A dream world?

I found it a reason ...I just had a dream where I was a prince in training

In this dream I was deemed incompetent to lead the construction of a highway which leads me to being berated by my father

Now it could be different reasons 

The show Mr robot deals with losing grips of reality 

The book I'm reading have a character who is a prince with the power to go into other people dreams. 

So this all could be a result of my overactive imagination.

Ok

Giving the fact I just went through a situation where my authority been tested. and I felt small because of it. On my day off (today) and with me finishing the book. It could just been my mind being creative. 

Ok 

But it felt real ...and more than that it felt.... familiar. Like I been to this land multiple times and just recently I was pushed to be king. 

Could this be the reason for my feelings? In this dream world I'm being berated by a king who wants to make sure his son (me) is up to snuff to be king?

Or

Could it be the fact that now living on my own Making my own decisions with my girlfriend who I feel I must protect and provide like king would  his kingdom play a part?

I just had a issue with God. Could he be the king? Could the highway be the connection between him and me ???

Could I just be losing it? 

Could I just be making connection that's not there?

Grasping at straws?

I hate not knowing.

It makes me feels helpless because I can't fix the issue. 

You can't troubleshoot the mind

Maybe I need sleep but I cant sleep 

Not like this my mind is racing

Like cars 

On an empty highway

< (unspoken truth)>

" if i get better i will not  be same . i will not be creative i will not special i will not be cared for. i know how this world treat Strong people they forget about you and figure you cant break and if you do you are not revered anymore you back to the suicidal kid "

life cant be like this

(it is ........you just looking for a reason to quit)

why must it always go to that
(because you like to quit its easier than just making it through to the end)

I'm bad with sticking things but i can learn to be better
(and whats keeping you from it )

life is hard
(and it only gets harder)

 The funny things is when i was younger i didn't need people because i didn't do any thing. but now i have things to lose i need people more than ever. i pushed them so i wont feel weak when i did the same with god. I feel like he gave me enough for me to make it without him. Not to spite him but to praise him. Like look how much i did with the minimal amount of help this is because you gave me power thanks.
each time i would go to help is like pressing a hint button. Like i can feel like im disappointing him as if you will a mentor





How can i feel powerful or strong or even special if i have to drag myself to ask for help all the time. Which child are you proud of the one that asks for things all time or the one who gets it. yall can lie and say the one who ask but i know the truth the one who have it together is the one whos desired and be praised
when climbing a mountain if you hear  someone had a crew and all fancy equipment or someone did it alone with the least amount of help which one is more impressive?

i dont want to be average
i dont want to be normal





i want to be IMPRESSIVE I WANT TO BE SPECIAL I WANT TO BE EXTRAORDINARY

I  AT LEAST OWE GOD THAT I OWE HIM TO BE BEYOND EVERYONE AND BE GREAT


I WANT TO BE PERFECT !!!!!!!

I WANT TO BE










more than i actually feel like i am because i always feel






small




insignificant






worthless




minuscule

Men-tors

Me personally, I'm a more hands-on type of learner. I need someone to tell me what to do, how to do it and I will freak it out and make it more personal to me.  Thats how I learned video games I play the tutorial and then just explore the rest through trail and error. Which could be the reason why I like fighting games most of them are the same when you boil it all down. Its more of what type of style works best for this what type of character. However, when it comes down to other activities, I need a certain type of expertise to help me find my way. This is where a mentor would come in.


Lately, I have noticed i do have mentors .......they just don't know it.  I already mentioned video games I have a mentor for that. Art of writing I have a mentor for that. However, who can be a mentor for life?

This where the common person would use religion to fulfill this purpose. Using figures like Jesus, Mohammad,  even Hallie Selassie Now while these figures are great they don't live in modern times in America, so the way they live is completely different. I can take what they said and move accordingly. Another reason why words are important because they can they be left behind. So watch your words.

But someone to look up to its hard without idolizing them it creates a loop that goes with seeing someone and empathizing with someone. This way of thinking can help whatever you studying. you can see how someone reacts to it. Like me, if you get me talking about art I might rant with the intensity that my normally somber and relaxed nature would never push myself to get to. and it's not on purpose its a natural reaction. because I love it so much. It hasn't been people who have this level of intensity and if I meet them they would not have it for the same thing I study so it wouldn't make a good internship.

This is why I want to get around people with the same passions. I need too but I can't find them. maybe if I release more work I could......

Men in particular. The strong presence of masculine energy (i know it doesn't matter by gender but roll with me here ) my brother locked up my father is distant and the older peers in my life that wasn't already my sensai in other areas are not on my type time. So its  struggle....
guess

Safest space

This is the only safe space I can go to.

No one looks for me here.

I just want to be left alone. 

I want to vent but I'm tired of bothering people or dealing with people other emotions or just dealing with me when they have time.

Like I'm a child.

I fought this all just to not to feel like a child.

I work non stop 

I add bills on myself

I accept responsibility like a bad sweater on Christmas and wear that motherfucker as fashionable as possible.

I fix my mental health

....or try to 

I keep in contact with people. 

I make sure I'm good appearance wise. 

I try to control emotion 

Just to show my need to be an adult 

So I can be respected and yet....

I don't .....

Maybe I wasn't ready ......

But if not now then when

I'm already 26

Is it my fault ?

Is it my overbearing mother's?

My disconnected Father's?

No

It's mine.

Why because I'm an adult.....

And everything I do now is all my fault...

Success or failure 

Its all on me.....

I seek independence and found isolation......

I need help...but I was taught survival 

Not to ask for help

They say anger comes from the feeling of being powerless

If you had power you can change what makes you angry

"

To be black and conscious in America is to be in a constant state of rage."

So I'm double angry because I don't feel like I'm ever going to have power.


Why??

I'm always in a state of feeling like survival have to be nearby ......

I have fear an ongoing one that I'm in danger

Not by a person


....still want to not be here


But by failing not just my sel F

But


Everyone.....

But f.a.c.ebok

Can't b shown this

They need 😂😊😍😂😁😆🤣😎🙂😚🤗
Neva ☹️😔😒🤔n



This is my safe space because no matter what i never feel safe


But at least I can control this

Atleastfornow

write emaway /running away

The anxiety killed me 

i cut myself

it was a release 

but so disappointing 

i havent done that since 2014 i believe 

and one night i lost control 

As i say many times before i can repair myself. Thats the easy part to just restore myself. Put my guts back in and stample the wounds shut and keep it pushing. 

However i cant anymore i have "people " who care so it hard to keep pushing them away. As much as i want to be toxic and have unhealthy habits. I have to fight for me.

.....for them.




im needed

im wanted............

My biggest problem is why i dont i want it 

i dont deserve happiness i havent figured this out yet 

Why in my head i dont deserve or see happiness anywhere close in my future 

i have moments of enjoyments  They come and go like everything in life 

you got to go with the twists and turned. 

in speakiing of twist and turns

you know the hardest thing about a rubiks cube 

its not figurng out one color side thats the easy part

the hard part is trying to figure out the rest without messing what you done already. you have take risk then put everything back and if you dont you mess up what color you had and the color you was trying to get. 

Life is money sadly as im coming to realise 

how can a pure soul see hope if bills is in his face

?

medition with medication 

i havent cried yet

.............i still need to