Anger

My anger is the only thing I haven't conquered. My habit of drinking gone. My habit of smoking black and milds gone. Cigarettes gone. Masturbation gone. Cutting myself gone. But yet anger remains.

I often wonder why I'm angry and why am I quick to anger. I veitmitly believe that emotions can ruin things. Emotion get in the way of logic and reason and make actions more irrational. Yet, I hold on to anger like a child clutching to his favorite toy. The feeling I feel when I'm angry is freedom. A sense of chaotic liberation. It's not a tranquil feelings but a feeling of release a feeling of letting go a feeling of surprisingly righteousness. As if I have the right to be angry no matter what's I'm angry about. The cat won't leave the room I have the right to yell at him. Girlfriend confusing me I have the right to fume at her. Friends and family are not contacting me the way I want them too I have the right to curse them out. You ever felt right about something? It feels good. Feels like no matter what else is going on in my life in this moment of winning is all that matters.It blinded me to the fact that "hey I might be wrong" but It's a dopamine rush.  However it's playing a game that most people not even aware they are playing.

To stop breathe and count to three or ten is not always a tactic that can work for the problem. It's more of trimming the hedges. The anger will rise again and what if you can't stop what if I do something drastic over something so small. Expressing emotions is not wrong. Sometimes it very beneficial but how the emotion should be expressed is where my problem lies. All the habits I named previously came from anger. They was coping mechanisms that I would use to calm myself. Hell they became habits because I was so angry all the time. So I got to the root of the habits but not the root of the problem. Why the fuck am I angry?

Is it my genetics? Possible my dad a pretty angry guy and looking up to him would make me one. My mom also express anger alot as well. Could it be environment? Also possible. We live in a world that tells you to compare your life to others thus giving a sense of you would never be enough which would cause anger. People walking around with no way to change their lives they feel stuck and powerless which can also cause anger. What about me? It is called SELF control so it up to me at the end. True but the way I'm set up and expectations I have on myself as soon as I try to control my anger and fail I get even more angry due to the fact that I got angry. So I'm angry because I'm angry and I'm trying not be angry but I am.

This is why I believe I need a therapist someone to study me and try to understand me. Maybe they can see something I overlooked. But until then I can only keep living my life trying to keep anger at Bay. However if I do that what would be my release?

Home

I never really had that home feeling. I bounce from place to place so much,especially from parent to parent that I couldn't even establish a home feeling. I remember when I was going to a trade school everyday no would go to my mans crib and he be like "you never wanna go home is there something happens are your being abused" it was an obvious joke but  To me what is home?


I went to 10 schools in 12 years and had 12 houses in 25 years. I never really established a "home" feeling from any of those locations. They just felt like places not a permanent address. So now adays I just go outside to a quiet place and try to find that soliance out there. In a park or a trail, near water ,near a field, anywhere away from people.

My peace came from seclusion. That isolation make me feel so much better when I get stressed. Here is the problem,my whole life was isolation and seclusion.  So even if im not alone like I am now, I'm going to feel alone. I was the only child and when I wasn't, I was the middle child. Noone in my age range  or around me had the wonderlust that I had. Noone wanted to walk with no  destination. I walked feeling misunderstood, lonely and waiting for an adventure.


The thing I wanted was to walk until I found friends and I would have a group of misfits who I can walk with. Bounce ideas off of , do mucic and poetry with , smoke and get in trouble with. Fall in Love 💙 break up 💔with members of the group. I had this idea of walking until I found a group that would accept me and we can share this comradery while growing up in this fucked up and unfair world. I never found such group. I probably could if I didn't beat myself up and had enough confindence to go to Rittenhouse square and basically show my talents.



All of my idols at one point was homeless especially my biggest one basquiat. I would want that, to be on the street where I lay is where I sleep. If not whoever I'm fucking I'm sleeping there and leave in the morning. Just To continue my life of dobouchery and art. I know it sound stupid coming from this privileged kid. However I was looking for something to make me feel whole. Anything give me that feeling that I belong.

I got older eventually i  got my group of other outcast. We came together and I guess I fit in. But in a group like ours, you really can't and even then I still felt like the weird one. I have a bond with everyone in the group on a personal level but it's still not the acceptance I want. Had multiple girlfriends and still didnt fully feel it and when I did I didn't want to accept myself.(I never said I wasn't the problem most times)

Looking back with my connection to art and being accepted goes with not feeling like home. My mom worked alot so she wouldn't .In my view, My older brother got want he wanted, my younger sister got what she's wanted. I didn't ask for much so never received much but I wanted alot. I wanted to express my discontent, my graditude, my thirst for knowledge, my desire for adventure, my love of emotions and everything in between. But that's something you get at home and in my mind.......

I haven't really had one in a while

Past

I still hold on to pain I have given to people. Even if these people have forgotten about me and what I did, I still hold on. Because I know how long lasting some pain is and the effects it can have to a person later on in life. Also i hate the fact that i  wasn't prepared to take life serious as I should when I was younger. I let self doubt and low self esteem tear me up and kill me before I actually got a chance to start. I could have took more risk been more experimental with my failures. But I wasn't. I was scared to take Ls because I didn't want to be made fun of.  Even though I had the most I don't give a fuck attitude on the outside, inside I did.
I gave a fuck alot.

 As I got older and older ,I kept growing resentment for myself. "You have all this untapped potential and you waste it. why are you like this ?" I always say I should be way farther than where I am but If it wasn't the pain that I afflicted to others that  I wouldn't let go of it was the self doubt I wouldn't overcome. I wasn't passionate about anything due that I don't give a fuck we all going to die attitude I had. I also wasn't passionate enough to work for what I wanted.  I thought success would come to me because I was talented. The world doesn't work like that. Now that I am older I see that it shouldn't.

I would have to leave my comfort zone and I was comfortable being a people pleasing person. Someone who didn't want confrontation. Someone who hated himself so I had no confidence to actually do what what I wanted. I look at the past indifferently. It was some good times and memorable experiences but it wasn't what I wanted so I couldn't get too excited about it .I wanted to be more reckless, more wild take advantage  that I had no responsibilities. Even though I had them pushed on me. But sadly i  can't change the past.

Just now i got to do something to make my mistakes in the past mean something. Because I felt the ways I did before today. I hated myself and sometimes still do. I hate the cycle I have to be in because of the lack of control. Now that I got stoicism I have to remember not to get mad about things I can't control it's pointless at the end of the day. While still have some flaws, I have more of a direction of where I'm going.