Dis con nected

Loooking back, my life didn't take much to really ruin.I had a thought processes that made me feel alone, I had a life where being a new kid was pretty normal. I was an only child. I was weird because of these facts. I hated being alone. Now its bii different. I crave soliditude and I think this is a reason why I didn't want to be with people . Don't get me wrong I love the connection I have with people. The people in my life are the realist people I know. In their own uniquely indivsiual way. However, this does leads to my time alone to wane. Its always something or someone. I would say my only real time is when I'm at work but thata fucking lie due to fact I'm at work. The feeling of being on guard,either for the coworkers or supervisor the people who work at the college the patains, On my way to work I'm worrying abouyt getting to work so I have to rush a lot. I also don't have the mental sanity to bring the relaxing and rejoinving force to my life. Being at home is a whole another beast. Its cats running around. Now my thing about cats or all movng pets that roams the house I don't like the fact I can look to the left and they just sittning there. its freaky and some times I still look and think I see something moving in my preoval and its nothing. its the weirdest feeling. And don't forget this whole girlfriend thing which I have sepereates problesm with becasuse of reasons. I don't have just time. Funny now that I wrote this I know what kind of song to do. with the sonic beat I wanted to talk about me rushing get everything done and it shouldn't be like that even through its a sonic beat I would want something to be a lil faster. This is slow and somber to reperesent how much I like the interartion of people but at the same time need a major break from  them. 

Should i try.....naw whatever

I haven't found the use of the blog lately. I was thinking I didn't need it. Every once in a while I say the same thing. "I'm ok. I don't need a blog to express myself" but its not so much expression but more on the level of release or venting. As much as I get people to listen to me express myself, it really doesn't matter if no one going to go out their way to listen. For example, I made a slight comment about me losing my smile.

Instead of taking it as maybe, something is wrong, How can we (as a unit of friends) try to help? A close friend said basically I'm always depressed and I should just get over it. As if I like feeling like this. Like I wake up in the morning stretch and say "I'm going to be depressed today." I wish these feelings didn't affect me but they do and they are very real. And coming from someone who also went through depression, its a slap in a face. Because people told him the same thing and I made sure his feelings were valid. I didn't even properly explain why or how I lost my smile.

My lust for life was always art. The biggest example of this is my old blog. I put so much in too that project. Added pictures, telling stories, change word coloring, videos, etc. simple shit but I wanted to express how I was feeling on a grander scale than just "I'm sad". I had creativity flowing through me freely. Lately possibly due to the outbreak or me growing up (or another 3rd option) that lust, that drive, that will to create freely was sucked from me. I started to care more and more about people's opinions of my work than the actual work itself. So when I looked back at the work I had out, I was shocked to find it was ....for lack of a better word. trash. Simple spelling and grammar mistakes, disjointed thoughts, and I definitely saw where I grew as an artist. But I fell off due to life and it seems life always comes in between me and my art. Not moments but people.  The same people who if they were a Lil bit more sensitive or understanding of my issue, I wouldn't have the problem of feeling blocked creatively. If they only knew how important this is.  They don't see me as an artist, they see me as just an ordinary person when I'm not. Not saying I'm special, just I have a completely different lifestyle from them. but that's too much for them to grasp.

I always pride myself on being able to put myself in someone's shoes and I don't think people understand what that means. It doesn't mean put yourself in the same position. It means to put your way of thinking away to the side and get into theirs based on what you know about them. Their mindset team-up with yours and find a solution. It should only be used when you don't understand the situation, not for everything. You would think that the way people say they know me, they would figure the pressure I am under every day would break me and give me a reason to breakdown. What pressure?

Well for one, I have to take care of a household not alone but as the man and the social ways of thinking and influence, I have to do it because I'm a man. Then being a good friend. People wouldn't see this as pressure because they see it as just pick up the phone and call a friend. Not simple for me. I was a recluse for years and I know how to actively avoid people but that wouldn't be right. Especially if they just want to talk to me and the way people made it seems over the years(you're the only real friend I have ) I have pressure on maintaining this very important relationship. Then its the pressure of being a boyfriend. In a world where good boyfriends are far in between and good people are even further. Me being a good boyfriend is a lot of pressure, especially when your girlfriend is one of those people who don't understand how important your art is and not even a fan of it. Then the pressure to change for the better and being patient with someone whos always changing. Nothing but fucking pressure. Did I mention the job that I feel like I'm slacking in? After all, I have a somewhat perfectionist mentality and need to work hard due to validation. Since I spend the most time there, if I don't work hard there, I feel like I have to work hard somewhere else. But  I'm so tired because of work to do anything else. Note all this just pressure without touching the pressure that comes with art. The audience, self-doubt, the hate, the fear all that pressure. Then the lack of money doesn't help. Declining Mental healthy doesn't help. I'm just a ball of pressure, frustration, and intense anger.

Yet everyone just ignores it and acts like it was just something to say. Like I was bored and I needed to make a Lil funny to cheer people up. When this was me telling everyone I'm at my breaking point but did they care?

No.

I was just told to stop being sad. By one person, true, but with no one checking up on me to find out more, it might as well be all of them. I'm disappointed by this. No. I'm hurt by this. So I decided not to care about venting or just getting it out to people. If you want to know how I feel. Check the blog. I'm not going to waste my breath anymore just for it to be brushed under the rug. That way if they cared they would check it out and see it, if not hey it's whatever. This is giving me a defeatist with a great will power mentality. I will continue to work on my art actually I'm going to work harder than I did before. but it's only to pass the time before I die. Oh yeah, I still want to die and it's thoughts that plague me every fucking day. Not just when I have dark moments or bad times. Nope. Almost every moment in the back of my mind I want to die. and I guess that's ok, right?  but it doesn't matter, right? because people don't care. If you listen to their problems, you served your purpose. If you do a certain task, you served your purpose. I feel like a god damn robot whos not supposed to have feelings but just serve purposes. This will do nothing but push me to the same self-destructive behavior that I worked so hard to contain. but it doesn't matter if I self destruct because I served my purpose. I'm just here to serve and do nothing else. Write my Lil poems and stories and songs and serve purposes. "You want to feel good? " "coming right up. How about you? are you good? Me oh don't worry I'm just indulging in all the vices I can so my heart can give out and my wish of dying can be fulfilled but enough about me. How about you? are you ok?"

Back again.....

I haven't been looking at this as personal blog anymore just as a place to complain. Being a way to vent on a digital souse but what i come to realize that i vent about the same thing all the time i literally getting tired of saying the same thing over and over again. I've been wanting someone to understand or be in the same profession or have the same vocation as me but its been a minute before i can feel like that. And in order for me to go on and live my life like everyone else i have to ignore my urges and my passion just to make every happy. Even though art is the thing that make me happy but if i can t find peace or solace in it how can i be happy. The people in my life make me feel like i have to make my work, my craft, my art, my passion into a commodity and it make sense. We live in america where commodity is everything and nothing can be done without currency and being broke and living for too long. I've tried so hard to get a job and work them and try to make a passion out of them or try to get a new passion thats more marketable then my subjective based one but nothing seems to stick as much as the writing.

Writing. Jeez. Its so broad and i have to make it that way just so i wont have to keep saying why i love each one. My poetry is favorite right now it combines the melody and rhythm of music and the story structure of writing stories. Its the perfect the middle ground of the two. Music or rapping is all emotion. Its logical at time something to get the brain working but if you can FEEL the beat you can make alot from it. Hense why alot of people make it with no apparent talent. They felt the beat they know how to make it bleed through the speakers. With no word just a flow. Where writing for me is more technical and more of a practice to be good. Like music everyone think it can be picked up and not crafted on and every think they can do it correctly when that's not true. It takes time and work and patience to become good. Its the true meaning of a craft you can bullshit a song like i said just feel it but you cant bullshit a book. Making music is also by committee its a group project.  You need a producer a engineer, a manager,  maybe a hype man for shows. It not uncommon to see a rapper with a bunch of people with him. A writer is alone hense the stereotype of writers. They are perceived as introvert pushing their thoughts out with their pen and rapper are extrovert pushing their thoughts out with the voice. Poetry sits on the border of both.

After awhile it gets sicking to be alone with these with nooone to ask what i get into because they dotn have a craft or vocation they passionate about. And if they do they just want to talk about them. I haven't heard anyone say" so what have you been working on ?" or " do you have anything new ?" I am not an artist because it sounds nice or because its a quirk i can get clout from. Its something i live. Its kinda how people feel about gay people. Saying that they only do it because its popular or its quirky. But these people have a life they have to live and struggle they must overcome. Its not all gay sex  this or gay sex that its literally a lifestyle. And imagine if they dont know any other gay people and they have to just have these emotions alone and have noone to vent to this is the same thing im going through. Thats probably why i defend them besides the fact they are human being they are just struggling in silence.

This is not my biggest problem but its a pretty big one. Art is how i express myself and i cant do that freely. I always have to assume another persona to just get through the day, weeks , months, years. And it gets tiring after a while and now its one of these times. Its no battery in my back just me.........suffering in silence.

I dont think yall heard anger i dont like shit

I want to get people killed more on the hand to hand level  just choke the shit out of them until they stop fucking breathing. OR stomp some one until I see blood. cut some one open either until they insides come out. I want so many who look at me like Im not a threat dead, by my own hands. shoot someone just because it will be quick  to take a life. Im tired of not being token serious. The only time people get serious until some thing drastic happen. I wAnt to shoot up a school or some thing so bad but its something I cant do. I don't have a gun. That and the fact I cant get rid of a body that's stopping me otherwise I will been a murderer a while ago. I hate being here so going to jail is not even a thought I will kill myself as soon as it become some thing as threat. This is been building for so long while I've tried to be righteous and upstanding this feeling been deep inside of me. People don't see It because Its two different thoughts. one side want to kill everything in my path and slit motherfuckers throat. The  other side want to help people and heal the society they causes people to  lose it in the way im describing but its no help or harm yet I just gotta walk the tightrope of the middle lane.

straight from the book

"Recently I brought a book about writing emotions and realized I haven't wrote about my emotions and realized I haven't wrote about my emotions in a while. I didnt't think I needed it. I thought I was fine...…. I wasn't. I started to feel emotionally unstable and  out of control of everything. But why? Why now ? Why so intensely? It even brought back self loathing to the point that they are coming out my mouth instead of staying in my head. Everyday I want to cut myself it doesn't go away its there to stay. I wish it would.

I hate vulnerability or Opening yourself up . I mean, I know the benefits of it. It a very relatability tool when it comes to relationships with people. If one can show they also know of a similar feeling then its easier to deal with. Us as humans feel like our pain is only ours and we are the only ones who deals with these issues. This is wrong, we all feel a certain way and go through similar issues But vulnerability comes with a price. The shield is down and everything can be felt. This is called sensitivity. In 2019 and most likely beyond, sensitivity will be considered weak. I honestly doubt any other ideal will change this in the near future. I, for one, am  tired of this process of lowering my guard for art  just to be  relatable and not being able to pull my guard up in time to survive in the outside world. So I get hurt by the simplest thing because my blinders are down and I take everything personal. I know I'm not suppose to but unfortunately I fail at that department. I hurt myself inside enough, I don't want to be hurt from outside sources as well.

For an example, My stepmom birthday passed and I didn't see nor get her anything for her birthday. This bothers me to the point where I avoided my dad side of the family not out of hatred but out of shame. The thing is her birthday was in October. My mom side is different. I don't interact with them. I don't even like their pictures on Facebook not because I don't like them. I love them, its just I feel ashamed due to the fact of being away for so long. I haven't seen them or talked to them since Christmas of 2018. I've been busy with just being an adult and trying to do it all on my own.

The point I'm making is I stay to myself to not get hurt because I'm too sensitive then I get wrapped up in me. I see the old habits of the past, the habit of being a hermit and being so closed in. So I'm trying to do the opposite and open and try not to become unstable. Its a cycle of using that escape seem small. I'm optimistic and can handle it for now but I can see me having an episode if I give up. I'm not giving up. just constantly hurting." 

Notes from the lost son

At 27, I have the constant need to "be a man".  I feel for so long i've been a child , a boy, so I have no choice to be an adult. Well a man.

A man don't ask for help. A man is not weak. A man should not fall victim to his emotions, Let alone show them. A man must be prideful. 

This is what I was taught to believe. So this forced me to put everything on my back and handle problems on my own. If I don't, I wouldn't be  a man and that's not something that cant be allowed. Ones manhood is something that cant be surrendered or submitted. This made me push god out of my life. I don't want to ask for help from another, let alone a deity that blessed me with all the resources I need to get better. Here's the issue though. If I never ask for help,how can I receive benefits from my resources?










I hada vendetta against god, once,because I was just born and I have to suffer through this by myself and how no one understood. That's when I was a boy now its not so much of a vendetta and more of a .....silent understanding. I dont hate him anymore or even mad but its more of not bothering him with my insignificant problems. This lead me to believe my problems, all of them, no matter how big or small was insignificant. There was a range for me to go off on. That way I could say "see god/jah/ universe ididnt ask you for no help at all. Arent you proud of me!  please be proud of me." Now I see my relationship with my spiritual father mirrors the one  with my earthly father. However while I can talk to my father here on earth and get answer , with the spiritual its not the same. I wont have a response. Its nothing to give me that confirmation that im doing a good job. For a while I felt like I wasn't because I wasn't trying my best and that pushed me to put more pressure on myself. This creates something I hate greatly:a damn cycle.


I push hard to get tired then want to push harder because I took a rest. Now with the knowledge I have to go back to work without receive any type of help I just feel like now I have to make up lost time. But one thing have to change I have to develop a stronger relationship with the spiritual. The one problem is: with manly mindset I have to submit. I have to be in submission in order to see that im not stronger than god or even strong as him. This is a difficult hurdle to overcome. One I was not ready for or even know how to get over








For another time in my life I am lost.

horacrux or summoning items

I leave all of this behind
just in case I die:
I have a blog.........well two
a journal
many songs (music)

Its funny im still misunderstood
its frustrating to know that no matter I do,I will be ignored
I guess the way I can get heard is to just talk about it ....but talking is draining  at the end of the day

Observer

As an introvert, its easy to forget to recharge and get time alone. Especially giving the face that humans are naturally social creature. Every now and again, I need to be alone .....with people.......Let me explain.

The packed bus became more packed as a second disabled person in a wheelchair made their way upon the bus. The woman a few seats looked like a girl I knew back in middle school. My crush in 4th grade to be exact. "Tamika ....Tamika....." I struggle to remember her last to confirm my suspicions. The man who was previously hitting on the woman who was sitting behind me walked up to her. With minimal effort, he got the number of my supposedly ex crush. It had to be easy for if that was my crush she let herself go. She looked sloppy, uncoordinated and lacking confidence. However I couldn't judge. Life fuck all of us up sooner or later. Its the price you pay for getting older.  Almost as soon as he got the number ,he hoped off the back door. As if he had a mission and his mission was completed. I try to get back in to my book. However the woman next to me made it a challenge by continuing to look out the window which was in my direction. Which made my peripheral vision go crazy. Almost on a paranoid level. She started to talk to the couple in front of me who had their son with them. He looked about 3 and resembles both his parents. His high yellow mother and braces wearing father. The three adults discussed places to live. Maybe that's a conversation if should have listened to but me and my girlfriend don't have a child so help for us is not giving. Our help is just being with each other. We have to tag team life alone.

I take in information. This world is a big ball of information that is shared by conversations. In business they call this networking. We all share little bits of things we heard, read, seen, experience. I have learned that older folks are quick to dispense their knowledge. Its as if they have an obligation to share with younger people what they been through so we don t make the same mistakes. This is how I learned so much. Books helped. So did other forms of media. Movies. TV shows. Articles. etc. But just listening to the world helped in ways I couldn't imagine. Also with being an writer its perfect for dialog and storylines. This is why so many of my stories feel real being they probably are.

A big thing that cool about people watching is the fact I don't need that much to do just to go to a populated area and let the show begin. This could be a way for me to meet friends if I need to. Being this ghost who just watch is a comfort for me. It shows me i'm not the only one with issues but at the same time I don't have to think about mine. However like most good thing it must end and I have to rejoin society. Its literally sitting on a park bench with a heavy book bag and finally putting that bag down and resting. Looking at the watch periodically because sooner or later you have to pick up the bag again and continued on your walk. My bag was heavy, my shoulders  ache and my back started cramping and my knees bucked.


I BROKE




Im now looking at the world pass while i'm on the ground. Its beautiful but I dint want to be here. I want to go home. I don't belong














and no.....I don't know what can get me off the ground.  

Grow wing pains

The funny part about growing you have to do it alone even if you in relationship.

Me personally, I cant take too much energy without recharging. That's me. This whole trip have been draining and instead of getting the understanding I  desired. I'm forced to just get up and keep going. Yesterday had to get numb. Today it would be expressing but I can't because its not only my vacation and I don't have anyone else I can talk to without venting.

Nicki wanted to see me so she cant and it's upsetting
I'm tired of complaining to Juan
Phy just had his daughter
Patra over there stressing
My mom got family issues of her own


So I have to try empty all of my frustrations out on my blog and dairy before we reach destinations otherwise I'm going to snap sooner or later I can feel it building and I don't want to ruin any ones good times


Hell I don't want to ruin my own good time. Its a fun day planned so imma try hard to just be in the present




I didn't say it before but I'm proud of you regardless you trying that's all that can be asked from you
Just breathe

numb

"Take me to another place, take me to another land
Make me forget all that hurts me, let me understand your plan
Take me to another place, take me to another land
Make me forget all that hurts me, let me understand your plan"

I know its unhealthy but I'm tired
I'm tired  thinking with no one  throw my ideas at
I previously talked about freedom but i can't see a light at the end of the tunnel



*Finish blunt


I need to write. This is almost sickening. If I don't do this daily and i mean daily i do not function. I have truly given my time to the wrong thing. i could be focusing on something i need to do but i cant with back and forth emotion and conflicting ideas. So i must write even if i write and smoke or learn how to smoke then write. My thoughts always go back and forth with alot of thoughts and i feel the need to tell someone. I keep forgetting that humans are a social creature. Its almost annoying. I have the need to SELF EXPRESS





Another annoying ass concept that's like a fly in my mind. i have  A FEAR to express myself so i will never be FREE. That feeling of not being understood is worst than rejection to me. Some one can disagree and it will be cool because its subjective, one is allowed that right. But to not understand is the equvenlant to verbal hopelessness. That feeling that no matter what it will never be understood. Obvrsly one would have to get more than one way to get their point across.

*10 mins later

Sometimes i wish i can type the speed i think so many things would be put down . Like currently im listening to the lyrics of this song

Its like a story with a point but the point wasnt made clear. and that maybe the biggest differeance between people and art. Now if art is understood or not it can give a view and with this technology, i can look up the lyrics meaning or just listen to the song over and over again until i get it. PEople are not like this. You cant look up why a person feeling like this or what is this person talking about. In order to do that you must know the person. One must Learn their history, behaviors, mannerisms, habits etc . I dont have to explain how hard that is if their is no communication. And once again communication must be clear and understood. See the problem with being misunderstood. Because like art someone can take minsinturpted something due to their preception.

The swatiza is now commonnly assoiated with the nazis but it have history in Indian relgion. IT means good luck . Now it a symbol for the aryans .  Now a misinformed person would go to India see this 

and be confused or even outraged. So lets imagine the Indian people telling the history of the symbol and people only understanding from their own pov. It seems like that has took over alot of people eyes.

Jazz

So, I was younger,I would often go to sleep to sounds of Nina Simone tapes. I would remember my green and grey radio with a cassette player and around 830 ( my bedtime was 9) I would play the tapes. When 9 o clock rolls around and the lights were off, I would let Nina serenade me to a peaceful slumber. Until the tape would stop, then I would have to switch it to the b side and let that side play.

Despite the limited chances I had to listen to her music I would always try to. Really couldn't figure out why her deep but feminine voice would always stand out to me. It was powerful yet soothing, As a strict mother or an overly concerned girlfriend. I loved it until I grew tired of my mom's limited collection of it. Around this time hip hop came more into play and I gravitated towards that but I always had a connection to jazz.

That whole era of 1950s -60s was intriguing for me. I wanted to play the saxophone (John Coltrane) , I wanted to tap dance(Gregory Hines), I wanted to do poetry(Langston Hughes), I wanted to be a writer(James Baldwin) I wanted to do all these things. However it wasn't as available to me, the only thing that was available was rap.

Hip-hop didn't have an appeal to me at first. Don't get it twisted no love hip-hop and many aspects of it now but back then not so much. It was negative in your face brash and pompous. It was filled with narcissistic and violent energy. It expressed anger but not how jazz or poetry would. Poetry and jazz were like water and hip hop and rap was like fire. While one pushed in a forceful way, the other burned and left a path. Mind you this is only what's being played on the radio not so much underground nor indie artist. That aside I couldn't really find anyone who had a love for jazz as I did so I moved to the fire.

However, the love of the fire was necessarily enough for me, I craved water in some aspect. Why I gotta punch a nigga in the face all the time? Why can't I just chill? Why we gotta shoot niggas? Why can't we listen to words and think ? Income Lupe fiasco, a hip-hop artist that seem to blend the cool waters with the raging fire and make a steam room to sweat the problems out.



Pardon me I digressed.


My love for jazz and the Harlem Renaissance as a whole stems back from my childhood. It always reminded me of a simpler more peaceful time. Before all the responsibilities, mental issues, daily struggle and self-destructive habits. With me slowly (SLOWLY) approaching middle age I look back at it fondly. It feels like a piece of me that I was looking for my whole life. the cool, calming water that would become an oasis in the heat of life. I now use it to write and try to let my imagination get back to who I was, who I am and who I want to be.