numb

"Take me to another place, take me to another land
Make me forget all that hurts me, let me understand your plan
Take me to another place, take me to another land
Make me forget all that hurts me, let me understand your plan"

I know its unhealthy but I'm tired
I'm tired  thinking with no one  throw my ideas at
I previously talked about freedom but i can't see a light at the end of the tunnel



*Finish blunt


I need to write. This is almost sickening. If I don't do this daily and i mean daily i do not function. I have truly given my time to the wrong thing. i could be focusing on something i need to do but i cant with back and forth emotion and conflicting ideas. So i must write even if i write and smoke or learn how to smoke then write. My thoughts always go back and forth with alot of thoughts and i feel the need to tell someone. I keep forgetting that humans are a social creature. Its almost annoying. I have the need to SELF EXPRESS





Another annoying ass concept that's like a fly in my mind. i have  A FEAR to express myself so i will never be FREE. That feeling of not being understood is worst than rejection to me. Some one can disagree and it will be cool because its subjective, one is allowed that right. But to not understand is the equvenlant to verbal hopelessness. That feeling that no matter what it will never be understood. Obvrsly one would have to get more than one way to get their point across.

*10 mins later

Sometimes i wish i can type the speed i think so many things would be put down . Like currently im listening to the lyrics of this song

Its like a story with a point but the point wasnt made clear. and that maybe the biggest differeance between people and art. Now if art is understood or not it can give a view and with this technology, i can look up the lyrics meaning or just listen to the song over and over again until i get it. PEople are not like this. You cant look up why a person feeling like this or what is this person talking about. In order to do that you must know the person. One must Learn their history, behaviors, mannerisms, habits etc . I dont have to explain how hard that is if their is no communication. And once again communication must be clear and understood. See the problem with being misunderstood. Because like art someone can take minsinturpted something due to their preception.

The swatiza is now commonnly assoiated with the nazis but it have history in Indian relgion. IT means good luck . Now it a symbol for the aryans .  Now a misinformed person would go to India see this 

and be confused or even outraged. So lets imagine the Indian people telling the history of the symbol and people only understanding from their own pov. It seems like that has took over alot of people eyes.

Jazz

So, I was younger,I would often go to sleep to sounds of Nina Simone tapes. I would remember my green and grey radio with a cassette player and around 830 ( my bedtime was 9) I would play the tapes. When 9 o clock rolls around and the lights were off, I would let Nina serenade me to a peaceful slumber. Until the tape would stop, then I would have to switch it to the b side and let that side play.

Despite the limited chances I had to listen to her music I would always try to. Really couldn't figure out why her deep but feminine voice would always stand out to me. It was powerful yet soothing, As a strict mother or an overly concerned girlfriend. I loved it until I grew tired of my mom's limited collection of it. Around this time hip hop came more into play and I gravitated towards that but I always had a connection to jazz.

That whole era of 1950s -60s was intriguing for me. I wanted to play the saxophone (John Coltrane) , I wanted to tap dance(Gregory Hines), I wanted to do poetry(Langston Hughes), I wanted to be a writer(James Baldwin) I wanted to do all these things. However it wasn't as available to me, the only thing that was available was rap.

Hip-hop didn't have an appeal to me at first. Don't get it twisted no love hip-hop and many aspects of it now but back then not so much. It was negative in your face brash and pompous. It was filled with narcissistic and violent energy. It expressed anger but not how jazz or poetry would. Poetry and jazz were like water and hip hop and rap was like fire. While one pushed in a forceful way, the other burned and left a path. Mind you this is only what's being played on the radio not so much underground nor indie artist. That aside I couldn't really find anyone who had a love for jazz as I did so I moved to the fire.

However, the love of the fire was necessarily enough for me, I craved water in some aspect. Why I gotta punch a nigga in the face all the time? Why can't I just chill? Why we gotta shoot niggas? Why can't we listen to words and think ? Income Lupe fiasco, a hip-hop artist that seem to blend the cool waters with the raging fire and make a steam room to sweat the problems out.



Pardon me I digressed.


My love for jazz and the Harlem Renaissance as a whole stems back from my childhood. It always reminded me of a simpler more peaceful time. Before all the responsibilities, mental issues, daily struggle and self-destructive habits. With me slowly (SLOWLY) approaching middle age I look back at it fondly. It feels like a piece of me that I was looking for my whole life. the cool, calming water that would become an oasis in the heat of life. I now use it to write and try to let my imagination get back to who I was, who I am and who I want to be.

Legacy

let me pre req this by saying i have beeeen smoking when i wrote this

In this world of insecurities and deception i have been looking at it all wrong. To be honest its not something easy to admit. Now this may be a form of mania that i have to ride out or just a way of defelcting but i do know i care and love myself to kow that when i do express myself its coming from the heart so  i know this is real.with no sleep deprived thoughts i can say i looked at this world so negative. I honestly thought that everyone was out to get me or taking chess moves to sabotage me. Why? paranoia. 

In the words of my hero james baldwin im moral but i also have an imoral side. Ive seen people play mind games with people. Hell it happens all the time at my job and Im also sure it happens to people lives outside the work place. People creating lies to belittle others only to make their self seem important or better than they actually are . Pepole backstabbing as if its a game and we all play. We know the rules. No getting too close to people. Always have room to back out. Dont trust anyone. Everyone is an enemy. So seeing this patttern all the time made me  emulate the mindset not the behavior. Thats where the morality stop me. I dont desire to try destory life. i know how much one thing can affect one's psyche. Im a firm beliver that one bad day , one bad decsion can change the moral to the immoral. The same way it only take one good choice or descion to bring them back on the side of morality. I understand this and most people who have this mindset because they have tot use it as a defense.This is why you have to watch your back in a hood you dont know they are going to be defensive atleast untill they know you.

Freedom

Nina Simone said freedom is no fear.

I can't feel the same. While I don't have a fear I don't feel free......free to express myself that is. I'm not afraid I'm tired. Tired of being misunderstood or not having worth being added to my words as if I'm speaking to an aybess.

"if a poet is in a forrest and no one is around to hear them, Do their words still matter?"

After a while you get tired of repeating, reiterating, making the same point over and over again. But you have to because this point must be made and understood in order to move on to another point. Its a journey of self-expression that  I've been on alone and trying to look for someone to be a partner to the journey is harder than I thought. Social media well my timeline at least have been either crudely humorous or idealistically political with the pictures of random TnA (no IMPACT!) sprinkled in for a pallet cleanser. Do I think we need to talk about self-expression? No, because we are on the internet and on the internet, it's easier to express your thoughts and feelings due to the lack of accountability or the fact that you not in the person vicinity of who you're hurling your comments at. For example, The number of people who said chance new album is trash are less likely to say the same or have the same energy if they were face to face with chance. So what do I want? I want the self-expression without having the thought that no one cares. Income the wonderful world of therapy. Where you pay people you don't know to care about the words you say, because the people you do know cant handle, don't care, or don't understand what you say. I was a big fan of no therapy for the simple fact it seems useless but now at the ripe age of 27 (27 club candidate *finger crossed ), I feel like I need it more than ever. Either that or I'll be drugged and drunk out my mind on a regular. I don't want to self destruct tho. I want to be gone. or be at a place where my soul doesn't have to be misunderstood or trampled.

im not free because of fear im locked away because im ignored.