Less is more

Lately ive been focusing on me. Using my research skilss to be the best person i can be.....and i still fail...in the biggest way possible. I let a issue thats been in my life for years slip by my fingers and get out of control. I always took my anger as just who i am its a part of my personality. I felt as if i didnt have it i wouldnt be funny or as over the top. Basically ill be boring. However when it comes to the point where people are scared to talk to me because they dont understand thats when its a problem. Lets take it all the way back back in the days when i was a child now dig if you would this picture, a child who vent frustrations and when he did he was label "crazy". Terrible i know but did anyone else fuck with me ? No. For a while i just didnt want to get fucked with but as an adult , and given the career choice im in i have to be approachable. I dont want talk to the angry guy why would i believe someone else would. Then saybnoone understands me. It dont work that way. I can be angry there are lots of things to be angry about but at the right place n right time. Misplaced anger has been my problem for a while. I must direct to the source or make a 16 or something because i feel terrible about letting it go on the wrong person......especially someone who i truly love and dont deserve.

I can say with no self deprivation i feel like shit.

Writing.....litterally what i was writing

The worst part about self destructive habits are they are constantly working against you which means if took care of in a timely fashion they could turn volatile and explosive.I personally have 3 in a physical sense. Cutting ,excessive smoking and drinking. The urges to do so grows . Some days the control is real good others....... Its hard to get off your mind. Its like hearing over and over again "Do it DO IT" not just from your mind but your body. Another self destructive habit i have is isolation of everyone close to me. As explained in my song "Almighty Push "its best to hold all the feelings inside.Its terribly difficult to escape your mind. i was getting so good at it before it has to be a variable that changed. Maybe its fact that now i dont listen to music more. However this brings up another  topic.Why do people still believe depression is a choice we believe in 2018 that orientation is a choice but an actual neurological disorder is told to "just get over it". Like its just a bad mood and yes in this day and age things are often exaggerated so to some people a bad mood They would consider depression.This is detrimental to people who actually do have depression. It make people believe its just that easy to get over when that is furthest from the truth. Its is a constant battle that at times seem unbeatable.Its that nagging friend that comes over uninvited , eat all your food and leave a mess all over your house. Your left starving empty and have to clean up your house by yourself. Its that splinter inside your mind that if you mess with it will only get worse so you take the discomfort because you dont want the pain to worsen. Simply put its a constant pain in the ass

Express 🚆 ing

This is my face when im chillin,content ,thinking basically anything not extreme.


                                          I hate that.

People tell me good news its that face. So i say words like congratulation but even sometimes my emotions inmy voice is muted. However i realize once i smoke.

You can hear my thoughts from me. You can see my emotions. you can feel sincerity of what i say. And i dont just say that because its weed i say it because for me it frees my mind so its plus for me.
However i shouldn't need a drug for me to open and express myself. Another reason that i found out that i really like being alone. For a while it was a bother but now going out by myself,chilling by myself watching shows by myself and now most of all reading and writing.

                             Especially writing
That has litterally been on my mind all the time even if its a song or a story. Just the feeling of a pen to paper idk its very........zen. Its like a form of meditation.



Funny ....it gives me solitude and a way to express myself.......

Artist words 2 (devine femininity edition)

The purpose

If it was obvious ive been watching death note i Just finished it today. I was thinking about my purpose the same way light had his.

SPOILERS

Heres the significance

Light wanted to be a god. Justice incarnate. Fine. To punish the wicked for the betterment of the righteous. They even said the crime rate went down due to kiras action. He done alot of illegal things to make things better. The ends justified the means. Now intent vs action thats another story and another post. But the point of this is to bring awareness to planing. By planning and trying to be a step ahead of everyone. Hes in control. He got as far as he did he only got stopped by a team effort, but he got as far as he did by looking ahead. Being with my "living in the moment, impulsive" girlfriend i slowly realized thats not me. Shes a go with the flow type of person. me ,on the other hand is very much a researcher someone who would plan with a purpose to get ahead. Now i can survive by adapting but i need a plan. I have to see where im going. I thought it was wrong to do but truely thats whats been holding me back. Not having a goal a view that i can go towards. I thought going with the flow will leave things open for me but if im open to anything then its best i work on everything ......but i dont. Its not enough hours or resource for that to be possible to me. I can start what i can do . instead of trying to wear all my hats at one time i take one hat make sure it fits and allow that hat to make room for another hat. Never forget i have these  interests but dont focus on all. Focus on just one at a time

Just

Gotta

FOCUS!!!

Artists words part 1

"But you have me now"

What is the point of having a significant order if they are not significant?

Or at least not significant enough to express feelings.

I got pushed to place where im numb but why???

Why is this happening?

How can this be fixed?

Where can i go?

When will it stop?

The next question was gonna be who can i run too? But i know that answer but heres the main question

If a person already proved their self to be worthy of holding secrets n creating comfort . why push them away?

Tbh i dont know. Its more of conflicting issues of what i did back then to what im supposed to do now.

" i did then what i knew how to do, now that i know better i do better" maya angelou

Thats where growth comes from doing something you should do because you know its right. So the time of ignorance is over its time to open up.........

One question tho

Yeah

How? In a mood like this opening up is the hardest thing.

The sane way it was done before.  Its a time to stop this pre conceived notion that helping everyone before helping my self is good or healthy.

" when the last time i called for some help that i couldnt get from no body else" Frank ocean 

independence and pride are two different things like ego and confidence. Pride comes before the fall,ego destroys all. There is nothing wrong with working for everything you have but when you need help you call for especially from your significant other. The one who stole your heart.. Yes she has her own drama and stress but thats what a parnership is there for.

Deeper into my mind

I always treated my blogs as a diary. I dont deny the fact that when things get hard i run to this. Its the only thing i can control. Like if i want this next line to be crossed in a representation of a line i dont want attention to be given to as a mistake but it was a thought.......i can do that.
If i want to change the color of the words i can do so shit i can even change the background 


Its the sense of freedom and control that i love and its a release of things. Funny when i first started blogging i did because ny favorite artist did it. But i started to use it as TRIGGER WARNING a long suicide note. Something that can be found that told all the feelings that i dont tell people. It wasnt a doubt in my mind that i was going to off my self at 21 on my birthday.....i survived the attempt. Then i tried christmas......another failed attempt. My last promise i made was for last year at 25. In my mind a pivotal age where things need to be in order for the future. I was going to try on my birthday and i was close  however i have too many people who actually cared on my birthday around me. Next was christmas but by this time ,my heart was stolen and when i feel that type of love im unable to do really anything. So here i am, 4 months from my 26th birthday and not one thing changed. I have more people in my life which would make suicide a lot harder to pull off. I might be more healthier as i stated before but anything else i dont feel. I still fell like a black sheep except when im with my heart. Which is why i love her so much. But even with her i cant even show her everything. Which in lies my problems with humans.....and probably why i would always vent more to paper,music or to a blog.....

Humans have their own problems and issues that they have to deal with.......

And i most times i love them too much to just dump everything on them. i rather either let it eat it up inside until it explode but even now......im older exploding is looked down upon.....im suppose to have control. So i vent to other sources. Hense why music and all the other shit is so fun i can be creative and free but here come reality reminding me i cant be free since i live in this society. You need money ,money comes with a demand, demand comes with popularity, popularity comes with self exposure and being introspective is not really being looked for. Well because they scared to look deep in their selves. And why not.......they have been traumatized and dont wish to look at it again "its in the past " or "its can be ajoke so i dont have to cry" its understood. Then they listen to their favorite artist talk about something they wish they can do. So they get lost in their fantasies. Just.......like......me. 

See im not that different.

"I see both sides like chanel" Frank ocean

I dont mind being an outcast it s the fact its treated bad when my mind is not here im not here because like everyone else i dont want to deal or even think about shit........but you smart so you have too......because YOU know better .... And that means you have something to say because you're special and things is supposed to change.

 "Please smile "

"Please"

I guess the fact that im human not supposed to kick in because it does. To hold everything and not to express anything that much is difficult. Because im a man who need to have control over his emotions and actions. These are social constructs true, but its  hard to not believe this if only for a lil while when you breaking inside and it shows but no one else does. WHY IS NOONE CRACKING UNDER PRESSURE WHY IS IT ONLY ME????? 

Which is why i hate my sensitivity.  Things affect me because its so easy for me to pick up on things. This makes attacks that other people can either dip or dodge or even ignore. But me, my weak ass dont have that luxury. I just have take everything that comes my way and just bounce back not really able to block.

So i ponder is this what my life have become ??

A series of hits that i bounce back from so when something big do happen ill be too numb to even care??? Issues i should be breaking down about i repress where as the simplest thing im crumbling slowly over. I guess pressure is pressure if you can feel it or not.