Artists words part 1

"But you have me now"

What is the point of having a significant order if they are not significant?

Or at least not significant enough to express feelings.

I got pushed to place where im numb but why???

Why is this happening?

How can this be fixed?

Where can i go?

When will it stop?

The next question was gonna be who can i run too? But i know that answer but heres the main question

If a person already proved their self to be worthy of holding secrets n creating comfort . why push them away?

Tbh i dont know. Its more of conflicting issues of what i did back then to what im supposed to do now.

" i did then what i knew how to do, now that i know better i do better" maya angelou

Thats where growth comes from doing something you should do because you know its right. So the time of ignorance is over its time to open up.........

One question tho

Yeah

How? In a mood like this opening up is the hardest thing.

The sane way it was done before.  Its a time to stop this pre conceived notion that helping everyone before helping my self is good or healthy.

" when the last time i called for some help that i couldnt get from no body else" Frank ocean 

independence and pride are two different things like ego and confidence. Pride comes before the fall,ego destroys all. There is nothing wrong with working for everything you have but when you need help you call for especially from your significant other. The one who stole your heart.. Yes she has her own drama and stress but thats what a parnership is there for.

Deeper into my mind

I always treated my blogs as a diary. I dont deny the fact that when things get hard i run to this. Its the only thing i can control. Like if i want this next line to be crossed in a representation of a line i dont want attention to be given to as a mistake but it was a thought.......i can do that.
If i want to change the color of the words i can do so shit i can even change the background 


Its the sense of freedom and control that i love and its a release of things. Funny when i first started blogging i did because ny favorite artist did it. But i started to use it as TRIGGER WARNING a long suicide note. Something that can be found that told all the feelings that i dont tell people. It wasnt a doubt in my mind that i was going to off my self at 21 on my birthday.....i survived the attempt. Then i tried christmas......another failed attempt. My last promise i made was for last year at 25. In my mind a pivotal age where things need to be in order for the future. I was going to try on my birthday and i was close  however i have too many people who actually cared on my birthday around me. Next was christmas but by this time ,my heart was stolen and when i feel that type of love im unable to do really anything. So here i am, 4 months from my 26th birthday and not one thing changed. I have more people in my life which would make suicide a lot harder to pull off. I might be more healthier as i stated before but anything else i dont feel. I still fell like a black sheep except when im with my heart. Which is why i love her so much. But even with her i cant even show her everything. Which in lies my problems with humans.....and probably why i would always vent more to paper,music or to a blog.....

Humans have their own problems and issues that they have to deal with.......

And i most times i love them too much to just dump everything on them. i rather either let it eat it up inside until it explode but even now......im older exploding is looked down upon.....im suppose to have control. So i vent to other sources. Hense why music and all the other shit is so fun i can be creative and free but here come reality reminding me i cant be free since i live in this society. You need money ,money comes with a demand, demand comes with popularity, popularity comes with self exposure and being introspective is not really being looked for. Well because they scared to look deep in their selves. And why not.......they have been traumatized and dont wish to look at it again "its in the past " or "its can be ajoke so i dont have to cry" its understood. Then they listen to their favorite artist talk about something they wish they can do. So they get lost in their fantasies. Just.......like......me. 

See im not that different.

"I see both sides like chanel" Frank ocean

I dont mind being an outcast it s the fact its treated bad when my mind is not here im not here because like everyone else i dont want to deal or even think about shit........but you smart so you have too......because YOU know better .... And that means you have something to say because you're special and things is supposed to change.

 "Please smile "

"Please"

I guess the fact that im human not supposed to kick in because it does. To hold everything and not to express anything that much is difficult. Because im a man who need to have control over his emotions and actions. These are social constructs true, but its  hard to not believe this if only for a lil while when you breaking inside and it shows but no one else does. WHY IS NOONE CRACKING UNDER PRESSURE WHY IS IT ONLY ME????? 

Which is why i hate my sensitivity.  Things affect me because its so easy for me to pick up on things. This makes attacks that other people can either dip or dodge or even ignore. But me, my weak ass dont have that luxury. I just have take everything that comes my way and just bounce back not really able to block.

So i ponder is this what my life have become ??

A series of hits that i bounce back from so when something big do happen ill be too numb to even care??? Issues i should be breaking down about i repress where as the simplest thing im crumbling slowly over. I guess pressure is pressure if you can feel it or not.

nothing left to say

i feel lost 

i want   to go home

Home is based on perception. 

and i don't have one 

anymore.

i have things i want but i dont want them 

man i don't have clue anymore 

im lost 

so fucking lost 

lost

Where ?? 

Where am i ???

Nothing special

this might be alil self deprecating........

but i think its nothing special about me. 

ok thats far from the truth. Iknow my talents. I know my strengths. I guess its more of  im losing faith that something big is gonna happen to me or that im  gonna reach the standards or quality of life  that  i set for myself. I feel like i might have aimed too high.

"Shoot for the moon so even if you miss in the midst of the stars is where you land " Curren$y

Understandable, but you can completely miss the target 

i feel like i missed my target. and the wings aka my faith have been plucked. im just losing hope that im going to make it . im know i can adapt its about prevailing n being more. and i dont feel like i have more or even if its more in store that should even be shown. like why ??

Why???

nothing will be the same

I dont know how to feel. 

i dont know how to express how i feel. On one im so happy for everyone around me but at the same time i feel left back. it could be a brief feeling due to fact of being unemployed . or the fact im not making the moves that i feel i should be making as an artist. it just i dont know i feel lost. i guess a person like me needs to be productive. I DO NOT FEEL PRODUCTIVE i dont feel important, its not depression its mellocoly well more of boredom.  i dont want to be social but im being forced to be if i get to inverted it will cause problems. i just...... feel .....im stuck.....still in the spot i was at in 2017 n 2016 alil more healthier but life wise im stagnant. so for everyone else nothing will be the same. but for me its allways the same

you should quit


never that again i just got to move different just how

how ???

The more i think the more i want to writes

I can write emotion but its always seem to not come out the way i planed. I write with so much precision that it get in the way of the emotion that i want to get across. Thats why sos was such a challenge for me to write. I can't really say how i feel i can write about it in great lengths using metaphors alliteration even some times great imagery but to just say it?...... I dont know it seem like a great hurdle for me to get over. I really live inside my mind and it only got worse over the last few days being unemployed and sick. Just give me time to not access my full range of emotions but just stay locked in my head. Its easy to relate to you but to have someone else try to do the same its a lil difficult. So i have the blog....... I mean that's whats it's here for right???

yolo=dwtw

you only live once
so why not do what thou wilt

I  don't need money. I just need my freedom.

a girl who haven't felt love

and my art

Mon-fri

1 week to change the whole life. After my epiphany that i cant work anywhere for money, I learned I have morals and its time to stand by those morals. I always had it but now i carefully try to make sure what i do follow those ideals i have. One of those morals are I will not do something I don't feel comfortable doing. I no longer feel comfortable in the food industry. its the fact im serving people or the fact that im serving people food that does not apply to me food places have the worst mangers( the irony ) I know. but im done with this field I been a part of it for literally years and I hated it ever since the beginning. so hopefully this would be a new journey for me to take before I leave the job force for good ..........

Vulnerability

Through my eyes glossed with tears i  pour words that i wasnt Strong enough to say to any other human to a page. Because i know it wont talk back or judge me. Im not ok vur i will not place my burdens on any other soul. I know they have their personal struggle and some are much greater than mine. And they do not understand i look up at them as sooo strong way stronger than me. I cant handle or even begin to even fathom. Now this will make realize my problems are not as bad as i thought.t han why am i crying? Why am i hurting? Why do my mind torment me like this? Why do the secrets i contain in my brain grow past a point of discomfort to straight pain ? Why do cry? How im getting by ? Why when people ask am i ok why do i lie? I just need support i need help for this to end........

Hey im pretty sure yall wanted me to write /create soo......

Create or destroy

Or 

As the days go on i feel the urge to smoke less but to cut more i know its just a reaction from doing that habit for so long.

I need a good long endearing, sincere ,loving ,caring embrace without the threat of being caught or the feeling that this is wrong. I just want to be held but thats hard to ask for if you good externally but internally im slowly breaking. Maybe due to nerves. Im starting a new job finishing an old one . a new Project being released . a new look i have to dedicate too also a new person who trying to be my significant other. Alot is happening n its a tad bit over whelming. But i guess these bottles would have to work. And i not to mention my insomnia coming back.......

Like i said 

Ssometimes you need comfort........