Relationships issues for the introverted and logical

I'm scared to get close to people. when you get attached to someone its like living in their world. Giving them a piece of you and you receiving something back. Sometimes you don't want anything you just want to give. It's easier, for me, to give myself since I don't live for me. I haven't for a while and I don't know what's it's like to have someone give their selves the same way I have. I want to feel the opposite it would make it easier to love, to surrender,to submit. I have to be on guard the whole time. Maybe I'm in over my head, maybe I don't exactly know what love is or how to obtain it. Everything I did before was calculates and planned or thought out like a  psych course. However life is not research and love is not reason. Some things just have to be felt and that's my fear in a nut shell. I'm not afraid of happiness or even depression,my fear is of feelings.

I've numbed myself with pages from a book .. we all need to cope we all have defense mechanisms and a wall of books happen to be mine. I treated emotions like an Rubik's cube instead of a medicine. I figure out what's happening. it's just the increase level of dopamine but that became dope I mean drugs are something felt but should it be. should I take something to make me feel better? should I take something to be free? I wishI can think how I feel away before if I knew why I'll be ok but now I have to feel what I'm feeling in first person. I can't observe from the sidelines this time Ive been called in to play. and coach I'm not ready I'm good for a retainer a sub or even just a bench warmer but for me to be active and feel the game for myself I rather not get involved. but that's what I mean I'm no longer a free agent I'm no longer just wanting to be traded I'm on this team for a contract and I have to be the best because they invested money into me. so I'll play my position and hope for the best ......

Od/ rip

At one point of my life , I wanted to die of an overdose. All my idols did and I had a fascination to drugs culture. That freeing feeling of being in a different state of mind while doing a bunch of reckless activities. I guess it's the feeling of not being restrained by what happens next and live in the moment was the true joy. If you want to have sex with multiple people and not care, you can. If you want to get into a fight and beat someone up , you can. In my head at the time this is freedom. Not being in constant control of what's happening and let it happen. However time waits for no man as musiq taught me.  So I grew up and the desired to do countless drugs and trying different liquors waned in me. So I started to focus on the future and less on what could been. That allure of that lifestyle still seems very excited and very attractive.

After writing  this post I learned that Mac miller have passed .......due to a overdose. Now as common as things like this are now let me explain this tragedy and why it affected me. Me and Mac are both the same age it's always mind boggling to see someone your age die especially by overdose. It's that feeling that it could happen to mee. Next I was a fan of his music. His sound was vulnerable no matter how much it was nasty , dark,  happy,  sad, melancholy or whatever it was it was honest. In hip hop honesty is rare to come across. Looking over interviews with him or other artists they all say the same thing Mac was a genuine good person who was just battling demons. So hearing he died was a blow. Like that could have been me if we started at the same time which was supposed to be the time to start. Besides my narcissistic mindset , we really lost a great and impactful artist I just wish he actually knew how he impacted people then it hit me ................











R
I
P

Malcolm James McCormick

Trigger Warning

Until You wake up with You're  gonna fail everyday
Everyday you're a failure just as soon as you open your eyes

No one can help their words are not going to make things easier just getting off my chest is not enough

I want it to stop.

Things are not as funny enjoyable or even entertaining.

Constant thoughts of cutting again.

Starting to be replaced with just thoughts of death

No one can see that tho gotta put a mask on you gotta be fake like everyone else because besides the negative repercussions and the damage it can do to an image.

I don't need pity hell I don't want sympathy
I don't need anyone to understand

They all understand

I just want it to end....now


And dreams are a joke goals are a joke they just make life harder

Caring about others and the world see how bad it is n it's nothing you can do to stop it because you are a nobody

Just a dirty intelligent shit for brain who lost the will to live

Add the pressure of everyone looking at you like you a nut case and everyone else want to spend time with you because they struggling n you do better with their feelings then your own...

Let's not forget anxiety and responsibilities and the clock is ticking 26 years old too young to complain about struggle n too old to be affected by it

Oh and yoohoo introvert over here emotions are hard for me to just speak I have to mentally get it first and so far everyone thing is well that's life and it's gonna be hard well I can fail because it was too hard Soo I don't care



So no I don't want to talk
I don't want a break
I just want this to stop....
Please

Locking away your emotions until you feel the need to have is a starting to be a struggle and a blessing at the same time.  Don't get me wrong I know the disadvantage of using the mind too much and sometimes a situation calls for emotions but to me they are in the way. I'm way to sensitive to be in this world and keep my sanity. That's a good belief on why I feel like I was going insane so many years I would let someone either bully me into thinking how they did or just let someone ruin my self esteem. To be honest I believe it's just the lack of control that I don't like. I love being in control once I feel like I'm not I feel automatically inferior. It shouldn't be this way but it is shades of grey is hard for me to live in I can see it just hard to live in. I guess it's the gemini in me . In speaking of which I seen some card reading for gemini. Now the way I decipher things like that is to watch multiple people and see the common thread that link them all together. This month that thread was more of staying on the path your on and focus on it.  Last month was basically stick with it now it's more of you will see the fruits of your labor. Which is good news. Also intuition will be stronger (which it has been) and psychic powers s Will be more  powerful something I haven't tested out yet but wasn't this supposed to have a point ...........I guess not .

Rejection

Big confession: I don't read my own blog.

Its not really for any other reason besides the fact i cant stand my own work no matter how good it maybe. However, lately i have been working on trying to find time to do so and trying to figure ways to get better. Ok so let me explain my disappearance. My blog was once a place for me to vent without the need of people. Then facebook took that role then it was my music. My biggest goal in life is to do alot with the least amount of help from outside sources ie people. Its not that i dont like people(im not a "people person" its a difference) its just the fact that i dont want to share the pain or the glory with people who would either twist my vision into something they want or dont have my best intrest at heart. I have the fear or more so paranoia of people. I've seen the worst in people so i know what they are capable of and without morals or certain beliefs, people can turn into savage deplorable animals who would do anything to advance their own personal goals.

I know im no different...............deep down that bothers me. To know that when pushed to a point , i can become a nasty disrespectful ignorant rude and  downright disgusting Human being. The thing i hate the most. So for years i built restraints on my mind body and soul so that can never really show. However this stunted my growth. It make me wonder "was i being liked because im likeable or was it just because i was pleasant or even worst was i accepted because i pose no threat" ......too weak to be anything that can really cause harm and dont demand power. For years ive wrestled with these and other consepts that made me walk the line of righteous. Sometimes walking it blind ...and sometimes walking it the wrong way.

Acceptance is the biggest desire that seems to be over this country. We as a people wish to be accepted for who we are. Black , gay, women, trans, disabled etc all just wished to be accepted. (those examples are the main one i see that begs for it the most and everyone who are against it still let fear stop them from giving.....oh well divide and conquer will rule supreme) With this negative and inclusion exclusion us vs them mentality we look at people as groups rather than as just people or should i say just a person. A person soul and mind is built unique to them through experiences they have went through or people they are around or even genetics. These and many other factors make a person who they are. (I believe in astrology for the soul part but thats just me )

So what happens when you dont fit in the tennents of a group? You become a misfit and outkast (yes i spell it like the hip hop group....i dont care if its not the correct way im an individual ....remember)
When you become apart of this rejected group its alot of feelings you might feel. Anger (well fuck them i dont need anyone) sadness (i just wanted to be liked so bad) happy ( i am me and thats good enough for me ) just to name a few but what i personally felt was confusion, denial and eventually self loathing. I just didnt get it like why didnt people like me ? Why was i the "weird" one ? Why did i always stick out?  And being the type of person that i am ( someone who needs solid answers to be satisfied) i started digging. I need to find out what was it that made people hate me (it wasnt until later i found it that most of it was insecurities that others had that was projected on to me ) i started to pick away at every thing i did. From the way i walk ,talk, dress, speak, thought and even breathe.......i thought my breathing was a problem BREATHING THE THING YOU NEED TO SURVIVE I WAS DOING WRONG .........in my eyes.

So naturally anything i created i did the same too. I became very critical to my own artwork not liking anything i do. "I saw a better version of it before" "people won't get it" " i don't see a point of keep going" "i said this wrong " i spelt that incorrectly" . I took being your own worst critic to another level which made me not put effort into anything i did. Because whats the point in putting in the effort if you know its gonna be "trashed". Besides the fact that at the time i was trying to beat myself down so noone can beat me down lower and you just have a recipe for a spineless gutless lil worm. That was me

However at the ripe young age of 26, i realized something there is nothing ...  wrong ....with... me. And i dont mean it in a narcissistic way but more if a self acceptance way. I am who i am. I always standout because i was born to stand out. Im weird because im born to be weird. Yes i could be like everyone and follow trends and do what the majority do but why if i dont like it . I'll in turn not like myself. So why fight it ? The best way to fight something like this is just by embracing it . owning it. Knowing that there can truly only be one you why cheapen it by trying to be something else. Some people have a function in this society that others might seem as more revered others roles might be alil more simple. For an example, imagine a baker who make cookies to sell at a farmers market there might be a man who buys those cookies every tuesday for his wife. Which in turn brighten her day and alil staple in their relationship. The baker labor makes sunshine in someone else life. Alil basic but the point is still made we dont know how we affect someone life so its best to be yourself.

From now on thats what im doing imma be me unapologetically. I  will not go quietly into the night!" I will not vanish without a fight! I am going to live on! I'm going to survive! Today i celebrate my  Independence Day! (Yes i did copy the script from independence day )

Smile ......what for ?

Twice someone mentioned the fact that life is getting better and its hard to take that in and actually have that be a good thing. Alot of people would smile and say something like "yea it sure is" or something along those lines. Me,on the other hand, either ignore the acknowledgment or twist it about them. So my naturally introverted self asked "why is that so taboo in my world? Why the thought of doing better scare me" or a better question " why is that consept so uncomfortable for me to grasp"?




Do i not want to be happy ?
Thats up for debate, but for the most part yes



Do i think i dont deserve to be happy?
Hell no of course i deserve it

Well is my life getting better?


Yes, and i feel extremely guilty about it. I can do more. I can be more. I can daft punk this life (and get harder faster better stronger) and my question before was why. Why be a chorus on kanye west probably most liked album(i find mbdtf alot more enjoyable but to each its own) why do i have to get better.  Now i have a why. I feel guilty because im so used to being the depressed guy and if im not that guy anymore who would i be? Not only that if im trying to be better why do i not feel it as much as i should? The only thing i can think of is because im still working towards something so i wont be fulfilled. Ok make sense, but its like something i said before ive spun so much time and energy being mad or sad or upset that happiness joy amd other emotions of the sort is a challenge for me to express. Its not more of feeling it, its expressing it. I noticed it while i was on vacation its easy to be upset but hard to fight the feeling to be so and enjoy the moment. (And we gonna ignore the anxiety i had the whole time about going back to work because i feel like im missing out)

Im too tired to continue to be honest..................

I barely want to put this out


But thats another problem.............

Who am i

I honetly dont think you realize what goes on in my mind on a daily. This is a struggle for me each day i dont know who i am. My depression took a big chunk of my life. Everyday i act however i feel everyone wants me to act and its easy ive studied people for so long its easy to copy. I dont get to say what ibfeel or what i think people would not get it and i dont want wish to be alienated anymore idk if im born to be introverted or if i made myself introverted and in the back i hear the repeated sound of not get hurt not to get angry not to let the emotions take over. I want to hide but i cant i want run but i cant i want to make all this go away but i cant n im scared that my life is gonna be like this forever

The joy of anger

Anger comes from pain.
Even if it's self afflicted or otherwise anger comes from pain.
If you have an anger addiction you know that joy. That feeling of release when you lash out rather lash out on people close to you or not just that blind fury. Its soo exhilarating. it gets your adrenaline pumping.
However explosive anger like that is dangerous. Not only would it get you in to trouble ie fights, cops come ,arrested or killed it just not something people want to be around. Before you know it you pushed everyone away with your anger.


For me on the other hand lately i craved loneliness. I always get the feeling. Like if i clone myself i will be straight i want someone to understand with no judgement and even if no judgement comes its still no understood which makes me want to turn to drugs or other vices so i can be fine here. In this ......"world" i look down i look up and see nothing new. I tried meditation and thats the reason im not cutting myself a great blessing if i say so myself. But .....idk i lot of people i know i working back to the top me on the other hand i dont know what its like. I never tasted it the only thing i tasted was defeat. So much so i studied it i studied pain istudied death i studied depression. But not happiness or peace i just want it. And lot of people had it and lost it and i wont undermine my mirco sucesses or overlook my obstacles that i got over. But i litterally have a plan but its always something stopping and to be honest thats frustrating and it makes me angry. But lashing out is impossible.....
Im already on the watch list i can't be trusted with certain things
I thought about how much pain i was in. I wanted everyone dead everyone. I dont want to be that anymore i want to be ok i want sane i want to be.....happy. These masks are getting dirty why i revel my true face without being labeled a crybaby or sensitive .......by my own damn self. I keep it all in because of my own psyche. I get beat in here just showing anytype of unpleasant emotion. I rather try to be emotionless that why i wont get that fear of being verbal jumped by my own mind. I dont even know who i am before the depression let alone after ....

Happiness is a state of mind and if my state of mind wont let me believe that happiness can stay with me what does that leave me. Responsibility is not pushing me to happiness trying to juggle what i want and what i need. Then to think of the fact that i have attachments to people so i have think about them.


I know its just being an adult. But can i at least have a reaction to something but no i continue to make money and rest up to make the same amount lets let this cycle continue

Magnum opus ????

So i brought a book of zen off my bro recommendation. The thing that kept me away from books like that was the fact they seem to useless. i would look up philosophers  and study poetry like rumi and understand it but at that age i was Like "yeah yeah we are all one ok we Must be patient yea graditude is the most important thing" but one noone related so they just became random facts. Since i could never get them out and two because i wanted to not be here anymore i didnt really care about it. Ironically, tonight i was putting all of it together and started realizing the weight of alot of those quotes that i over looked in the past. I was trying to figure out life to much in the past. I wanted to know the experience without experiencing it. Now it's different. I want to do something with what i know instead of being just an encyclopedia. You know its funny alchemy (another form of study) and philosophy goes hand in hand (hense the philosopher stone) it took until now to get the connection. All of it is usefully when it comes to accomplishing a dream i wanted for a long time.


                                  Story time

When i was younger and i mean a young child i wanted the world to be a happy loving and peaceful place. I knew at a young age that  it wasnt and as i got older i started to realize it was going to get better. So i started to study human life i like seeing what makes people do the things they do. I went to biology (i wanted to be a doctor first) then i found out about the mind (i wanted to be a psychologist at this point) and eventually sliped into philosophy. That way it wouldnt just be one human but a group of them. Finally landing on astrology ,alchemy and other ancient teachings. The world became a playground at that point. I figured i knew everything about everything. As i grew older i found out thats far from the truth. I learned just because you know that 2+2=4 doesnt mean you know how. So just because i knew all these facts dont mean i know how to apply it. Especially to my life. After watching naurto i started to become enraptured by pain's philosophy of life. How we all need pain in order to grow. Thats something i lived  for a while without even knowing it. The cutting was the physical part. The self destructive nature was more spiritual and the negative mindset was the emotional and mental. I always say if a person is used to pain something heavy have to hit them in order for them to grow. This works so much with alchemy (favorite field of study ) to put something through great soul through stress in order for it to be the best it be.

"I was black as my soul i seen it as coal i turn it to gold"  -j3tt blizzi

And that was my dream to be a  perfect  person( a gold soul ) to show people its possible..........


This no longer exist as a dream of mind

As i said before my life path is number 9 (numerology putting everything together huh)
We are a service to the people so as a child my first thought to make the world a better place should and will be achieved!
How ?
Through art mainly music but art nevertheless that way i can get my point acrossed without sacrificing who i am.
The message?
To quote pain(from Naruto) "we believe that humans beings simply cant understand each other and they never will"
Pain and love is the most relatable things humans have. This can be something that can unite us and have us grow together. Raise the consciousness together as one. It will be possibly impossible in this life time but that wont mean i wont try my hardest.
Use alchemy to take pain and make love.I just want to bring peace .An added bonus is the fact i can see things from another person perspective.  So with their point of view i can see their pain

Everything in my life can be used for this i have a life mission
And i
Will
Not
Fail!!
THIS WILL BE MY MAGNUM OPUS!!!

Mars in aries (personal)

They are given to impulsive action, and they are not known for sticking things through. Although their physical energy is great, they can lose their initial enthusiasm quickly. Mars in Aries natives are easily irritated by indirectness from others.

I haven't really looked over my natal chart until today but one that really stuck out is the fire sign i have. For the longest i begged for a fire to spark inside of me and i had it at the most important place to have it. Lately i have been real focused on trying to have a social life again and juggle a career, a job and the risk of self destruction. I got some good advice from a my mentor of arts.

" its always best to have a solid foundation"

I know that  it dont sound so ground breaking but hear me out. I've only taught myself how to get up and when i build something normally it would have terrible foundation due to my indecisive nature.

 "Should i do writing or poetry ? What about photography and video? And what about the music? Should i produce or just rap? Should i go to a different genre??"

All these questions and more buzzed around my head which would cause me to knock the structure that was poorly built and start again. To me thats part im familiar with. Getting back up .....idont know.... i think i saw it as a badge of honor i can keep getting back up. As if it was showing my resilience but looking that not resilient.....thats stupidity. Its like having a shield and just standing on the battlefield holding up the shield. Yea its a great asset but if you dont move forword with it, its useless. So now with a mindstate to make foundation me being motivated actually come easy. I just needed a goal.... Which brings me to the original reason i wrote this ...... I dont have anything like nothing. I know its best to be grateful n i am. I have a job ,i have my cell phone bill paid , i always got a way to travel. But i .....want ....MORE!
Its not even in a greedy type of way its more of a i see others who have simple things and i feel likw im at a stage in my life where its perfectly acceptable for me to have or aspire to have these things. One of my goals was to leave a mark n if i cant do simple things like live how can i leave a mark ????? I want my own place, i want my own car, i want to get my own camera , my own mic , they will come tho and thats what im learning as long as i continue on my path. I will get it . ive made claims like this before but like i said, that foundation line really struck a nerve with me. So simple but so significant.  I'm gonna get it slowly but surely

Equalvalnt exchange

Work +time= steps ahead

421.......the day after

Whats better escaping or faith?......maybe i need to be alil bit more specific.

Ok

Lets say you're in a room filling up with poisonous gas. The gas would take at least a day for it to be effective. There is a sign in the room that tells you the gas will stop eventually but you will have to pull a lever at a certain unknown time to clear the air until then you cant leave.  What would do? Would you try to escape? Or would you put your trust in the sign and wait for the right time to pull the lever?

Sloppy scenario aside,alot of us go through this in life. We would be placed in a situation where its no way out and we would just need to be patient and have faith but faith is not really something that can be easily refilled. More about that later.

Another scenario you are working out everyday lifting weights. You start with 15lbs until they become light. The next day you move to 20lbs until they become light and so on. What if you didnt get that day of rest. What if as soon as you become used to the 20lb weight your trainer dont let you leave and you have to immediately jump to 25lbs. You gonna feel the burn of the 20lb work out and the new burn and strain of the 25lb work out.

Thats a better (in my opinion) way to describe life. Random occurrence that just make you feel like your faith in a better life is being tested.

                                                               .........it is
And it needs to be the further you get in life the more troubles you are going to go through. How the saying goes 'mo money mo problems'? but for the poor its more same money mo problems. This where both escapism and faith come in at.

Escapism is the reason why  alot of people use tree(weed , loud,marijuana, sticky icky,  that yea doe, collard greens , antidote). When you high you dont think about your debt or crippling depression. You mind is free to think about what you want and look at it from a different point of view and sometimes not think about it at all. Beside god's grass, its alot of things people use to escape. It could be video games, movies, tv shows, music and of course social media. These escapes help our mind relax so we wont be overwhelmed by our struggle and strain. However, everything works in moderation and sometimes we get consumed by the escape we never want to go back n solve the problem.


Back in the first scenario, i wonder how many would try to find a way out instead of waiting to just use the lever? This is where escapism fails and faith steps in. See we escape for a momentary rest a break from the workload we have to go through in life. Like the day of rest i said in the second scenario (see they all make sense it wasnt just random hypothetical questions) but the things is its for a short term. Faith on the other hand is very much long term.


Faith in ...anything can actually push and motivate you to keep going. Faith in a dream , a deity, a love one hell even faith in your self works. It makes you believe that the stuggle you are going through will not be in vain. You can see it in a lot of movies and tv shows. The character would be down on their luck until someone gives that character something to believe in (faith) and the character becomes extreamly motivated for their goal. The only drawback with faith is keeping it strong. We live in a world of stimulus and distractions so finding escapes is easy but the world can be very negative and if we dont see a silver lining faith will dwindle. once its low we would be left with our problems and escapes from said problems and more problems will be added on making us eacape more. The cycle will continue.

You know why people fail at working out. They focus too much on the now rather than the future. They feel like its not working and quit instead of having faith that it is working its just gonna take sometime. Anything we do its gonna take time and work to achieve the higher quality of life you want the more work and time it takes to get it. Its the law of equivalent exchange.

Anyway its escapes are good they like candy and junk food real good for the time being. Just remember sometimes to get some healty food in you. Be around people who will give you faith to keep going. Because anyone can make you forget your problem its another thing to have people make you remember your dream.

But thats just my interpretation of the situation

Now im going to continue smoking n meditating.