Freedom

Nina Simone said freedom is no fear.

I can't feel the same. While I don't have a fear I don't feel free......free to express myself that is. I'm not afraid I'm tired. Tired of being misunderstood or not having worth being added to my words as if I'm speaking to an aybess.

"if a poet is in a forrest and no one is around to hear them, Do their words still matter?"

After a while you get tired of repeating, reiterating, making the same point over and over again. But you have to because this point must be made and understood in order to move on to another point. Its a journey of self-expression that  I've been on alone and trying to look for someone to be a partner to the journey is harder than I thought. Social media well my timeline at least have been either crudely humorous or idealistically political with the pictures of random TnA (no IMPACT!) sprinkled in for a pallet cleanser. Do I think we need to talk about self-expression? No, because we are on the internet and on the internet, it's easier to express your thoughts and feelings due to the lack of accountability or the fact that you not in the person vicinity of who you're hurling your comments at. For example, The number of people who said chance new album is trash are less likely to say the same or have the same energy if they were face to face with chance. So what do I want? I want the self-expression without having the thought that no one cares. Income the wonderful world of therapy. Where you pay people you don't know to care about the words you say, because the people you do know cant handle, don't care, or don't understand what you say. I was a big fan of no therapy for the simple fact it seems useless but now at the ripe age of 27 (27 club candidate *finger crossed ), I feel like I need it more than ever. Either that or I'll be drugged and drunk out my mind on a regular. I don't want to self destruct tho. I want to be gone. or be at a place where my soul doesn't have to be misunderstood or trampled.

im not free because of fear im locked away because im ignored.

 

Anger

My anger is the only thing I haven't conquered. My habit of drinking gone. My habit of smoking black and milds gone. Cigarettes gone. Masturbation gone. Cutting myself gone. But yet anger remains.

I often wonder why I'm angry and why am I quick to anger. I veitmitly believe that emotions can ruin things. Emotion get in the way of logic and reason and make actions more irrational. Yet, I hold on to anger like a child clutching to his favorite toy. The feeling I feel when I'm angry is freedom. A sense of chaotic liberation. It's not a tranquil feelings but a feeling of release a feeling of letting go a feeling of surprisingly righteousness. As if I have the right to be angry no matter what's I'm angry about. The cat won't leave the room I have the right to yell at him. Girlfriend confusing me I have the right to fume at her. Friends and family are not contacting me the way I want them too I have the right to curse them out. You ever felt right about something? It feels good. Feels like no matter what else is going on in my life in this moment of winning is all that matters.It blinded me to the fact that "hey I might be wrong" but It's a dopamine rush.  However it's playing a game that most people not even aware they are playing.

To stop breathe and count to three or ten is not always a tactic that can work for the problem. It's more of trimming the hedges. The anger will rise again and what if you can't stop what if I do something drastic over something so small. Expressing emotions is not wrong. Sometimes it very beneficial but how the emotion should be expressed is where my problem lies. All the habits I named previously came from anger. They was coping mechanisms that I would use to calm myself. Hell they became habits because I was so angry all the time. So I got to the root of the habits but not the root of the problem. Why the fuck am I angry?

Is it my genetics? Possible my dad a pretty angry guy and looking up to him would make me one. My mom also express anger alot as well. Could it be environment? Also possible. We live in a world that tells you to compare your life to others thus giving a sense of you would never be enough which would cause anger. People walking around with no way to change their lives they feel stuck and powerless which can also cause anger. What about me? It is called SELF control so it up to me at the end. True but the way I'm set up and expectations I have on myself as soon as I try to control my anger and fail I get even more angry due to the fact that I got angry. So I'm angry because I'm angry and I'm trying not be angry but I am.

This is why I believe I need a therapist someone to study me and try to understand me. Maybe they can see something I overlooked. But until then I can only keep living my life trying to keep anger at Bay. However if I do that what would be my release?

Home

I never really had that home feeling. I bounce from place to place so much,especially from parent to parent that I couldn't even establish a home feeling. I remember when I was going to a trade school everyday no would go to my mans crib and he be like "you never wanna go home is there something happens are your being abused" it was an obvious joke but  To me what is home?


I went to 10 schools in 12 years and had 12 houses in 25 years. I never really established a "home" feeling from any of those locations. They just felt like places not a permanent address. So now adays I just go outside to a quiet place and try to find that soliance out there. In a park or a trail, near water ,near a field, anywhere away from people.

My peace came from seclusion. That isolation make me feel so much better when I get stressed. Here is the problem,my whole life was isolation and seclusion.  So even if im not alone like I am now, I'm going to feel alone. I was the only child and when I wasn't, I was the middle child. Noone in my age range  or around me had the wonderlust that I had. Noone wanted to walk with no  destination. I walked feeling misunderstood, lonely and waiting for an adventure.


The thing I wanted was to walk until I found friends and I would have a group of misfits who I can walk with. Bounce ideas off of , do mucic and poetry with , smoke and get in trouble with. Fall in Love 💙 break up 💔with members of the group. I had this idea of walking until I found a group that would accept me and we can share this comradery while growing up in this fucked up and unfair world. I never found such group. I probably could if I didn't beat myself up and had enough confindence to go to Rittenhouse square and basically show my talents.



All of my idols at one point was homeless especially my biggest one basquiat. I would want that, to be on the street where I lay is where I sleep. If not whoever I'm fucking I'm sleeping there and leave in the morning. Just To continue my life of dobouchery and art. I know it sound stupid coming from this privileged kid. However I was looking for something to make me feel whole. Anything give me that feeling that I belong.

I got older eventually i  got my group of other outcast. We came together and I guess I fit in. But in a group like ours, you really can't and even then I still felt like the weird one. I have a bond with everyone in the group on a personal level but it's still not the acceptance I want. Had multiple girlfriends and still didnt fully feel it and when I did I didn't want to accept myself.(I never said I wasn't the problem most times)

Looking back with my connection to art and being accepted goes with not feeling like home. My mom worked alot so she wouldn't .In my view, My older brother got want he wanted, my younger sister got what she's wanted. I didn't ask for much so never received much but I wanted alot. I wanted to express my discontent, my graditude, my thirst for knowledge, my desire for adventure, my love of emotions and everything in between. But that's something you get at home and in my mind.......

I haven't really had one in a while

Past

I still hold on to pain I have given to people. Even if these people have forgotten about me and what I did, I still hold on. Because I know how long lasting some pain is and the effects it can have to a person later on in life. Also i hate the fact that i  wasn't prepared to take life serious as I should when I was younger. I let self doubt and low self esteem tear me up and kill me before I actually got a chance to start. I could have took more risk been more experimental with my failures. But I wasn't. I was scared to take Ls because I didn't want to be made fun of.  Even though I had the most I don't give a fuck attitude on the outside, inside I did.
I gave a fuck alot.

 As I got older and older ,I kept growing resentment for myself. "You have all this untapped potential and you waste it. why are you like this ?" I always say I should be way farther than where I am but If it wasn't the pain that I afflicted to others that  I wouldn't let go of it was the self doubt I wouldn't overcome. I wasn't passionate about anything due that I don't give a fuck we all going to die attitude I had. I also wasn't passionate enough to work for what I wanted.  I thought success would come to me because I was talented. The world doesn't work like that. Now that I am older I see that it shouldn't.

I would have to leave my comfort zone and I was comfortable being a people pleasing person. Someone who didn't want confrontation. Someone who hated himself so I had no confidence to actually do what what I wanted. I look at the past indifferently. It was some good times and memorable experiences but it wasn't what I wanted so I couldn't get too excited about it .I wanted to be more reckless, more wild take advantage  that I had no responsibilities. Even though I had them pushed on me. But sadly i  can't change the past.

Just now i got to do something to make my mistakes in the past mean something. Because I felt the ways I did before today. I hated myself and sometimes still do. I hate the cycle I have to be in because of the lack of control. Now that I got stoicism I have to remember not to get mad about things I can't control it's pointless at the end of the day. While still have some flaws, I have more of a direction of where I'm going.

Provides

Sometimes you gotta look at what you giving and understand everything you do or give have a compound element to it. Little things that have no results that can be seen become a big impact in the future.
For example if you want to lose weight the first times you count calories , exercise, drink less sugary drinks you won't see a difference. However give it a month or two. If you don't look different you might feel different. The point is you have to keep doing it. It's called habit building and the only way to build a habit is to do it..... consistently and constantly.



Me personally, this is an issue that have looked over and only see the benefits of it now. I'm not a everyday type of person however when it came to my journal I made it more of a mission to get something done even if its just a sentence I get it done. ..let me chill

Providing is more than an instant response. It happened over time.

Passion

 must i scream to get my point across 

must i dream to get over my loss


I dont think others understand how much passion i have. At times its overwhelming. As a cup that runneth over, its over the top of how much i love this craft. This art. I want to do it all the time. Today i woke up , and wanted to write that was the only thing in my head

"Write.Write.WRITE!"

Like a positive anexiety. I have never felt like this before well...i did about music at one point but music is a little different. You need equripment , money , beats , an engineer multiple things to get music to come alive. Writing is alive as soon as you put pen to paper or type a letter to a screen. That's a big difference. To make something in your head come alive. Everything is done by me. The editing the multiple drafts all me.Its something in this world that is all mine. And whats best about it is, im good at it. I mean i feel like i can always get better i have things to work on and im doing it because i love the craft. But im definatinely above the average person who may not write at all. These words are like bricks that build a beautiful house that i can stand back and look at and say"Look what I did! Look what I  can do." For many years, i was pleagued by the feeling that of insignificance. I felt nothing i did matttered and never will. I'll just be one of those guys whos know a lot but do nothing it. I have a voccation now. I  HAVE A VOCATTION. A craft.

The problem is no one have the same passion as me.So im not around other writier to share this feeling. The closest i gave is my brother who have a passion for music which i do too byut its not as deepas my passion for writing. (songwriting is a part of music but its not the same) but i love people who are passionate about things. Its beautiful to see some  face light up now heres the sad part.

And at this part of my life i cant worry about that anymore because it childish to wait around for people to care because its one truth in life

Noone cares

Not to sound nilestic but its kinda true. People wont care unless you do. Sadly, you have to put in their face" hey this is what i like!!! Look at this because i put work and effort into this!" Its like a child with a drawing in class. It boost self esteem. When you grow older you start to realize that not that many people are going to boost your self esteem. That's why people walk around with inflated egos or  the more popular self deprivations. 

Laptop acting stupid and it's pissing me so I guess I'm done 

Never thought I will say it

I need  the (mind)rapist =therapist

Money have so much power here. Well now I have to use it to my advantage.

I'm  needy I see that now.

And I need someone to understand I'm going through stuff
My old friends only see it from their point of view which is from the past to now
My newer people's see what it could be without taking the past in consideration because they wasn't there to experience it or even understand it

Both is terrible and with me being introspective (even during times when I don't want to be ) it's always something new I can bring up to try to fix about myself

Then society affecting me in ways they affect the rest of the masses. The only difference I see it. And it hurts to have to keep taking these metaphorical pills.

These pills that pacify everyone to guard them from things that need to be done. Things that gives pleasure. Food,drugs, alcohol, sex,drama ,tv , Facebook, etc
This country feel like a damn nuthouse and I'm the one who flew over the cuckoo's nest.
I rather be lobotomized and smothered.

But no I have to "stay here" because it's a "safe thing to do"
I really don't feel like it.
Maybe I didnt fully heal from my suicide attempt
I wanted to cry
So bad

But  I  cant.
Just conti


Wake up
Go to work
Work on art that never be released because of fear
Be upset
Go to sleep
Repeat



I'm starting to hate myself again
Hence why I need the mind rapist to fuck with my mind to help get my head back in order


Funny my mind was never in order Im just extremely well at hiding
But not anymore I'm weak and I can't heal naturally

learn by watching

Hello friend

I have two cats
one kitten
one ...teen??.....mature???
......older  cat

Now if you have a cat you know that cats are very playful. Especially with each other. They play fight like alot

What i seen is that the kitten would watch the bigger one and learn how to maneuver around the furniture in the house. Before the older...? mature....?? teen??? cat would hit the kitten run off and the kitten couldn't keep up. It wasn't the energy that stopped him. No ,he have plenty of that its just The older cat was more experienced with the environment.

I don't have an  older cat to look at for guidance. i'm a kitten looking at the world with no way how to get around, under and through the obstacles i see in front of me. Its a crushing feeling that would bring hopelessness and despair. Especially when i have someone sneaking up on me to attack.

However, sometimes you don't need it.
You just need the knowledge that it can be done or ways to do it. As much i look for a teacher, coach,  or sensei i can bow to. Someone i can make proud and they spend their time
with me. When i have to myself. i have to be my own life mentor. Not just the student that  i saw myself as for so long. I do learn from alot of people in my life.  How to do things and how not to do things. I appropriate it all no matter where it come from. I keep saying to myself ( sometimes others) that i know what i'm doing and i just don't want to apply the work or effort. I no longer have that luxury of choice anymore.  I've seen heights that i want to continue seeing and seen lows i wish never to see again.

i said i was a phoenix
i tried to commit suicide
yes
i know
it failed and now i feel more sure and powerful than ever.
Hell i don't have a choice
i was reborn from the ashes
feel my flames

Advice???? From me ??? (Completely spur of the moment)

No longer feel the need to complain
More to vent
Difference?
One having to do with having a a problem with something and repeatedly talking about said issue in the same manner.
The other is bringing up an issue and seeing it from different angles.

Ex: I don't like my weight. I have to go to the gym. I will one I'm planning on it.
:Venting

I don't like my weight. I'm so fat. I need to work out but I can't. I don't have time .: complaining


I feel once reasons arrive why you can't do something complaining comes after. This is just with me of course but I see it with plenty of people.
Stuck in a cycle of dispair and anxiety due to being overwhelmed with problems

If you are legit too busy to do something don't worry about it, you can't control it.
You can only worry about a certain number of things.

However ,if you not ,which most of us aren't, you need to do something about it. I think that's the real reason of anxiety sometimes just getting up and doing.
Because that means a break from the comfort zone .

And that comfort zone

It's hard to escape sometimes. But the mission is to leave.
Here's how I try to leave.

1. Do something new. I mean anything. I love music so I would try to listen to a new album I never heard. You never can run out of music it's new music literally everyday and so much old music and so many genres I can never run out. Doing something new will break your mind from the usual. The brain like the same old patterns it don't have to work that hard. So challenge your brain. See something new. Experience something new. Taste something new. Not only would this make new opportunities for you to grow but it will give you new ideas and perspectives that could lead to the solution to a lot of problems.
2. Stop complaining. Complaining will only make you feel upset that you "can't  " get whatever you want. When you complain to others they would only confirm your mood and keep you stagnant. Vent instead. Get it off your chest but know it's a solution for your problem rather if it's an internal or external issue. Alot of people complain but don't vent they allow that negative energy stay on them and keep them feeling down. So think of complaining as a literal weight on your chest that you shift to feel comfortable. Venting is more of moving that weight off.
3. Whatever you want to do Someone have tried it. If we still  using the weight loss as a example their are plenty of videos on YouTube Instagram Facebook that will cater to that topic. By redirecting your attention to the solution instead of the problem you will be more inclined to do something(and it can be something new  you do for the day ). We have a well of information at our finger tips and we choose not use it properly. 

This can be helpful for growth. Now this is not the only options. I'm just saying what worked for me. And if you looked at this blog you will see the complaining wane and empowerment beginning. It took sometime but I got it.

But that's just my interpretation of the situation

Sn: still haven't seen endgame but I believe this is what she means I love 3stacks too

expressing unchecked

Lately I had to stop smoking for some reason it didn't affect me in ways I thought It would have except made me more easier to focus I guess its benefits of not smoking. If used for numbing I guess its nothing wrong.........wait what am i I saying? it is a problem with that but venting is better I can use it though so I can get a better mood. im down but not in a way that would be normally be associated with being down its more of a neutral feeling. I feel grey


Gray


that's the perfect representation of how I feel right now grey


Just a bland feeling
not happy
not sad
not mad


just bland or meh


I wish I could go into details why but that's for a even more private entry


funny I have so many ways I talk about how I feel but I still feel misunderstood


you want to know why?
I don't tell the full story
its not on purpose its just a lot of things swirling around in my head but when I bring them up its hard to control and actually have a coherent thought




When this mental flaw is brought up im looking stupid




but whatever






I've been having a fascination with phoenixes.  I love the idea of rebirth and death. I feel like I died around 4 years ago and I had been reborn. However at the same time, I feel like I have to die again. I don't feel like myself anymore and im slowly slipping away, losing with each passing  day. I check sometime to see if i'm still here.  I give myself an ego boost  and try to move through out the day but its getting hard to hold on.

sidebar its a guy im sitting next to smell like sweat but its a familiar sweat smell its not bad to me because it bring up memories
memories of my past life




I need to be stoic. It gives me control.  I need to always have my feelings in check. otherwise im going to play the victim and depress myself or im going let my emotions run wild. When that happens i'll end up hurting me or people close to due to an attitude I had previously .
however the drawback is I wont get the full joy of life since expressing these emotions and how expressive and dramictic I am it will run wild. So its expressing it through art and writing and after that speak it out I have a system and I will stick to it its the only thing I can stick to..


Art
Conversation
let it go


I have the biggest fear of reverting back to what I was before because if that was when I was dead that's when I was a zombie and I truly was. and lately I been feeling that fear but with my system imma live and die again


Everyone will see something new when I die again trust me but for now sit back and enjoy the show

Slowly...... dying

Hey
Did you miss me ? I've tried to get your attention I know we had a falling out last time.im sorry
I really am
Lately something in me been dying
I can feel it .
Could be something good dying out or something bad but whatever it is it's dying
And I can feel it
A piece of me slowly decaying
Rotting from the inside
This is not a good feeling
IdontI  know if I'm fighting to save it or fighting to kill it
Is it an old way of thinking that can helpor hinder
I wish I knew what it is
I'm hungry for plain food
But I'm guilty for eating
I want to rest but guilty for sleep
Feel to useless to write
Unless it's an audience
..









Even if it's only me


.