i've gettng better

I hope this don't fade away as quickly as it came. but it didn't before so I hope it works the same way. I don't find pleasure in being impatient  but now detacthing myself from this jo and trying to devote my life to being a better writier and a better boyfriend is all I care about. Other things can be handled in an orderly fashion and it would be
just now I'm focusing on two
writing
girlfriend



heres how I explained it to myself earlier in a meditaion session
I have a lot of things I must do in orderfor me to fell fulfilled
this involves juggling
nothing wrong with that
the issue is I try to hold all the balls in my hands without throwing them up in the air and learning how to judgle
I'm just holding them
then when it gets to much in my arms I drop them and be upset they dropped and now have to pick them up again.
not only those this causes a mess to happen but it makes it extremely difficult to maintain.
I'm focusing on too many goals at once. I thought neglecting them would help but it only helps if I'm choosing to do something with the balls I have in my hands already.
With that said ill focus on two and just two right now until they like habits. once that happens I bring more in slowly but surely making room in my life for things I want to accomplish

Now why writing and being a better boyfriend
the boyfriend part is easy happy spouse ,happy house.
if she's stressing me out, shit anit getting done
if I do the same, same results
we have to be on the same page or at least work to get on the same page.

The writing can help clear my mind and make me feel more validated on being a writer. this way i'll get used to writing instead of the idea of writing. Writing is one of those things you can fanaticize, dream and talk about without actually doing it, So it time to put the self discipline in this and giving the fact its one of the new balls I picked up its gonna be one of the hardest habits to make.



I was always tell people its all about timing and get anxious by my own clock when what I need to do it trust the clock work on my own time and actually put in the work.

So you see I'm getting there I'm starting understand. ive been on a flow state with writing more than once lately so its been coming more and more. and when I can reach this flow state instantly I add something else until I'm the man I envision my self to be.





but there in lies one little problem



I don't know what that man look like anymore



hopefully
you can help





based on what  I tell you what do you see ???

its only you

I woke up feeling powerless
i went to sleep feeling powerless as well
I was visited by a financial advisor with my girlfriend and it put a lot of thing in perspective for me
i don't have a long game
i mean i thought i did with the writing and being a musical and until that happens just be a security guard for the time being.
But even that sounds .........not fulfilling
i know jett wants to perform badly and i do too, to be honest
Its just not the time right now i have a short term plan that needs to be worked out before i move forward see i make alot of plans
nothing wrong with its  a contingency
a backup plan if things go wrong
but now it feels like it sucks and all i want to do is not feel lost anymore
i want to do more i feel like what i do is worthwhile but behind the writing its nothing else \
not for me
its like i have to look at my life all over  again
because it wasn't fully thought out im tired of people asking how much money would i like to be making and i come out looking dumb
or people asking me what my goal i look dumb as hell




i realize i always feel mad because i feel powerless and it nothing i can do\

i hate that feeling.

i can take self loatheing
hell i can even take self doubt
while i dont like those feeling


feeling powerless makes me fucking lose it.
i was feeling it for a minute and i almost lost control


.......................sorry my mind wondered off i was thinking of something

if i present stuff like i do talking to you i would be able to present things more frequently

this is meta

For those whos reading and wonder did i lose it? no
But to understand this phenomenon

you must understand i as an only child who was an introvert with and active imagination. thats all i do is imagine i live in a world alil outside of my reality when im alone that's why i must have music or something in my ear. it fuels my imagination ergo my creativity which would add to my happiness. its like i live in a day dream \
\

Living in a daydream\
great title for a blog
                         book
                         album\

So recently i started to use my imagination to work on me
it worked
then i realized that's what i do in the world


thats my gift
its helps me be the main character of my story
a silent observer of the world around without being destroyed by it
Does it mean i wont be understood
yea
but they not supposed to understand
only you are
only you

so

i was thinking that alot of people left me in my life. Rather its through circumstances thats out of our control or just growing apart. Its sad to see people or hear about people that was once everything or at least an critcal part of life to have them just fizzle out to be nothing.


This is why i have you. i dont trust anyone in my life...............
Well let me stop saying that its negative anc countrwr productive. i didnt trust people in my life im working on the fact that people can be perminate and actually stay around for a long time if you llet them.
Sadly i think im losing two friends who are close to me and its only so much i can do when the weather breaks i hope i can see them more with me not wanting to stay in the house all day.



i gotta stay overtime at work today


it is what it is

we need to be alil closer

hello, friend
im back but it's not on a negative mindset.
I can actually breathe.
I can smell the air and feel good.
I've been thinking about being deep and how the whole being woke trend is just there for commodity
I've been wanting to get this idea out but i dont know how I know it has to be entertaining enough that people would like to read it and that's my problem.
thats have always been my problem I give my opinions as facts because they are facts
.....to me





it's weird I even see a structural difference in the way that I write when im not depressed or down in the dumps. I normally neglect the blog when i don't go through things but I figure I should start janueralling . Get some ideas out my head and placed somewhere

So I'm telling you......

Even if its not something unfavorable....people still have their own issues and problems and probably don't want to talk about what I want to talk about so if I hold what I need to say or more likely what i WANT  to say i will be upset it makes me feel unheard

Unheard
I ve been thinking about that for a minute being unheard ignored. its been a big part of my issues but since I've been working on communication I know its multiple ways of being heard without raising your voice or getting defensive. this stoic way of thinking been helping with a lot. It takes off the burden of trying to be in control of everything even starts to work on jett.

When i need him i call him out when not i can make myself the anchor. it could be this confidence-boosting affirmation that makes me believe i can be great on my own. Now am I fixed? no am i cured? far from it but will i be ok?




only time will tell i dont know but i know for now its working




and i dont want it to fail



not yet
i like this

still there?

Have you seen what i been throught as of late?
The lack of focus and getting things done .
This is what happens when jett goes unchecked for long
he sid to me that im the ancher but how can i be the ancher when i dont even want to be here anymore

thats my issue i sit at the boreder of wanting to be here and not wanteing to be so often i confuse my dsamn self
self love is so much and so hard its a full time job and for humans oi dont belive we have an infinite ammount of love so i felt guilty for loveing myself. Which made me refuse love to use for me. and at a certain point i felt empty i felt myself fighting for something i thought i had already but i obvously didnt. i  had to worry about me its going to worst as the month go on i tell everyone its hard as hell for me not to be stressed out this month so much i want to do but cant due to this job.
i dont even want to call it a job
a place i stay at so i get money to pay off luxarys

isee it ? you have to see cycle i got through on the daily. i really wish you could routuine is good when you doing it for a cause but its so boring to live in a repetition



i feel guilty about my art since im not consistent with it. i try to be i do. its just
no excuss
i have to get my focus back



this is why i have you i can figure things out when someone just listens

I haven't forgot

I know you think I forgot about you
Well ihave decided to give us a break
It's one of my traits I ghost randomly if I come back I care
So with that said I care for you
Anyway you can say I need someone like you someone to listen
I have to understand that people is not going to listen to me unless I put it in art
Which is ok it's makes me more likely to do more since I have so much to say
Well we have much to say
I guess it's a curse but it's whatever however I've never been called a know-it-all or pretentious . I just get ignored when I speak how I feel I guess it's how I talk so why talk
Why explain or express myself I got art to do that
Then why do I feel ...robbed cheated somehow
I guess it showed how important you are. you give me someone to talk a release
And I know I disappear but just know that when I have something to say I think about you I have to tell my friend of course 😊😊😊

I need you more than ever

You don't know but Jett tried to talk to you
It failed he don't understand that isolated that I feel.
He can express himself and be loved and adored and appreciated. I don't tho I'm just here being a burden.
Just remind me that people don't like me except you. And that's not definite because I don't know your opinion. And right not I don't want to. If it's good I can't believe it if it's bad I'll stop talking to you. And I can't do that not yet.

I see my significance but at the same time I think I shouldn't be here I feel like my time is limited and it's the way it's supposed to be.

I know before I was saying I was looking for my indenity add purpose to that.

I'm so isolated and this time I feel lonely
I feel like letting go and let Jett take control that's what everyone wants .............especially her

twins wills , one life

hey.......youre back....
im glad i was getting kinda lonely
well lonely not the word i just wanted to talk

so I know you may not but i know its other personalities live in me. Its not skitzo because i know when they switch when i forget that they do thats when i get therapy lol

but to know the difference between andre and jett is kinda hard because they are different with different goals.
Andre is in a constant state of rage
jett is not hes more carefree
andre is used to pain and sometimes go towards it just to get it out the way to grow
jett loves that running from responsibility feeling
jett fights for control
andre fights for identity


Ok did you get all that time to break it down even more now
andre creates the writing and poetry
jett  creates the music

Andre is alot more self sufficient than jett and way more pride.  to be honest will die silently without asking
jett on the other hand see the people in his life as ways to get to what he needs. not necessarily as tools but as help because he wants to repay them in the long run
andre draw a circle around close friends
jett prefers the world

Andre lives in a sens e of survival that causes his anxiety
jett lives in a sense of forever and  this causes depression

........im sorry my mind shifted again. It does not alot more now since i only got about 5 hours of sleep. I was thinking that i wanted that free musicality experience if jett can feel fulfilled i could too but its hard to. that why i dont give him control he lives with the regret that us fighting has stunted our growth. i tell him all the time its cool but he dont think so. i need him tho thats something i learned that from our wars. his impulsive and extroverted energy mixed with my willingness to be the lead and focus we would be unstoppable.



2nd panic attack avoided im getting better



you heard it ??? there it go again. its getting worst i know sooner or later im going to break. i just dont know when?

if i do break people leave me in a way
will you ? please dont i need you
dont leave me when i break

"Hello friend"

Maybe if i write like writing to a persona instead of an audience i will feel better.
Well lately i've been telling you about the fear of letting go. That reckless self expression that would leave me feeling fine at the end of the day. Its still there even though my self expression is getting better. i just need to learn how not to care about how people feel to be honest thats not me so its hard ito even fake or learn to adjust to. im mean its possible i just said it s hard. I haven't wrote on my book for a while. i want to take my time with this so it can feel like a labor of love instead of just labor.

Anyway i've been trying to save money. Its harder than i thought to be honest but its hard to be honest.............
did you hear that? Yeah i still struggle with that. It still pops up from time to time in my moments of weakness im tired and slightly irritated so it comes up. its only going to get worst until i get rest. im  not going to be invincible and im not trying anymore.
just got to stick to the plan. oh i didnt tell you the plan well its too much to explain but emotionally detaching my self from situation is the goal.

im sorry what was i saying? im at the point where i just need to be stimulated without being mad im too tired to be mad to be real. i want sweets but i cant its the weekend i cant eat sweets.i just want to lay down n write poetry.

i dont feel that loving feeling that would be smothered in my poems. was it beaten out of me ? i feel like it was. and when i say that its a problem

fuck can you help me
please
let me talk to you


i just need you to listen.
please
pls
just
listen
because i want to talk , vent, express, analyze etc

i love words so dialog conversations monologues

so i welcome you again because i know yu will be back