Checks and balances

It's kinda crazy how much coincidence can affect your well being. After being completely broke, I made a budgeing plan after this disappointing paycheck just to be hit again with another disappointing paycheck I need another to get money because this living pay check to pay check is dead ..



(That it?)
Well what do you expect
(Are you gonna tell your plan?)
I don't think I'm going to keep repeating myself
(So you not going to at least let people in)
........ok
So I don't feel like I deserve to be happiness , I looked for a purpose I have that. I looked for  will I have that. determination grows everyday. I pray . I meditate. I have good karma . I have love. I focus on my art. I even have the fantasy of a good relationship play out on mutilple occucations. Still I feel empty. I smoke more I smoke less. I drink more I drink less. I get involved with spiritual. I get involved with mental. My emotional intelligence grows. I Even workout . It's no point of being here as far as I can see everything is temporary anyway (nothing last forever) I know (I'm agreeing ) ok well I'm broke but I'mma make a way . I getting a hold of my stress I'm still snapping tho(my bad I'm trying gain self control ) and if we all going to die why not speed up the process I'm impatient and tired of waiting.  So after my projects are released I might as well end (you know what I think it is ) here we go what is it? (You want love) .......... didn't we just say we have a fantasy relationship ( exactly a fantasy.  as fun  as that was we both know it's not forever) I shouldn't need a person to be happy (I never said happy ) or to feel complete (lies you love that feeling of being needed. you also like the feeling of protecting and providing. it gives you a sense of importance they will love you and they would be significant to you the same way you will be to them. ) ...................( Just think about it when you think of a relationship you don't think about just the sex or the passion or even the dates, you think of just chilling or being around that person. You like that feeling that a person loves you and you only and completely. And with that you would love them more. Constantly trying to find out as much as you can to love them even more. A deticated friend who don't mind your space but at the same time would would love to be with you. You love the attention but you also love to give it as well you love that safe person to run to when times gets hard n you love being that shoulder to cry on . Face it you want love ) ...............damn you right but I can't find that ( I understand because you don't want to manipulate  Im just saying give it some thought it's not dumb to let your guard down sometimes) so my emotional intelligence have grown  (yes it's best to be about resolutions and trying to find results rather just complaining about it ) sounds like me 😏(it's called growing up 😏)

"Love that could be from a different world"

freshcuts (Raw Emotions)

im not gonna really correct anything i say wrong when i write this. just enough to be understood im tired of crying. I've added god in my life ive thought positive i started to open up (and was swiftly reminded why closed up in the first place.) I've wrote songs , I've smiled more i stayed away from liquor. i even had the comfort I begged for. what ruined it was the fact that it's temporary but even life is temporary (so just enjoy.....,) No fuck that why must it be temporary why can't it be forever (maybe you are a brat😒) et tu ? (,I have to keep it real) anyway isolation unlike alot of people kinda makes me feel better. And while I appreciate my friends to turn being social on and off is not just confusing it's irritating (It needs to be.....) Shut up because you are sleep half the damn time leaving me out there to do the talking I say something stupid n get left to be embarrassed.....................\

............(feel better ) ........kinda not really 100 tho. To be honest I just want to rap (smoking on double mint to get double the pleasure ,whether, or not its consider clever/ to never not get better/ you know your passion never/ leave you out to dry just believe your eye)  thank you I learned the funniest thing about DETERMINATION. it pushes you thought its the focus I mentioned before. you would think that ok since he got that he would be fine. nope because I cant be stuck on one goal I have too many things to focus on at once. I really  cant live in the moment I have to be moving, multi tasking killing two birds with one stone. I was got some wins out on injustice against my sensai of gaming. it happen because I didn't accept defeat even if it was close. I envisioned word like  DETEREMINATION, HOPE,WILL, CONFINDENCE. ...................................(you know its funny just earlier we was the discussing the problem we face with : the knowledge that ultimately nothing I do matter im a speck of dust on an old planet.)Hope is pointless with each breath we take we get closer to death your life wont matter if you are dead. What's the point of trying to enjoying your life if its gonna end and as stated before im begging it to end(......and the ability to make a purpose ) yea and.....(im just saying you pushed through and fought hard on a game when it depended on because you wanted to win. why not do it in real life have that same mindset let me set a fire for you to use)yea that was the plan before but when you get in control you become unstable .....I wont let you ruin us again.....(well try to keep me from being unstable ...........are you shutting me out ????) this is getting too meta ( no don't run from the question J3tt ....are you shutting me out?) its for our own good (whoever reading this is gonna think your crazy.......just know while you might like being cold and analytical....people don't love that side of you ) well they have to learn how to deal (then how can I be accepted if you don't show me ) the ones who will see youwill be the special ones ...you saw what happened with ....her (your hurt .....you know your hurting ....and you choose not to help your self ....literally you was told before you are always in your own way )








...........

the darkness cuts deep
I like the pain
I can accept it
being alone with myself is fine
but what if you all alone




without your self

Sun Gemini moon Libra

yesterday i took pictures of my self and came up with the idea of taking another one at night when i get off. It was supposed to represent the duality of my signs. The day picture was going to be smiling the night was going to be a more melancholy picture. Ironically it happened without my control, After getting off , late i might add, i got off the bus and started laughing almost hysterically nothing was funny i wasnt thinking of anything, i was literally just laughing then my mood changed i tried to  keep laugh to keep the strong facade i had up but i couldnt ......i broke. suddenly tears came i tried to stop but more i did the harder they came . i felt it for so long but didnt mention it. i missed it ... i missed comfort. Now alot of people would hear this and ask many questions , they will not be answered for the simple fact that comfort is something that us humans need.Harry Harlow did research and experiments with this. Its not a miss my mom type of feeling(i do but its not the same) its more of a support system type thing. That feeling hey im here for you or do you need a hug or more "controversial " affection. Lately their has been a lack of intimacy in my life not sex, intimacy. The difference of having someone who wants to be in your life compare to someone who can take it or leave it (but you do the same ) yea but i dont push people away (was you pushed away ?) felt like it. I want what most friends cant offer, a kiss, a touch, careless Whispers(sound kinda feminine to me my g ) well it might be having both in me you're gonna get one more than the other some times (....) i dont expect my friends to do this but.... i guess a hug... is needed? Idk. To keep it blunt and to wrap it all up, we all need comfort a feeling that everything gonna be ok. (sometimes the strong can  keep it all together but its better to know you have someone at a moments notice that can help you put it back when things fall apart ) Wife goals

But love is not in my plans

(at least not yet )


Being alone (and single) sucks

(dont cry.)

Shinra Tensei

To push people away is never my intention. However being that im doing sos (so i gotta call for help but this sos im calling gotta be answer by myself) The introspection( i like that ) thanks, i have to push people away.Its easy a thing for me to do for real to just push people away. Most times its not on purpose or even because i dont want you around trust me i do (some times we crave it ) yea but to beg is never what i would do (ok question not long ago you said you would be more social what happen? ) well for the sucidal feelings came while driving. the feeling of having that much power of someone life made me lose focus and ive been having focus lately. so ironically i found out holding everything in is hurting but im so scared to make a connection because i know how fast it can be destroyed and noone is permanent and its best to think about you (still thinking about ......) yes (let it go ) i will



in my art



but for now

everyone get away

SOS

Sos is a project that shows a growth in me that's been happen from 23 to basically 25. The story is very loosely based on the story of Jesus where i died(metaphorically) and was risen again. Each track offer a different view on the same concept death . It really seemed as if i was truly discovering things about myself while making it.Slowly i realized that this is a very potent way i can show whats in my mind (Regardless of the abstract imagery sometimes).is all needed for me to accept me for all that i am and all i have. if this was alchemy(another concept i thought about while working on this ) this would be consider nigredo. The blacking. This stage is basically deconstruction and burning off all impurity. By the end of the sos series  i should be gold or have obtain the philosopher stone. As the great poet Saul Williams said :

“We are unraveling our navels so that we may ingest the sun.
We are not afraid of the darkness.
We trust that the moon shall guide us.
We are determining the future at this very moment.
We know that the heart is the philosopher's stone.
Our music is our alchemy.”

i wish i could go more into it. but i dont want to spoil the project 

just remember the fire 

the darkness 

is 

not 

always 

bad

Prayer( Phobophobia)

So i tried prayer for the second time today. The only prayer i could think of is "jennys prayer" from forrest gump. (The dear god make me a bird so i can fly far ") yea that one i was trying to think of something like something like thank you for waking me up. I don't know if its because i've been self sufficient for so long that the thought of thanking an omnipotent being is difficult. or what but it has been a challenge to even open up with people let along a god. the last thing i need is people coming up to to me and saying they can teach me how to pray. Christians has a different way of prayer. the whole "Heavenly father we come to you as a broken man please fix my wrongs and make me whole" that thing just doesn't appeal to me. A conversation with  god i really got to know you to talk (how to know god ) meditate? (ok do you) kinda  (why not) i dont know to be honest i cant really sit still. i don't think prayer is the answer (whats the answer ) love is the answer ( this nigga ) no look (no self love is more important ) ......( that's the problem its not a girl , its not art, its not even god. Its you) i cant tho (you just don't want to you. have to stop that and put yourself first ) but why when i dont care about (living? you dont see that as a problem ) no it give me no fear ( Fear?  thats what you dont want) yes (phobophobia) call it what you want ( why are you afraid of fear ) fear makes you weak ( so you dont want ot be weak ) no ..... not anymore ive done it for so long (know you know what to work on ) what  is it ? (come to grips with your fear and  vulnerability is not weak ) i cant do this shit alone ( well you have to nooone is gonna help you ) \





(never)

Allow me to reintroduce myself

 I was wondering why am i being anti social on social media platforms. well for one i was anti social period. Still kinda am on the low im very selective on i have conversations with. Small talk bore me so i wont always involve myself in it. however i know how to be social and in order to be an artist  i have to use that social aspect to prevail . The reason im liked as a person is because im open and i make people fall in love with me with words alone. i can be real joy to be around and sprinkle some real shit every now and again. i went through the artist stage  you know the dark brooding mysterious character because i thought that was a way i can be more logical so i found out how to be both ( so you found out how to..... balance?)  basically. To balance my child like nature with my adult sensibilities. Now i  haven't mastered it yet but im getting a hang of it. I can be friendly because iam naturally friendly (you what i think this is) wah gwon  (i think this is a way to hide your dark side) .......😏 (you sneaky bastard) what? i didn't think of this alone but i kept seeing the future and how it plays out and me being passive and quiet is not gonna be easy for me to grow. My sun, mercury and Venus is in Gemini. that's all communication how you gonna find the one if we dont talk shes not just gonna fall in your lap. (true ) look we are a flawed fucked up individual (lol individual ) but we have a beautiful dark soul that can be shown (and the plan??)  if it happens it happpens if not we keep going ( im with you ) really ?? ( of couse i just don't want to be pleasant all the time i need time alone too) most definitely that can be arranged ( pinky swear 😏) who's the bastard now ?😔

i should have never been released

i walk down the street see people and think how could they die, how could i kill them, how can i kill me or kill them all. Thoughts of homicide,suicide,genocide have plagued my head for a decade and now since i cant be emotional(this  would be explained later) i have no choice to be majority spiritual and mental. my mental is the darkness its always been some things we do just make no logical sence. Love is stupid truly. i say that so many times you came in this earth alone we share it with another. idk that sounds stupid. but thats the emotion part that really want it. living is stupid to me to whats the point of living to die. now i know one answer is to experance this thing called life to get an perception for it ok if thats the case me dying should be ok ive lived right hell more than alot of other black men in the same predicament. i want to get high sober life brings this side out of me



"weed is getting boring now im looking for a new high"

i should have stayed in the hospital

dreams

I had a dream i was underwater. The only thing i had on my mind was trying to find new love or rather love in general. while searching i found a mermaid actually a group of mermaids. Now the thing is mermaid imagery was never really my thing. i never really got in to the lore of them or even found an allure to them. however i followed them down to the bottom of the ocean only to really find a solid answer on what i want. Right now at the moment of typing this i can not recall what was the definite answer but i do remember me being satisfied enough to wake up feeling good.

Another dream was more pragmatic. I saw myself be corrupted by the people around me. I was talking to some trusted men about women and the flaws with them and the only real advice i got from them was to say fuck them im young its in my best interest to just treat them like crap the same way they treated us. Now anyone who knows me personally knows i always try to make a reason on why the women treat us the way they do. Having sisters and females companions i see the fuck shit men do and realize that most times the men ways and actions play a big part on what makes a woman act a certain way. Not in this dream, in this dream i l fell more into victim role and said fuck it and treated random women like trash just fucking and leaving and having no remorse for my actions. i was the truest definition of a fuckboy.


now the second dream was a sight of what i could have been if i wasn't so attached to my moral when it comes to women. Being a fuck boy is easy its not hard , whats hard is admitting mistakes that what makes you a man but who am i to judge.
\\
\



i dont have a gavel.

dis connect ion

i don't really talk to anyone but at the same i have no problem with talking .....just not to humans
i love  dreams n they been increasing since ive been mediating kinda







ill tell my dreams





one day just not today i waited too long to write this n things got to get done




i might back to talking cryptic






its better that way (big krit)

Life and death

What fascinate me about life is death. I spend years to focus on the topic. Even wishing death on myself. i can't  really remember the solitary moment  when  this interest  peeked but i can assume that it was when i was watching a lil film on freak  accidents  that results in death. They said the odds of dying was 1 out of 1. This is the truest thing in the world. Ever since then I went on a search to find death. if I could find my old poems ive talked of death as a girl a craved(http://j3tttherav3n.blogspot.com/2015/08/the-continued.html) . I was nileistic, optimistic, hedonistic I was doing all of this due to fact I know i was going to die.("im impatient I want to get this over with") but I was afraid of life which backwards a lot of people are afraid of death but not me. this just gave me an I don't give a fuck attitude. Lately however after studying alchemy I see death as another chance of life. we all need to kill our self tho . not physically but with mental or even spiritually. we need new birth of course not all of us but its a great number of people I know who actually need to go through this process in order to grow. to let go off emotions that are toxic , thoughts that are toxic  and actions that are toxic. we all know this control how we run our lives. we think of things then put emotions behind it to have an action.. the fear of changing is what people the fear that this is the end, to be honest it is it is the end of the way they look at life. certain things wont appeal to you anymore. due to the fact you let that part of you die. just think nooone comes out the womb saying im going to be an addict it happens slowly over time due to various reasons and factors. these people leave rehab and start life anew. everyone have to look at life as this : we are all just one bad day away from going crazy. this would also help you stop judging people and the situations that they are in but also understand that we are one. it helps you becoming relateable to people just like pain. as you seen by my past blog post, pain and death is real close to each other both are needed in life










balance