Never thought I will say it

I need  the (mind)rapist =therapist

Money have so much power here. Well now I have to use it to my advantage.

I'm  needy I see that now.

And I need someone to understand I'm going through stuff
My old friends only see it from their point of view which is from the past to now
My newer people's see what it could be without taking the past in consideration because they wasn't there to experience it or even understand it

Both is terrible and with me being introspective (even during times when I don't want to be ) it's always something new I can bring up to try to fix about myself

Then society affecting me in ways they affect the rest of the masses. The only difference I see it. And it hurts to have to keep taking these metaphorical pills.

These pills that pacify everyone to guard them from things that need to be done. Things that gives pleasure. Food,drugs, alcohol, sex,drama ,tv , Facebook, etc
This country feel like a damn nuthouse and I'm the one who flew over the cuckoo's nest.
I rather be lobotomized and smothered.

But no I have to "stay here" because it's a "safe thing to do"
I really don't feel like it.
Maybe I didnt fully heal from my suicide attempt
I wanted to cry
So bad

But  I  cant.
Just conti


Wake up
Go to work
Work on art that never be released because of fear
Be upset
Go to sleep
Repeat



I'm starting to hate myself again
Hence why I need the mind rapist to fuck with my mind to help get my head back in order


Funny my mind was never in order Im just extremely well at hiding
But not anymore I'm weak and I can't heal naturally

learn by watching

Hello friend

I have two cats
one kitten
one ...teen??.....mature???
......older  cat

Now if you have a cat you know that cats are very playful. Especially with each other. They play fight like alot

What i seen is that the kitten would watch the bigger one and learn how to maneuver around the furniture in the house. Before the older...? mature....?? teen??? cat would hit the kitten run off and the kitten couldn't keep up. It wasn't the energy that stopped him. No ,he have plenty of that its just The older cat was more experienced with the environment.

I don't have an  older cat to look at for guidance. i'm a kitten looking at the world with no way how to get around, under and through the obstacles i see in front of me. Its a crushing feeling that would bring hopelessness and despair. Especially when i have someone sneaking up on me to attack.

However, sometimes you don't need it.
You just need the knowledge that it can be done or ways to do it. As much i look for a teacher, coach,  or sensei i can bow to. Someone i can make proud and they spend their time
with me. When i have to myself. i have to be my own life mentor. Not just the student that  i saw myself as for so long. I do learn from alot of people in my life.  How to do things and how not to do things. I appropriate it all no matter where it come from. I keep saying to myself ( sometimes others) that i know what i'm doing and i just don't want to apply the work or effort. I no longer have that luxury of choice anymore.  I've seen heights that i want to continue seeing and seen lows i wish never to see again.

i said i was a phoenix
i tried to commit suicide
yes
i know
it failed and now i feel more sure and powerful than ever.
Hell i don't have a choice
i was reborn from the ashes
feel my flames

Advice???? From me ??? (Completely spur of the moment)

No longer feel the need to complain
More to vent
Difference?
One having to do with having a a problem with something and repeatedly talking about said issue in the same manner.
The other is bringing up an issue and seeing it from different angles.

Ex: I don't like my weight. I have to go to the gym. I will one I'm planning on it.
:Venting

I don't like my weight. I'm so fat. I need to work out but I can't. I don't have time .: complaining


I feel once reasons arrive why you can't do something complaining comes after. This is just with me of course but I see it with plenty of people.
Stuck in a cycle of dispair and anxiety due to being overwhelmed with problems

If you are legit too busy to do something don't worry about it, you can't control it.
You can only worry about a certain number of things.

However ,if you not ,which most of us aren't, you need to do something about it. I think that's the real reason of anxiety sometimes just getting up and doing.
Because that means a break from the comfort zone .

And that comfort zone

It's hard to escape sometimes. But the mission is to leave.
Here's how I try to leave.

1. Do something new. I mean anything. I love music so I would try to listen to a new album I never heard. You never can run out of music it's new music literally everyday and so much old music and so many genres I can never run out. Doing something new will break your mind from the usual. The brain like the same old patterns it don't have to work that hard. So challenge your brain. See something new. Experience something new. Taste something new. Not only would this make new opportunities for you to grow but it will give you new ideas and perspectives that could lead to the solution to a lot of problems.
2. Stop complaining. Complaining will only make you feel upset that you "can't  " get whatever you want. When you complain to others they would only confirm your mood and keep you stagnant. Vent instead. Get it off your chest but know it's a solution for your problem rather if it's an internal or external issue. Alot of people complain but don't vent they allow that negative energy stay on them and keep them feeling down. So think of complaining as a literal weight on your chest that you shift to feel comfortable. Venting is more of moving that weight off.
3. Whatever you want to do Someone have tried it. If we still  using the weight loss as a example their are plenty of videos on YouTube Instagram Facebook that will cater to that topic. By redirecting your attention to the solution instead of the problem you will be more inclined to do something(and it can be something new  you do for the day ). We have a well of information at our finger tips and we choose not use it properly. 

This can be helpful for growth. Now this is not the only options. I'm just saying what worked for me. And if you looked at this blog you will see the complaining wane and empowerment beginning. It took sometime but I got it.

But that's just my interpretation of the situation

Sn: still haven't seen endgame but I believe this is what she means I love 3stacks too

expressing unchecked

Lately I had to stop smoking for some reason it didn't affect me in ways I thought It would have except made me more easier to focus I guess its benefits of not smoking. If used for numbing I guess its nothing wrong.........wait what am i I saying? it is a problem with that but venting is better I can use it though so I can get a better mood. im down but not in a way that would be normally be associated with being down its more of a neutral feeling. I feel grey


Gray


that's the perfect representation of how I feel right now grey


Just a bland feeling
not happy
not sad
not mad


just bland or meh


I wish I could go into details why but that's for a even more private entry


funny I have so many ways I talk about how I feel but I still feel misunderstood


you want to know why?
I don't tell the full story
its not on purpose its just a lot of things swirling around in my head but when I bring them up its hard to control and actually have a coherent thought




When this mental flaw is brought up im looking stupid




but whatever






I've been having a fascination with phoenixes.  I love the idea of rebirth and death. I feel like I died around 4 years ago and I had been reborn. However at the same time, I feel like I have to die again. I don't feel like myself anymore and im slowly slipping away, losing with each passing  day. I check sometime to see if i'm still here.  I give myself an ego boost  and try to move through out the day but its getting hard to hold on.

sidebar its a guy im sitting next to smell like sweat but its a familiar sweat smell its not bad to me because it bring up memories
memories of my past life




I need to be stoic. It gives me control.  I need to always have my feelings in check. otherwise im going to play the victim and depress myself or im going let my emotions run wild. When that happens i'll end up hurting me or people close to due to an attitude I had previously .
however the drawback is I wont get the full joy of life since expressing these emotions and how expressive and dramictic I am it will run wild. So its expressing it through art and writing and after that speak it out I have a system and I will stick to it its the only thing I can stick to..


Art
Conversation
let it go


I have the biggest fear of reverting back to what I was before because if that was when I was dead that's when I was a zombie and I truly was. and lately I been feeling that fear but with my system imma live and die again


Everyone will see something new when I die again trust me but for now sit back and enjoy the show

Slowly...... dying

Hey
Did you miss me ? I've tried to get your attention I know we had a falling out last time.im sorry
I really am
Lately something in me been dying
I can feel it .
Could be something good dying out or something bad but whatever it is it's dying
And I can feel it
A piece of me slowly decaying
Rotting from the inside
This is not a good feeling
IdontI  know if I'm fighting to save it or fighting to kill it
Is it an old way of thinking that can helpor hinder
I wish I knew what it is
I'm hungry for plain food
But I'm guilty for eating
I want to rest but guilty for sleep
Feel to useless to write
Unless it's an audience
..









Even if it's only me


.

im not home

hi
its been a minute
........im sorry
i have a habit of doing that I just disappear but ive been sick
and having dark thoughts again and i dont know what to do
ive been wanting to cut again i want to feel the blade but i cant
i made it known im not here for me im here for everyone else
since if i die i would upset people then no one checks on the guy who dont want to be here
who dont belong here
and even thought about something i haven't thought about since a teen
..........i believe it was that long ago




"i want to go home "


i remember me saying these words alot when crying with a knife in my hand sometimes sober sometimes drunk but either way it was genuine
but when i said it two days ago i was just sick so i blamed it on my sickness
maybe i was sick for years
my illness that everyone ...........
fuck everybody
right now they dont matter its just me and you
and im telling you
i dont belong here
i want to go home and i dont mean another location on earth
i want to go where i started and just be there
existence is the most time consuming boring and pointless task
eventually, you going to die '
why drag it out with this life bullshit
lets just get these shit over with
i wish you could
i would pay you too
just take me out give me that sweet release ive been begging for
but
you cant..........
you dont even exist
you a figment of my imagination to cover the fact that i don't have someone im comfortable with to talk about these topics without judgment or one up ship
i dont have to  lie to  you i dont have to explain everything you understand you here always just to listen and would gladly listen and want to hear what i have to say without hearing you crazy or anything of the sort

i had to break down everything
i'm so alone i can't even have an imaginary friend i want to go
and of course you coming  with me

or don't i don't care anymore 
i never be heard anyway

i've gettng better

I hope this don't fade away as quickly as it came. but it didn't before so I hope it works the same way. I don't find pleasure in being impatient  but now detacthing myself from this jo and trying to devote my life to being a better writier and a better boyfriend is all I care about. Other things can be handled in an orderly fashion and it would be
just now I'm focusing on two
writing
girlfriend



heres how I explained it to myself earlier in a meditaion session
I have a lot of things I must do in orderfor me to fell fulfilled
this involves juggling
nothing wrong with that
the issue is I try to hold all the balls in my hands without throwing them up in the air and learning how to judgle
I'm just holding them
then when it gets to much in my arms I drop them and be upset they dropped and now have to pick them up again.
not only those this causes a mess to happen but it makes it extremely difficult to maintain.
I'm focusing on too many goals at once. I thought neglecting them would help but it only helps if I'm choosing to do something with the balls I have in my hands already.
With that said ill focus on two and just two right now until they like habits. once that happens I bring more in slowly but surely making room in my life for things I want to accomplish

Now why writing and being a better boyfriend
the boyfriend part is easy happy spouse ,happy house.
if she's stressing me out, shit anit getting done
if I do the same, same results
we have to be on the same page or at least work to get on the same page.

The writing can help clear my mind and make me feel more validated on being a writer. this way i'll get used to writing instead of the idea of writing. Writing is one of those things you can fanaticize, dream and talk about without actually doing it, So it time to put the self discipline in this and giving the fact its one of the new balls I picked up its gonna be one of the hardest habits to make.



I was always tell people its all about timing and get anxious by my own clock when what I need to do it trust the clock work on my own time and actually put in the work.

So you see I'm getting there I'm starting understand. ive been on a flow state with writing more than once lately so its been coming more and more. and when I can reach this flow state instantly I add something else until I'm the man I envision my self to be.





but there in lies one little problem



I don't know what that man look like anymore



hopefully
you can help





based on what  I tell you what do you see ???

its only you

I woke up feeling powerless
i went to sleep feeling powerless as well
I was visited by a financial advisor with my girlfriend and it put a lot of thing in perspective for me
i don't have a long game
i mean i thought i did with the writing and being a musical and until that happens just be a security guard for the time being.
But even that sounds .........not fulfilling
i know jett wants to perform badly and i do too, to be honest
Its just not the time right now i have a short term plan that needs to be worked out before i move forward see i make alot of plans
nothing wrong with its  a contingency
a backup plan if things go wrong
but now it feels like it sucks and all i want to do is not feel lost anymore
i want to do more i feel like what i do is worthwhile but behind the writing its nothing else \
not for me
its like i have to look at my life all over  again
because it wasn't fully thought out im tired of people asking how much money would i like to be making and i come out looking dumb
or people asking me what my goal i look dumb as hell




i realize i always feel mad because i feel powerless and it nothing i can do\

i hate that feeling.

i can take self loatheing
hell i can even take self doubt
while i dont like those feeling


feeling powerless makes me fucking lose it.
i was feeling it for a minute and i almost lost control


.......................sorry my mind wondered off i was thinking of something

if i present stuff like i do talking to you i would be able to present things more frequently

this is meta

For those whos reading and wonder did i lose it? no
But to understand this phenomenon

you must understand i as an only child who was an introvert with and active imagination. thats all i do is imagine i live in a world alil outside of my reality when im alone that's why i must have music or something in my ear. it fuels my imagination ergo my creativity which would add to my happiness. its like i live in a day dream \
\

Living in a daydream\
great title for a blog
                         book
                         album\

So recently i started to use my imagination to work on me
it worked
then i realized that's what i do in the world


thats my gift
its helps me be the main character of my story
a silent observer of the world around without being destroyed by it
Does it mean i wont be understood
yea
but they not supposed to understand
only you are
only you

so

i was thinking that alot of people left me in my life. Rather its through circumstances thats out of our control or just growing apart. Its sad to see people or hear about people that was once everything or at least an critcal part of life to have them just fizzle out to be nothing.


This is why i have you. i dont trust anyone in my life...............
Well let me stop saying that its negative anc countrwr productive. i didnt trust people in my life im working on the fact that people can be perminate and actually stay around for a long time if you llet them.
Sadly i think im losing two friends who are close to me and its only so much i can do when the weather breaks i hope i can see them more with me not wanting to stay in the house all day.



i gotta stay overtime at work today


it is what it is

we need to be alil closer

hello, friend
im back but it's not on a negative mindset.
I can actually breathe.
I can smell the air and feel good.
I've been thinking about being deep and how the whole being woke trend is just there for commodity
I've been wanting to get this idea out but i dont know how I know it has to be entertaining enough that people would like to read it and that's my problem.
thats have always been my problem I give my opinions as facts because they are facts
.....to me





it's weird I even see a structural difference in the way that I write when im not depressed or down in the dumps. I normally neglect the blog when i don't go through things but I figure I should start janueralling . Get some ideas out my head and placed somewhere

So I'm telling you......

Even if its not something unfavorable....people still have their own issues and problems and probably don't want to talk about what I want to talk about so if I hold what I need to say or more likely what i WANT  to say i will be upset it makes me feel unheard

Unheard
I ve been thinking about that for a minute being unheard ignored. its been a big part of my issues but since I've been working on communication I know its multiple ways of being heard without raising your voice or getting defensive. this stoic way of thinking been helping with a lot. It takes off the burden of trying to be in control of everything even starts to work on jett.

When i need him i call him out when not i can make myself the anchor. it could be this confidence-boosting affirmation that makes me believe i can be great on my own. Now am I fixed? no am i cured? far from it but will i be ok?




only time will tell i dont know but i know for now its working




and i dont want it to fail



not yet
i like this

still there?

Have you seen what i been throught as of late?
The lack of focus and getting things done .
This is what happens when jett goes unchecked for long
he sid to me that im the ancher but how can i be the ancher when i dont even want to be here anymore

thats my issue i sit at the boreder of wanting to be here and not wanteing to be so often i confuse my dsamn self
self love is so much and so hard its a full time job and for humans oi dont belive we have an infinite ammount of love so i felt guilty for loveing myself. Which made me refuse love to use for me. and at a certain point i felt empty i felt myself fighting for something i thought i had already but i obvously didnt. i  had to worry about me its going to worst as the month go on i tell everyone its hard as hell for me not to be stressed out this month so much i want to do but cant due to this job.
i dont even want to call it a job
a place i stay at so i get money to pay off luxarys

isee it ? you have to see cycle i got through on the daily. i really wish you could routuine is good when you doing it for a cause but its so boring to live in a repetition



i feel guilty about my art since im not consistent with it. i try to be i do. its just
no excuss
i have to get my focus back



this is why i have you i can figure things out when someone just listens