Who am i

I honetly dont think you realize what goes on in my mind on a daily. This is a struggle for me each day i dont know who i am. My depression took a big chunk of my life. Everyday i act however i feel everyone wants me to act and its easy ive studied people for so long its easy to copy. I dont get to say what ibfeel or what i think people would not get it and i dont want wish to be alienated anymore idk if im born to be introverted or if i made myself introverted and in the back i hear the repeated sound of not get hurt not to get angry not to let the emotions take over. I want to hide but i cant i want run but i cant i want to make all this go away but i cant n im scared that my life is gonna be like this forever

The joy of anger

Anger comes from pain.
Even if it's self afflicted or otherwise anger comes from pain.
If you have an anger addiction you know that joy. That feeling of release when you lash out rather lash out on people close to you or not just that blind fury. Its soo exhilarating. it gets your adrenaline pumping.
However explosive anger like that is dangerous. Not only would it get you in to trouble ie fights, cops come ,arrested or killed it just not something people want to be around. Before you know it you pushed everyone away with your anger.


For me on the other hand lately i craved loneliness. I always get the feeling. Like if i clone myself i will be straight i want someone to understand with no judgement and even if no judgement comes its still no understood which makes me want to turn to drugs or other vices so i can be fine here. In this ......"world" i look down i look up and see nothing new. I tried meditation and thats the reason im not cutting myself a great blessing if i say so myself. But .....idk i lot of people i know i working back to the top me on the other hand i dont know what its like. I never tasted it the only thing i tasted was defeat. So much so i studied it i studied pain istudied death i studied depression. But not happiness or peace i just want it. And lot of people had it and lost it and i wont undermine my mirco sucesses or overlook my obstacles that i got over. But i litterally have a plan but its always something stopping and to be honest thats frustrating and it makes me angry. But lashing out is impossible.....
Im already on the watch list i can't be trusted with certain things
I thought about how much pain i was in. I wanted everyone dead everyone. I dont want to be that anymore i want to be ok i want sane i want to be.....happy. These masks are getting dirty why i revel my true face without being labeled a crybaby or sensitive .......by my own damn self. I keep it all in because of my own psyche. I get beat in here just showing anytype of unpleasant emotion. I rather try to be emotionless that why i wont get that fear of being verbal jumped by my own mind. I dont even know who i am before the depression let alone after ....

Happiness is a state of mind and if my state of mind wont let me believe that happiness can stay with me what does that leave me. Responsibility is not pushing me to happiness trying to juggle what i want and what i need. Then to think of the fact that i have attachments to people so i have think about them.


I know its just being an adult. But can i at least have a reaction to something but no i continue to make money and rest up to make the same amount lets let this cycle continue

Magnum opus ????

So i brought a book of zen off my bro recommendation. The thing that kept me away from books like that was the fact they seem to useless. i would look up philosophers  and study poetry like rumi and understand it but at that age i was Like "yeah yeah we are all one ok we Must be patient yea graditude is the most important thing" but one noone related so they just became random facts. Since i could never get them out and two because i wanted to not be here anymore i didnt really care about it. Ironically, tonight i was putting all of it together and started realizing the weight of alot of those quotes that i over looked in the past. I was trying to figure out life to much in the past. I wanted to know the experience without experiencing it. Now it's different. I want to do something with what i know instead of being just an encyclopedia. You know its funny alchemy (another form of study) and philosophy goes hand in hand (hense the philosopher stone) it took until now to get the connection. All of it is usefully when it comes to accomplishing a dream i wanted for a long time.


                                  Story time

When i was younger and i mean a young child i wanted the world to be a happy loving and peaceful place. I knew at a young age that  it wasnt and as i got older i started to realize it was going to get better. So i started to study human life i like seeing what makes people do the things they do. I went to biology (i wanted to be a doctor first) then i found out about the mind (i wanted to be a psychologist at this point) and eventually sliped into philosophy. That way it wouldnt just be one human but a group of them. Finally landing on astrology ,alchemy and other ancient teachings. The world became a playground at that point. I figured i knew everything about everything. As i grew older i found out thats far from the truth. I learned just because you know that 2+2=4 doesnt mean you know how. So just because i knew all these facts dont mean i know how to apply it. Especially to my life. After watching naurto i started to become enraptured by pain's philosophy of life. How we all need pain in order to grow. Thats something i lived  for a while without even knowing it. The cutting was the physical part. The self destructive nature was more spiritual and the negative mindset was the emotional and mental. I always say if a person is used to pain something heavy have to hit them in order for them to grow. This works so much with alchemy (favorite field of study ) to put something through great soul through stress in order for it to be the best it be.

"I was black as my soul i seen it as coal i turn it to gold"  -j3tt blizzi

And that was my dream to be a  perfect  person( a gold soul ) to show people its possible..........


This no longer exist as a dream of mind

As i said before my life path is number 9 (numerology putting everything together huh)
We are a service to the people so as a child my first thought to make the world a better place should and will be achieved!
How ?
Through art mainly music but art nevertheless that way i can get my point acrossed without sacrificing who i am.
The message?
To quote pain(from Naruto) "we believe that humans beings simply cant understand each other and they never will"
Pain and love is the most relatable things humans have. This can be something that can unite us and have us grow together. Raise the consciousness together as one. It will be possibly impossible in this life time but that wont mean i wont try my hardest.
Use alchemy to take pain and make love.I just want to bring peace .An added bonus is the fact i can see things from another person perspective.  So with their point of view i can see their pain

Everything in my life can be used for this i have a life mission
And i
Will
Not
Fail!!
THIS WILL BE MY MAGNUM OPUS!!!

Mars in aries (personal)

They are given to impulsive action, and they are not known for sticking things through. Although their physical energy is great, they can lose their initial enthusiasm quickly. Mars in Aries natives are easily irritated by indirectness from others.

I haven't really looked over my natal chart until today but one that really stuck out is the fire sign i have. For the longest i begged for a fire to spark inside of me and i had it at the most important place to have it. Lately i have been real focused on trying to have a social life again and juggle a career, a job and the risk of self destruction. I got some good advice from a my mentor of arts.

" its always best to have a solid foundation"

I know that  it dont sound so ground breaking but hear me out. I've only taught myself how to get up and when i build something normally it would have terrible foundation due to my indecisive nature.

 "Should i do writing or poetry ? What about photography and video? And what about the music? Should i produce or just rap? Should i go to a different genre??"

All these questions and more buzzed around my head which would cause me to knock the structure that was poorly built and start again. To me thats part im familiar with. Getting back up .....idont know.... i think i saw it as a badge of honor i can keep getting back up. As if it was showing my resilience but looking that not resilient.....thats stupidity. Its like having a shield and just standing on the battlefield holding up the shield. Yea its a great asset but if you dont move forword with it, its useless. So now with a mindstate to make foundation me being motivated actually come easy. I just needed a goal.... Which brings me to the original reason i wrote this ...... I dont have anything like nothing. I know its best to be grateful n i am. I have a job ,i have my cell phone bill paid , i always got a way to travel. But i .....want ....MORE!
Its not even in a greedy type of way its more of a i see others who have simple things and i feel likw im at a stage in my life where its perfectly acceptable for me to have or aspire to have these things. One of my goals was to leave a mark n if i cant do simple things like live how can i leave a mark ????? I want my own place, i want my own car, i want to get my own camera , my own mic , they will come tho and thats what im learning as long as i continue on my path. I will get it . ive made claims like this before but like i said, that foundation line really struck a nerve with me. So simple but so significant.  I'm gonna get it slowly but surely

Equalvalnt exchange

Work +time= steps ahead

421.......the day after

Whats better escaping or faith?......maybe i need to be alil bit more specific.

Ok

Lets say you're in a room filling up with poisonous gas. The gas would take at least a day for it to be effective. There is a sign in the room that tells you the gas will stop eventually but you will have to pull a lever at a certain unknown time to clear the air until then you cant leave.  What would do? Would you try to escape? Or would you put your trust in the sign and wait for the right time to pull the lever?

Sloppy scenario aside,alot of us go through this in life. We would be placed in a situation where its no way out and we would just need to be patient and have faith but faith is not really something that can be easily refilled. More about that later.

Another scenario you are working out everyday lifting weights. You start with 15lbs until they become light. The next day you move to 20lbs until they become light and so on. What if you didnt get that day of rest. What if as soon as you become used to the 20lb weight your trainer dont let you leave and you have to immediately jump to 25lbs. You gonna feel the burn of the 20lb work out and the new burn and strain of the 25lb work out.

Thats a better (in my opinion) way to describe life. Random occurrence that just make you feel like your faith in a better life is being tested.

                                                               .........it is
And it needs to be the further you get in life the more troubles you are going to go through. How the saying goes 'mo money mo problems'? but for the poor its more same money mo problems. This where both escapism and faith come in at.

Escapism is the reason why  alot of people use tree(weed , loud,marijuana, sticky icky,  that yea doe, collard greens , antidote). When you high you dont think about your debt or crippling depression. You mind is free to think about what you want and look at it from a different point of view and sometimes not think about it at all. Beside god's grass, its alot of things people use to escape. It could be video games, movies, tv shows, music and of course social media. These escapes help our mind relax so we wont be overwhelmed by our struggle and strain. However, everything works in moderation and sometimes we get consumed by the escape we never want to go back n solve the problem.


Back in the first scenario, i wonder how many would try to find a way out instead of waiting to just use the lever? This is where escapism fails and faith steps in. See we escape for a momentary rest a break from the workload we have to go through in life. Like the day of rest i said in the second scenario (see they all make sense it wasnt just random hypothetical questions) but the things is its for a short term. Faith on the other hand is very much long term.


Faith in ...anything can actually push and motivate you to keep going. Faith in a dream , a deity, a love one hell even faith in your self works. It makes you believe that the stuggle you are going through will not be in vain. You can see it in a lot of movies and tv shows. The character would be down on their luck until someone gives that character something to believe in (faith) and the character becomes extreamly motivated for their goal. The only drawback with faith is keeping it strong. We live in a world of stimulus and distractions so finding escapes is easy but the world can be very negative and if we dont see a silver lining faith will dwindle. once its low we would be left with our problems and escapes from said problems and more problems will be added on making us eacape more. The cycle will continue.

You know why people fail at working out. They focus too much on the now rather than the future. They feel like its not working and quit instead of having faith that it is working its just gonna take sometime. Anything we do its gonna take time and work to achieve the higher quality of life you want the more work and time it takes to get it. Its the law of equivalent exchange.

Anyway its escapes are good they like candy and junk food real good for the time being. Just remember sometimes to get some healty food in you. Be around people who will give you faith to keep going. Because anyone can make you forget your problem its another thing to have people make you remember your dream.

But thats just my interpretation of the situation

Now im going to continue smoking n meditating.

Holy trinity

I have holes in my shoes hole in my pants and jacket


Get it? "Hole-y trinity"

Yea i dont find that shit funny neither?
Its ironic tho. As much as i want comfort i trained myself for discomfort in essence I'll rather be miserable and think it cant get worse rather that it than be up n watch it comes down. The thing is ive been here before hell I've been worst. The days of black and mild ,skating n outside fucking that i said i long for yea those days i went through worst shit then but i was never up so it never affected me n half the time i was drunk so its not like i cared anyway. Whats even more ironic im not even tripping im oddly tranquil about this situation. I think its because im off so i dont have the feeling that i have to work on my back its a load off of me. And i have something i really need........ Time

Patience is key........i guess

Im my own damn fan

Im writing this out of defiance. With the rebelious sprit that only the child rebel solders can possess. I give up hope on alot of things. You can see it on my numerous post before . i must be running out of problems now they are starting to repeat myself. But its habits  i guess i can try to move past it.
Its one thing that sneaks in my ear every now and again and it is that feeling that a way out is better than the confinement that life sometimes put you in. Then im slowly realizing its not life its society. I have a lust for life but still believe im better off dead. That escape for me is what holds me back. I dont think im worthy for a life of glamour or happiness or even freedom. Now it can be said that i dont deserve since i dont work  for it i have a talent for writing and music  but dont promote myself due to my reclusive and sometimes pushing nature. I also dont feel worthy because as said before i wasnt supposed to be here. Im supposed to be dead and as i said above thats a escape that i craved for a years. So to actually plan my life for long term is pretty new granted its easy enough but a new experience.


My biggest thing is support i seek support from alot of people but myself due to the reasons i listed. I beat myself down for so long i was litterally my own worst enemy for so long that me standing on my own two feet is actually a struggle. That will power to keep going to have tunnel vision, not get discouraged is the only thing standing in my way. And if i can beat myself down i should be able to build myself . but that is the most difficult thing to do around people who let life beat them down and society beat them down so when they see someone else they do the same and beat them down. im in an elimination chamber and im waiting just to fight life society naysayers my demons and myself. I gotta fight alone and cheer myself on alone tell myself to get up alone. The only thing i fear now is

.......will i win? .... Will i survive ???

House not a home

There is an old saying that goes a home is where the heart lives well i feel homeless because of my current residence dont have that quality. Nothing in there can actually make me feel comfortable. Everyone in there have their own agenda. Which is fine but its more of a bunch of roommates rather than my stepmom dad and sister. Its not really what they do its more of what they dont do. Its like a empty shell where people come through. when we do have the chance to stop i seem to be the odd one out just reminding me that they are just the family im the third wheel. The outkast n ifeel like that om the outside i shouldnt have to feel that way in my own house. After i stayed in a place where love flows n things get done but that house is sooo .......tired . Exhausted. I dont blame them for that but it just makes me feell..........

Isolated

Beware the .......of march

Now i know the quote is supposed to represent betrayal n i feel like that fits forreal . March is a big birthday month for me a lot of. Important people birthday is this month so it would be only fitting being the person that i am to accommodate for it.

...........i couldnt

And to be honest it wasnt my fault with money issues and psychological  dramas i failed. I dropped the ball. Which in turn made me more likely to dwell on the fact that i did fail which made things even worst. By the middle of this month alone i have cut myself,  had a panic attack, smoked my self stupid even picking up the cigarette habit i put down. Most of all i do what i normally do when im stress i withdraw .Holding everything in until i explode that was the only non immediate self destructive behavior i can display and with a significant other its a big problem especially when communication is not a strong point . which is crazy i can talk i just cant communicate i dont trust many people with my feelings or emotion. "They would crush it sooner or later" i would always think. But it wasn't all bad i guess i do have a permanent job now. I do work full time but full time is also in the way of what i want tobdo but i need money to do what i want. Dilemma dilemma...........

Sensitivity

Regardless of what anyone says,sensitivity is not accepted. I will repeat sensitivity is NOT accepted. People dont look at sensitive people with the allure that they would look at a shy person. Its not a quirk,  its something that has to be beaten out of you. In this world, this hard cold world filled with so many harden children (they are children because adults are actaully find ways deal with emotions) they will destroy you if you show a sign of weakness ie sensitivity. Should we incorporate sensitivity more in school? No we cant because the world is still cruel and life is still unfair. Just deal wirh the cards that you have. So the only thing you can do is accept sensitivity. Accept that it exist and do what thy wilt.



But what do i know im sensitive

Im not the crying type 

However i do have emotions alot of them and i really cant express them as much as i want to or sometime as clearly as i want too.

And being a male does not make it any better. Almighty push plays in my head on repeat now adays

"Hold it all in▶🎶🎶

(Hold it all in▶🎶🎶

"Keep it all in ▶🎶🎶

                       (Keep it all in ▶🎶🎶

Cutting

I really thought i was getting better.....im just getting worse its 8 oclock in the morning my girlfriend is right next to me sleep n i feel like cutting myself. If anyone would ask me i would say idk started smoking cigarettes again i havent really been sleeping im still unemployed im losing dedication. I dont think people really understand when i say i had no goal but to die because we all have too i was serious . why in feeling like i should be happy but i feel like crying like nothing is that bad and other people have it worst. Why do i feel like crying?? Like i want too wake up my girlfriend and just idk m a n i really hope its because im sleep deprived