. Every emotion you feel splatters on the page. So much the page becomes full and you need another. You need more canvas to throw paint on. Jackson Pollock would be so proud. Your heart races as your handwriting become erratic. Switching back and forth between perfect penmanship to chicken scratch. Your hand begins to cramp. You flex your index finger and keep writing. You lean over the book cause you already hurting back starts to radiate pain to other places. You sit up straight and keep writing. You start to feel like you’re fighting yourself. “I need this,” you say to yourself. “I need to get this out”. As your thoughts become darker your words do too. Pushing down on the pen more and more to the point if you push any harder you will pierce a hole in your book. Then you drop your pen, let it roll to the seam of the book. Sit back, close your eyes and sign because even though you wrote ALL your feelings down with such passion.…..Nothing changed.  You just feel…..empty.  All the while the little critics in your head laugh and insult you.” All that and for what? look outside its night time now. You wasted so many hours on something that didn’t help anything. Don’t you realize you are broken and can never be fixed. You are born to be a failure. You’re stupid.  You have no reason to be happy. You have no reason to live. Everyone is better off without you.  Even if by some grace of God, you MAY be talented, but it doesn’t matter no one would read what you wrote.”

Sometimes everything is not so dark and gloomy. Sometimes its shades of grey and logic and emotion collide. Without running the risk of sounding pretentious, Deep thinking with philosophy and make you realize that life means nothing in the grand scheme of the world. This notion becomes especially strong when you’re faced with sudden death. You start to wonder about your place in the world. You start to see the fragility of life. Begin to see how easy it can be taken away. This would normally send a person to a state of mind to love life and cherish every waking moment. Me, on the other hand, feel the opposite. I see the people who need, love and cherish me. I love and care for them so much that I don’t want to let them down. Also after years of just wanting to die then having something to live for, it kind of gave me an existential whiplash. I want to die because I don’t have a point to keep going, I don’t want to disappoint the people who have faith in me and for years I had nothing else to look forward to but death. Death is not controllable, predictable or even preventable. As hard as I try to deny this fact I love things to be in my control and I know I’m not the only one. I believe we can make plans and plan Bs in case the first plan failed and plan C if that plan B failed. However, when all the plans are exhausted and the feeling of not being in control of the world around set in, it can be nerve wrecking. Seeing that everything you try to work to get just fail time and time again. For people like me at least, when dealing with depression you always have to be in control of your internal world. The emotions and thoughts have to be in restraints at all times, so we don’t fall back to the slump. That’s how you get to be a “good “respectable person and in the end….it doesn’t matter. Can’t escape the inevitable no matter how hard you try. This may be the main aspect of death I hate. Not just when it comes to me but the people I’m around and care. It could be anyone at any time and that feeling of being on guard all the time is draining and sapping all the time, emotion and energy from me every. Single. Day. So, when people asked “What’s wrong” I just reply with “Life, Life is wrong." Sometimes I just want to let go.

Sleeping rants

So yesterday I took sleeping pills and kept waking up.when i woke up I texted my girlfriend this is is how it went..

I'm a bad person I'm not that bad but bad enough I can't fix it either I'm too impatient because I f eel I'mma run out of time n I won't be able to do anything I don't like the lack of control that comes with life just gotta roll with the punches n just do what you can everyday it gets easier the challenge is getting up to do it the more you do it the easier it gets except for life it's always gets harder because after experiences you change n life changes n update too so you have to adapt walking to Erie is 20 blocks sausage egg and cheese make me have heartburn now I ate it too much I spin my money on food too much why am Iso greedy I didn't need to eat I could of just had water I want a type writer so it can make the ding sound when it done a line I was a line leader.and that was a responsibility I took serious noone else did they ignored me because they didn't care and it made me not care that's how life is just fighting the urge to not care and care when it's not called for since everyone is so heartless why is everyone heartless is it cause they are broken and it's easier not to care that's what I believe because I been there and it's way easier to be selfish I want church chicken I see it everyday at erie and I want to go inside but I'm afraid to miss the bus and for some reason I think if I go in there they would say something and I'll miss the bus and lose my job and be broke like now I don't even have enough for something to drink and kettle corn I want kettle corn and even if I get paid I won't get it because I feel like its a luxury magazines are done like who reads them I haven't saw anyone pick up a magazine in years I can work for a magazine I'mma writer what if I work for a magazine and it goes under because noon e reads them 

 So I figured I got everything out until...

Same for a newspaper I'm very thirsty I don't want to say anything about it that would be. B egging  kame pooped alot in the box I think it's the food but I didn't know which one she was fed that make her poop like that you don't have to get the corn I want it but I need to be more responsible with money you remember PJs that was Eddie Murphy's show when I get paid I gotta get pizza I wanted pizza for a while now I have to get money but it's too late and I'm tired and now I'm gonna be stuck tomorrow as well n noone would visit me I'mma be alone I should hide in the closet n not come out ever again I don't want to be bothers but I do but noone would they don't know n I won't tell them I want to cry but my eyes are too heavy my test is coming up n I will be driving on the road and I'll be grown up but I won't be nothing will change I'll be the same ............,......,...........................................................................that's sad I'm a sad person count frollo locked qusimordo in tower because he was ugly am I ugly I feel ugly I wonder if Max's would ever deliver they need to I want to dig underground and start a colony 

Don't forget this is just what's on my mind ...