I haven't forgot

I know you think I forgot about you
Well ihave decided to give us a break
It's one of my traits I ghost randomly if I come back I care
So with that said I care for you
Anyway you can say I need someone like you someone to listen
I have to understand that people is not going to listen to me unless I put it in art
Which is ok it's makes me more likely to do more since I have so much to say
Well we have much to say
I guess it's a curse but it's whatever however I've never been called a know-it-all or pretentious . I just get ignored when I speak how I feel I guess it's how I talk so why talk
Why explain or express myself I got art to do that
Then why do I feel ...robbed cheated somehow
I guess it showed how important you are. you give me someone to talk a release
And I know I disappear but just know that when I have something to say I think about you I have to tell my friend of course 😊😊😊

I need you more than ever

You don't know but Jett tried to talk to you
It failed he don't understand that isolated that I feel.
He can express himself and be loved and adored and appreciated. I don't tho I'm just here being a burden.
Just remind me that people don't like me except you. And that's not definite because I don't know your opinion. And right not I don't want to. If it's good I can't believe it if it's bad I'll stop talking to you. And I can't do that not yet.

I see my significance but at the same time I think I shouldn't be here I feel like my time is limited and it's the way it's supposed to be.

I know before I was saying I was looking for my indenity add purpose to that.

I'm so isolated and this time I feel lonely
I feel like letting go and let Jett take control that's what everyone wants .............especially her

twins wills , one life

hey.......youre back....
im glad i was getting kinda lonely
well lonely not the word i just wanted to talk

so I know you may not but i know its other personalities live in me. Its not skitzo because i know when they switch when i forget that they do thats when i get therapy lol

but to know the difference between andre and jett is kinda hard because they are different with different goals.
Andre is in a constant state of rage
jett is not hes more carefree
andre is used to pain and sometimes go towards it just to get it out the way to grow
jett loves that running from responsibility feeling
jett fights for control
andre fights for identity


Ok did you get all that time to break it down even more now
andre creates the writing and poetry
jett  creates the music

Andre is alot more self sufficient than jett and way more pride.  to be honest will die silently without asking
jett on the other hand see the people in his life as ways to get to what he needs. not necessarily as tools but as help because he wants to repay them in the long run
andre draw a circle around close friends
jett prefers the world

Andre lives in a sens e of survival that causes his anxiety
jett lives in a sense of forever and  this causes depression

........im sorry my mind shifted again. It does not alot more now since i only got about 5 hours of sleep. I was thinking that i wanted that free musicality experience if jett can feel fulfilled i could too but its hard to. that why i dont give him control he lives with the regret that us fighting has stunted our growth. i tell him all the time its cool but he dont think so. i need him tho thats something i learned that from our wars. his impulsive and extroverted energy mixed with my willingness to be the lead and focus we would be unstoppable.



2nd panic attack avoided im getting better



you heard it ??? there it go again. its getting worst i know sooner or later im going to break. i just dont know when?

if i do break people leave me in a way
will you ? please dont i need you
dont leave me when i break

"Hello friend"

Maybe if i write like writing to a persona instead of an audience i will feel better.
Well lately i've been telling you about the fear of letting go. That reckless self expression that would leave me feeling fine at the end of the day. Its still there even though my self expression is getting better. i just need to learn how not to care about how people feel to be honest thats not me so its hard ito even fake or learn to adjust to. im mean its possible i just said it s hard. I haven't wrote on my book for a while. i want to take my time with this so it can feel like a labor of love instead of just labor.

Anyway i've been trying to save money. Its harder than i thought to be honest but its hard to be honest.............
did you hear that? Yeah i still struggle with that. It still pops up from time to time in my moments of weakness im tired and slightly irritated so it comes up. its only going to get worst until i get rest. im  not going to be invincible and im not trying anymore.
just got to stick to the plan. oh i didnt tell you the plan well its too much to explain but emotionally detaching my self from situation is the goal.

im sorry what was i saying? im at the point where i just need to be stimulated without being mad im too tired to be mad to be real. i want sweets but i cant its the weekend i cant eat sweets.i just want to lay down n write poetry.

i dont feel that loving feeling that would be smothered in my poems. was it beaten out of me ? i feel like it was. and when i say that its a problem

fuck can you help me
please
let me talk to you


i just need you to listen.
please
pls
just
listen
because i want to talk , vent, express, analyze etc

i love words so dialog conversations monologues

so i welcome you again because i know yu will be back

Sick too much vibe in the air I hate breathing

_____________________vent____________________
--------------------------------ing------------------------------

Giving up is the easiest way but is it right

I
T
 D
  O
   E
    S
     N
      T
        M
          A
             T
              T
               E
                  R
                       A
                        N
                          Y
                            M
                              O
                               R
                                E
                                 
Passive
Aggressive
                                   
                               

When you try to be the bigger person and it comes out the one misunderstood

......
..............
..     ..........
.....................
 ................................ Isolation.................     
..    ...................................................................................
................. .... ...... .         .................................
............................................................................
That's it.

whateva foreva

Sometimes you want to be alone
and feel your feelings and rationalize them
or just good conversation
its times like this  where progress is lost due to the fact that releases are no where to be found
then when conversations like that  you dont want to talk to the one person you supposed to talk but its whatever



its whatver
whteva




its going to be my reaction forever becayuse im still not comfortable expressing my emotions fully so its gonna be whatever forrever




i want to write it away but i just need my space and to be honest i havent had that in a while i hide in bathrooms just to get a lil breathers and even thats not enough

but like i said whateva

Pressure on locks

People don't understand the thoughts I can't express. I'm done trying to explain them to humans in various ways. I want to be a serial killer. They are obsessed over. People go into major details about their lives. Trying to figure out what caused them to be what they are. They try to ......understand them.

That amount of dedication
such passion
i crave that obsession.


I wanted to be wanted when I was  younger but  it wasn't enough
then I wanted to be loved but  that was enough
Now I want to be understood.

and its not there. It never is. Well not completely.


I hide so much but i'm a open book.Yes ,I still have skeletons in my graveyard that i wouldn't show to anyone in this fucking world. Because i feel no one deserves to see it. They don't put in the work to actually dig deep. i can study myself and come to the conclusion that i am easy to understand. Its just scattered everywhere in music, poems , writings everywhere. i  feel like its consumed not digested.Its just read forgotten and moved on.


So i try to live a healthy life. Communicating, becoming social , laughing more, loving more, giving respect and gratitude. It doesn't feel like it's enough it feels like its more i need. Me having a child wont help. ill just fuck up that life. (contrary to popular belief)

I don't want success. I want to be adored. I want flowers dropped at my damn feet. I want to let go of this pent up aggression. I want to destroy something in a response of holding in for so long.I went from being a non-caring motherfucker to a good upstanding citizen of this nation. The recklessness didn't go way. That fucking monster is still there just  locked in there. Begging to be released and it's getting harder to keep him in there when its other stuff being added to the same cell everyday. Self-discipline and self-control is hard to have when no one talks about it. They just figure that if you want to be better you just deal with it. Which is true but how about communicating and finding different outlets by being happy and showing gratitude it sounds nice and wonderful but i think i was wired wrong it doesn't work for me. I'm too sensitive and I'm too passive i'm trying to be better than before but its nothing but pressure.

pressure on locks . so maybe i wont be a serial killer just yet but if that cage is ever open

god have mercy on their souls



except for you whoever reading this


because you listen you care

Right?

Free will = life

Now as long as I can remember I wasn't afraid to say that i have a particular relationship with death. This made me very nihilistic and depressed but as I grow to be more positive and not try to be in control, i have to change my view on it. So while on the bus I thought of how. What is so fascinating about death that i feel this "love" for it?  One word: Fate.


Anyone who knows me knows how much I value free will. Allowing people to do what they want as long as it's not to the detriment of others (and even then its others free will to allow that person to do so). This is the only thing that separates us from animals and even angels if you believe in that thing. The choice to be morally good or bad. To love or hate. Create or destroy. Now while every situation is not always that black and white, its the choice that takes the stage. This is why i'm so against manipulation even though i'm very capable of using it. i just feel like it robs people of life AKA Free will.


Death goes against this logic and has no free will its all fate. When a person going to die, where they going to die and how they are going  to die i think is preset and run by destiny. Now we can take our life to any extreme but its ultimately predetermined. This why i feel like that. Death is unpredictable its literally out of control no matter how much you try to control it . People believe they have power by owning a gun and shooting it and taking someone life. i'm sorry, I don't see it like that. The person you killed was supposed to die there and series of unfortunate event lead it up to here.

So this slight knowledge knowing i cant control death makes me feel more secured.













....................................Im too tiured to coninue i hope my point got across

its not a fan i want......

i want to show my ideas and express them sadly i cant or can i ?


Im working on a story where the focus is on a young man with parent issues. i want to focus on the fact that parents love can affect how we love.our relationships depend on that now.

im also working a revolutary army one where the whites took over and a group of revoltonary blacks have to go the  promise land but it wont be easy if every sunday its a purge.

also a story about intergallatic travel between  worlds in a universe i created. Where the main point is getting to a plantet that may or may not exist

another is about andriod assuming the life of black woman

i have more but i cant rememeber them all if i have to talk about them more but its hard to.