Sun Gemini moon Libra

yesterday i took pictures of my self and came up with the idea of taking another one at night when i get off. It was supposed to represent the duality of my signs. The day picture was going to be smiling the night was going to be a more melancholy picture. Ironically it happened without my control, After getting off , late i might add, i got off the bus and started laughing almost hysterically nothing was funny i wasnt thinking of anything, i was literally just laughing then my mood changed i tried to  keep laugh to keep the strong facade i had up but i couldnt ......i broke. suddenly tears came i tried to stop but more i did the harder they came . i felt it for so long but didnt mention it. i missed it ... i missed comfort. Now alot of people would hear this and ask many questions , they will not be answered for the simple fact that comfort is something that us humans need.Harry Harlow did research and experiments with this. Its not a miss my mom type of feeling(i do but its not the same) its more of a support system type thing. That feeling hey im here for you or do you need a hug or more "controversial " affection. Lately their has been a lack of intimacy in my life not sex, intimacy. The difference of having someone who wants to be in your life compare to someone who can take it or leave it (but you do the same ) yea but i dont push people away (was you pushed away ?) felt like it. I want what most friends cant offer, a kiss, a touch, careless Whispers(sound kinda feminine to me my g ) well it might be having both in me you're gonna get one more than the other some times (....) i dont expect my friends to do this but.... i guess a hug... is needed? Idk. To keep it blunt and to wrap it all up, we all need comfort a feeling that everything gonna be ok. (sometimes the strong can  keep it all together but its better to know you have someone at a moments notice that can help you put it back when things fall apart ) Wife goals

But love is not in my plans

(at least not yet )


Being alone (and single) sucks

(dont cry.)

Shinra Tensei

To push people away is never my intention. However being that im doing sos (so i gotta call for help but this sos im calling gotta be answer by myself) The introspection( i like that ) thanks, i have to push people away.Its easy a thing for me to do for real to just push people away. Most times its not on purpose or even because i dont want you around trust me i do (some times we crave it ) yea but to beg is never what i would do (ok question not long ago you said you would be more social what happen? ) well for the sucidal feelings came while driving. the feeling of having that much power of someone life made me lose focus and ive been having focus lately. so ironically i found out holding everything in is hurting but im so scared to make a connection because i know how fast it can be destroyed and noone is permanent and its best to think about you (still thinking about ......) yes (let it go ) i will



in my art



but for now

everyone get away

SOS

Sos is a project that shows a growth in me that's been happen from 23 to basically 25. The story is very loosely based on the story of Jesus where i died(metaphorically) and was risen again. Each track offer a different view on the same concept death . It really seemed as if i was truly discovering things about myself while making it.Slowly i realized that this is a very potent way i can show whats in my mind (Regardless of the abstract imagery sometimes).is all needed for me to accept me for all that i am and all i have. if this was alchemy(another concept i thought about while working on this ) this would be consider nigredo. The blacking. This stage is basically deconstruction and burning off all impurity. By the end of the sos series  i should be gold or have obtain the philosopher stone. As the great poet Saul Williams said :

“We are unraveling our navels so that we may ingest the sun.
We are not afraid of the darkness.
We trust that the moon shall guide us.
We are determining the future at this very moment.
We know that the heart is the philosopher's stone.
Our music is our alchemy.”

i wish i could go more into it. but i dont want to spoil the project 

just remember the fire 

the darkness 

is 

not 

always 

bad

Prayer( Phobophobia)

So i tried prayer for the second time today. The only prayer i could think of is "jennys prayer" from forrest gump. (The dear god make me a bird so i can fly far ") yea that one i was trying to think of something like something like thank you for waking me up. I don't know if its because i've been self sufficient for so long that the thought of thanking an omnipotent being is difficult. or what but it has been a challenge to even open up with people let along a god. the last thing i need is people coming up to to me and saying they can teach me how to pray. Christians has a different way of prayer. the whole "Heavenly father we come to you as a broken man please fix my wrongs and make me whole" that thing just doesn't appeal to me. A conversation with  god i really got to know you to talk (how to know god ) meditate? (ok do you) kinda  (why not) i dont know to be honest i cant really sit still. i don't think prayer is the answer (whats the answer ) love is the answer ( this nigga ) no look (no self love is more important ) ......( that's the problem its not a girl , its not art, its not even god. Its you) i cant tho (you just don't want to you. have to stop that and put yourself first ) but why when i dont care about (living? you dont see that as a problem ) no it give me no fear ( Fear?  thats what you dont want) yes (phobophobia) call it what you want ( why are you afraid of fear ) fear makes you weak ( so you dont want ot be weak ) no ..... not anymore ive done it for so long (know you know what to work on ) what  is it ? (come to grips with your fear and  vulnerability is not weak ) i cant do this shit alone ( well you have to nooone is gonna help you ) \





(never)

Allow me to reintroduce myself

 I was wondering why am i being anti social on social media platforms. well for one i was anti social period. Still kinda am on the low im very selective on i have conversations with. Small talk bore me so i wont always involve myself in it. however i know how to be social and in order to be an artist  i have to use that social aspect to prevail . The reason im liked as a person is because im open and i make people fall in love with me with words alone. i can be real joy to be around and sprinkle some real shit every now and again. i went through the artist stage  you know the dark brooding mysterious character because i thought that was a way i can be more logical so i found out how to be both ( so you found out how to..... balance?)  basically. To balance my child like nature with my adult sensibilities. Now i  haven't mastered it yet but im getting a hang of it. I can be friendly because iam naturally friendly (you what i think this is) wah gwon  (i think this is a way to hide your dark side) .......😏 (you sneaky bastard) what? i didn't think of this alone but i kept seeing the future and how it plays out and me being passive and quiet is not gonna be easy for me to grow. My sun, mercury and Venus is in Gemini. that's all communication how you gonna find the one if we dont talk shes not just gonna fall in your lap. (true ) look we are a flawed fucked up individual (lol individual ) but we have a beautiful dark soul that can be shown (and the plan??)  if it happens it happpens if not we keep going ( im with you ) really ?? ( of couse i just don't want to be pleasant all the time i need time alone too) most definitely that can be arranged ( pinky swear 😏) who's the bastard now ?😔

i should have never been released

i walk down the street see people and think how could they die, how could i kill them, how can i kill me or kill them all. Thoughts of homicide,suicide,genocide have plagued my head for a decade and now since i cant be emotional(this  would be explained later) i have no choice to be majority spiritual and mental. my mental is the darkness its always been some things we do just make no logical sence. Love is stupid truly. i say that so many times you came in this earth alone we share it with another. idk that sounds stupid. but thats the emotion part that really want it. living is stupid to me to whats the point of living to die. now i know one answer is to experance this thing called life to get an perception for it ok if thats the case me dying should be ok ive lived right hell more than alot of other black men in the same predicament. i want to get high sober life brings this side out of me



"weed is getting boring now im looking for a new high"

i should have stayed in the hospital

dreams

I had a dream i was underwater. The only thing i had on my mind was trying to find new love or rather love in general. while searching i found a mermaid actually a group of mermaids. Now the thing is mermaid imagery was never really my thing. i never really got in to the lore of them or even found an allure to them. however i followed them down to the bottom of the ocean only to really find a solid answer on what i want. Right now at the moment of typing this i can not recall what was the definite answer but i do remember me being satisfied enough to wake up feeling good.

Another dream was more pragmatic. I saw myself be corrupted by the people around me. I was talking to some trusted men about women and the flaws with them and the only real advice i got from them was to say fuck them im young its in my best interest to just treat them like crap the same way they treated us. Now anyone who knows me personally knows i always try to make a reason on why the women treat us the way they do. Having sisters and females companions i see the fuck shit men do and realize that most times the men ways and actions play a big part on what makes a woman act a certain way. Not in this dream, in this dream i l fell more into victim role and said fuck it and treated random women like trash just fucking and leaving and having no remorse for my actions. i was the truest definition of a fuckboy.


now the second dream was a sight of what i could have been if i wasn't so attached to my moral when it comes to women. Being a fuck boy is easy its not hard , whats hard is admitting mistakes that what makes you a man but who am i to judge.
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i dont have a gavel.